I had so much to say. A big dramatic finish to my journey. I guess I had too much to say. I cannot sum it all up in one post.
Am I where I wanted to be after a year? No
Am I a better person than I was then? I don't know
Am I a better mother a year later? Possibly
Do I love Yeshua more? Maybe
Do I call on him in my heartbreak first? Often
Am I confused as ever? Yes
Am I going to quit trying to be better? Never
Am I going to continue this blog?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
I'm a Hanukkah baby
It is 5:30am on December 25th. My children are nestled all snug in their beds. We had a nice evening last night as a family. We wrestled and laughed and snuggled. My Wynnie and Mati are easy enough to snuggle. When Mati gets tired and we are watching TV, he will come to me when he is ready to go to sleep. I don't rock him or anything, just hold him and soon enough he is sleeping. My Wynnie is a tiny peanut that is starting to become a big girl. She can tell when I am happy or sad and she will come to me for extra loving. She has always been really easy going and eager to make me happy. I can't get over how big my Lily is. I want to snuggle with her but sometimes I feel strange because she looks and feels like a grown woman. She often gets the brunt of my "wrath" and when I'm done with my fits she will come up and give me a hug from behind or a pat on the back. The hugs I get from Lily are few but they sure are nice. It has been nice to have her home from school this week. I didn't realize how much I miss her when she is at school. Eli doesn't initiate lots of hugs but he always accepts the ones I give. He isn't bigger than me yet and he still has a smooth face so I need to get all the hugs and kisses in before the stubble appears.
So, last night as we celebrated the end of a joyful Sabbath, it occurred to me. When I was born, I was brought home in a little red sleeper dress that had a Christmas tree in the corner. I've been told my whole life "you are a Christmas baby." There really was no benefit to growing up a Christmas baby. My birthday was often forgotten and my presents were often leftovers. For a few years, my family accually stopped celebrating my birthday on the real date and would pick some random date, usually in the summer, to celebrate my "unbirthday." Sounds fun but it was a reminder to me that things were just to busy around my real birthday to do anything. Things haven't changed much as an adult. Most everyone has spent their money by the time it is my birthday so I can't expect much. Larry always has been generous and I have a couple friends that always get me nice gifts. Larry's stepmom has always been good about giving me thoughtful gifts too. I guess this last year when we decided that we should not make birthdays such a big deal, it wasn't too hard because they have always been disappointing for me.
Anyway, I thought it was interesting when I remembered last night that I was brought home in a dress with a Christmas tree on it. I guess I didn't live up to my parents expectations, as far as, being naturally festive because I was born this time of year. I think it is interesting that I have spent the last few years trying to avoid all of the Christmas trees I can. They actually disgust me now.
Thinking about it, that dress was one of the first labels I received growing up, "Christmas baby." Some other labels I've had...hmmm...can I remember them all? Let's give it a try. Sick child, different, stubborn, mouthy, disobedient, bad student, difficult, codependent, bulimic, demon possessed and mentally ill. I think back on those labels and I am disgusted. I'm so thankful, that as an adult, I have broke free from the labels and tried to be the opposite of them. Although if you ask some, I haven't broke free from them all. I'm thankful that I have had a humble enough heart to have sought YHWH and His Ways. While I still resemble the child I was in the past, I have new clothes now! I've been washed clean from the labels and expectations of the past.
As an infant in Yeshua, He clothed me, not with the rags of this world, but with a robe of righteousness. He cradled me in His arms and nursed me until I was ready for solid food. Now, I'm toddling off and trying to make my way in this strange world. I run into things and fall often. I even have little temper tantrums. But he is there to pick me up or calm me down and send me off on my way...No....send me off on His Way.
Thank you Father for just giving me one label......precious child.
So, last night as we celebrated the end of a joyful Sabbath, it occurred to me. When I was born, I was brought home in a little red sleeper dress that had a Christmas tree in the corner. I've been told my whole life "you are a Christmas baby." There really was no benefit to growing up a Christmas baby. My birthday was often forgotten and my presents were often leftovers. For a few years, my family accually stopped celebrating my birthday on the real date and would pick some random date, usually in the summer, to celebrate my "unbirthday." Sounds fun but it was a reminder to me that things were just to busy around my real birthday to do anything. Things haven't changed much as an adult. Most everyone has spent their money by the time it is my birthday so I can't expect much. Larry always has been generous and I have a couple friends that always get me nice gifts. Larry's stepmom has always been good about giving me thoughtful gifts too. I guess this last year when we decided that we should not make birthdays such a big deal, it wasn't too hard because they have always been disappointing for me.
Anyway, I thought it was interesting when I remembered last night that I was brought home in a dress with a Christmas tree on it. I guess I didn't live up to my parents expectations, as far as, being naturally festive because I was born this time of year. I think it is interesting that I have spent the last few years trying to avoid all of the Christmas trees I can. They actually disgust me now.
