I had so much to say. A big dramatic finish to my journey. I guess I had too much to say. I cannot sum it all up in one post.
Am I where I wanted to be after a year? No
Am I a better person than I was then? I don't know
Am I a better mother a year later? Possibly
Do I love Yeshua more? Maybe
Do I call on him in my heartbreak first? Often
Am I confused as ever? Yes
Am I going to quit trying to be better? Never
Am I going to continue this blog?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
I'm a Hanukkah baby
It is 5:30am on December 25th. My children are nestled all snug in their beds. We had a nice evening last night as a family. We wrestled and laughed and snuggled. My Wynnie and Mati are easy enough to snuggle. When Mati gets tired and we are watching TV, he will come to me when he is ready to go to sleep. I don't rock him or anything, just hold him and soon enough he is sleeping. My Wynnie is a tiny peanut that is starting to become a big girl. She can tell when I am happy or sad and she will come to me for extra loving. She has always been really easy going and eager to make me happy. I can't get over how big my Lily is. I want to snuggle with her but sometimes I feel strange because she looks and feels like a grown woman. She often gets the brunt of my "wrath" and when I'm done with my fits she will come up and give me a hug from behind or a pat on the back. The hugs I get from Lily are few but they sure are nice. It has been nice to have her home from school this week. I didn't realize how much I miss her when she is at school. Eli doesn't initiate lots of hugs but he always accepts the ones I give. He isn't bigger than me yet and he still has a smooth face so I need to get all the hugs and kisses in before the stubble appears.
So, last night as we celebrated the end of a joyful Sabbath, it occurred to me. When I was born, I was brought home in a little red sleeper dress that had a Christmas tree in the corner. I've been told my whole life "you are a Christmas baby." There really was no benefit to growing up a Christmas baby. My birthday was often forgotten and my presents were often leftovers. For a few years, my family accually stopped celebrating my birthday on the real date and would pick some random date, usually in the summer, to celebrate my "unbirthday." Sounds fun but it was a reminder to me that things were just to busy around my real birthday to do anything. Things haven't changed much as an adult. Most everyone has spent their money by the time it is my birthday so I can't expect much. Larry always has been generous and I have a couple friends that always get me nice gifts. Larry's stepmom has always been good about giving me thoughtful gifts too. I guess this last year when we decided that we should not make birthdays such a big deal, it wasn't too hard because they have always been disappointing for me.
Anyway, I thought it was interesting when I remembered last night that I was brought home in a dress with a Christmas tree on it. I guess I didn't live up to my parents expectations, as far as, being naturally festive because I was born this time of year. I think it is interesting that I have spent the last few years trying to avoid all of the Christmas trees I can. They actually disgust me now.
Thinking about it, that dress was one of the first labels I received growing up, "Christmas baby." Some other labels I've had...hmmm...can I remember them all? Let's give it a try. Sick child, different, stubborn, mouthy, disobedient, bad student, difficult, codependent, bulimic, demon possessed and mentally ill. I think back on those labels and I am disgusted. I'm so thankful, that as an adult, I have broke free from the labels and tried to be the opposite of them. Although if you ask some, I haven't broke free from them all. I'm thankful that I have had a humble enough heart to have sought YHWH and His Ways. While I still resemble the child I was in the past, I have new clothes now! I've been washed clean from the labels and expectations of the past.
As an infant in Yeshua, He clothed me, not with the rags of this world, but with a robe of righteousness. He cradled me in His arms and nursed me until I was ready for solid