Thinking about it, that dress was one of the first labels I received growing up, "Christmas baby." Some other labels I've had...hmmm...can I remember them all? Let's give it a try. Sick child, different, stubborn, mouthy, disobedient, bad student, difficult, codependent, bulimic, demon possessed and mentally ill. I think back on those labels and I am disgusted. I'm so thankful, that as an adult, I have broke free from the labels and tried to be the opposite of them. Although if you ask some, I haven't broke free from them all. I'm thankful that I have had a humble enough heart to have sought YHWH and His Ways. While I still resemble the child I was in the past, I have new clothes now! I've been washed clean from the labels and expectations of the past.
As an infant in Yeshua, He clothed me, not with the rags of this world, but with a robe of righteousness. He cradled me in His arms and nursed me until I was ready for solid food. Now, I'm toddling off and trying to make my way in this strange world. I run into things and fall often. I even have little temper tantrums. But he is there to pick me up or calm me down and send me off on my way...No....send me off on His Way.
Thank you Father for just giving me one label......precious child.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Our family had a lovely time last night celebrating the second night of Hanukkah. My sweet husband spent a lot of money to buy me a Le Creuset dutch oven. I have waited for this for almost 10 years. Every year I drop hints and hope that I get this extravagant gift. I mentioned to Larry, this year, that this dish would do a better job frying latkes and doughnuts than anything else I have. It was true, but my latkes are good even in my 30.00 electric skillet.
Later that evening, I shared with Larry that, while I was so excited for the gift, I felt guilty. I am always whining about lack of funds for this or that. The fact that I received this gift proves we are not in the dire straights that I think we are.
Yesterday, I heard an interview on NPR about a man that was in the Japanese Internment camps. Today, I started the morning watching silent footage of the Jewish Ghetto in Warsaw Poland. After hearing the stories of people having to pack their life into a couple suitcases, and seeing the starving mothers with their babies, how could I ever complain about the abundance I have. My children and healthy and well fed, I am well fed and if I am unhealthy it is because I am too well fed. After watching the footage this morning I walked into my kitchen and looked around at my prized possessions , a lime green mixer, a bright orange dutch oven, all kinds of collectible, brightly colored pottery. I have an abundance of color in my home, I am not one for neutral tones. Most of the struggles I have in life is because I don't know how to deal with the abundance of clothing, toys, food, unused stuff and mostly the abundance of choices I have. The Jews in the Ghetto did not have choice, if they could afford it, they ate horse meat. If they couldn't, they dug through the dung heap. The families in the interment camps, here in America, the land of the free, stood in line for terrible food and lived in horse stalls.
Larry and I have been really considering the idea of giving up "everything" and moving to an intentional community somewhere. Isn't it funny that others could look from the outside and think we are ridiculous for letting go of everything we have worked for. I wonder if the Jews or Japanese, from the WW2 era, would think it was all that awful to walk away from lower-middle class life-style to live in a mansion with a few other families.
Larry and I have been really considering the idea of giving up "everything" and moving to an intentional community somewhere. Isn't it funny that others could look from the outside and think we are ridiculous for letting go of everything we have worked for. I wonder if the Jews or Japanese, from the WW2 era, would think it was all that awful to walk away from lower-middle class life-style to live in a mansion with a few other families.
I don't know what the next year holds for me and my family. I did mention to Larry last night how ironic it would be to wait all of these years for an expensive dish, just to choose to give it away a few months later. While, I can get hung up on worldly activities and things, the older I get, the more they do not fill the void. At this time in my life I don't know if I could live my life trying to pursue a bigger house, more land, nicer stuff, exciting activities. I don't think I could do it in good conscience ; what a waste of time, money and resources. My husband made a point recently that everyone in America is the rich young ruler. Even our poorest have so much available to them. Could we walk away from our hopes and dreams to follow Yeshua? I would say that 99% can fit him in to our current lifestyle pretty well with no sacrifice. Will you hold up when the cares of this world choke you, will you be able to navigate the obstacles in the way of the narrow gate? Will I? Only time will tell. Time that is going by terribly fast.
Monday, December 12, 2011
For: Les Mis Fans
Who am I? Who am I? I'm...I'm....I'm nearly 35 years into this journey and every time I think I know who I am, It is time to reevaluate. Hmm, let's see: I'm a wife, a mother, a friend, an enemy. I'm a servant, a ruler, a creator, a destroyer. I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker. Ok, enough of that. I'm not really a smoker and I don't know what midnight toking is, unless that is what you might call my late night ramblings on blogger. One thing I know is that I am a lover of music.
Music has been a huge part of my life since I could remember. I can take about any conversation and put it to an oldie, show tune and even a gospel hymn. I grew up with so much music in my life. The good stuff came from a record or cassette tape. I heard very little live music as a child, except for hymns at church or concerts in the park.
The one event that will stay with me forever is my 8th grade trip to Chicago to see Les Miserable. Our choir teacher introduced us to the music. Looking back, and recognizing that I have an almost 8th grader, I can't believe they let us go. The language and subject matter was nowhere near appropriate for the 8th grade. I still cringe at some of the subject matter that I would have heard. But the music was beautiful and I guess that as long as the vulgarity is put to an amazing score than it isn't offensive anymore, right?
I have been a singer since I was a little girl and, that year, I was recognized for a Jr Achievement honor. I prepared, I Dreamed a Dream, to sing at the banquet but I was unable to go; issues with my parents’ divorce. At the time I learned that song, I felt Fantine was living my life. My middle school years we terrible and I would sing about dreaming that my life "was different from the hell that I was living." It seems dramatic, but that life was hell.
In contrast, I look at the life I have now and it is heaven. All of the love I longed for as a preteen was filled, with a choice to be a disciple of Yeshua, when I was 15. My high school and early twenties still had me stumbling through hell a little. But now, the love I have is unreal. I know I am loved by my Heavenly Father. He lavishes me with love constantly. The blessing he has poured out, on this once very lost little girl, is unimaginable. Sometimes I wonder if life could really be this good. Did the Almighty love me so much to give me a handsome, hardworking, smart, loving husband? And on top of that, he loves me so much he gave me 4 beautiful, perfect, obedient, loving, caring thoughtful, smart, funny children!
My soul belongs to God I know, I made that bargain long ago...
My soul belongs to God I know, I made that bargain long ago...
Who am I? I am Barbra, wife, mother, friend, enemy.....child of Yeshua.
The roller coaster that is life never ceases to amaze me. I can go from blessings to heart ache faster than a fast car can go from 0 to 60MPH. My house can go from company clean and organized to "where in the world am I going to put all of this crap?" In an afternoon. It is a wonder to me how things can come together and fall apart at the same time. One thing for me that has been really hard to learn is that sometimes all that you have been working for needs to be destroyed to make way for the new. Unfortunately, you get all of this mess to deal with in the interim. I have always had dreams of my hopes and plans building on top of each other. Like a Tetris game, every block fitting together. I've always hoped that my past relationships would mesh perfectly with my current relationships. I always imagined that my past experiences would complement perfectly my current situation, if not what was the point?
I suppose my thoughts go to the city of Jerusalem. I've never been, but I hear it is beautiful. I guess that if I did visit, the beauty wouldn't necessarily be the buildings and people that crowd the streets there presently. It would be the ideal of what use to be there or the hope of what is to come. If you think about it, the "nice" buildings that are there are not Biblical. They belong to the Catholics or the Muslims. Davids and Jesus' Jerusalem lies in ruin beneath the pagan beauty that has been built upon it. In the cities current state, would David see beauty there? Would Jesus?
So many of us have a love for Jerusalem, and this should be. The Bible says that those who love and support Israel will prosper. We are to pray for peace there to speed Yeshua's coming. But, are we so hung up on what is currently there that we would be devastated at the thought of it being destroyed. Personally, in my own life, am I so in love with my current hopes and dreams that I would be devastated to see them destroyed? Yes, I am. It is a hard lesson to learn over and over. To give your life and to work so hard toward a goal only to see it crumble before your eyes.
Is it really crumbling though?
So while I see some of my plans crumble, something that seems to happen frequently with me, I also see things being built up. It is confusing to be in the middle of this; yet it gives me hope. This is a reoccurring lesson in my life that I see repeated over and over. I'll often look at others and wonder why they are not constantly "starting over." I resent this often because, since I was 12 years old, I have longed for stability. I have yet to find it in so many ways. But in other ways, I have more than most. Larry and I have been together for 19 years and YHWH has been with me always. So there is my stability. If anything would ever happen to Larry, I will always have my Father Yeshua. And I look forward to reigning with Him in His beautifully restored city, Jerusalem!
Those who sow in tears; will reap in songs of joy!
I suppose my thoughts go to the city of Jerusalem. I've never been, but I hear it is beautiful. I guess that if I did visit, the beauty wouldn't necessarily be the buildings and people that crowd the streets there presently. It would be the ideal of what use to be there or the hope of what is to come. If you think about it, the "nice" buildings that are there are not Biblical. They belong to the Catholics or the Muslims. Davids and Jesus' Jerusalem lies in ruin beneath the pagan beauty that has been built upon it. In the cities current state, would David see beauty there? Would Jesus?
So many of us have a love for Jerusalem, and this should be. The Bible says that those who love and support Israel will prosper. We are to pray for peace there to speed Yeshua's coming. But, are we so hung up on what is currently there that we would be devastated at the thought of it being destroyed. Personally, in my own life, am I so in love with my current hopes and dreams that I would be devastated to see them destroyed? Yes, I am. It is a hard lesson to learn over and over. To give your life and to work so hard toward a goal only to see it crumble before your eyes.
Is it really crumbling though?
So while I see some of my plans crumble, something that seems to happen frequently with me, I also see things being built up. It is confusing to be in the middle of this; yet it gives me hope. This is a reoccurring lesson in my life that I see repeated over and over. I'll often look at others and wonder why they are not constantly "starting over." I resent this often because, since I was 12 years old, I have longed for stability. I have yet to find it in so many ways. But in other ways, I have more than most. Larry and I have been together for 19 years and YHWH has been with me always. So there is my stability. If anything would ever happen to Larry, I will always have my Father Yeshua. And I look forward to reigning with Him in His beautifully restored city, Jerusalem!
Those who sow in tears; will reap in songs of joy!
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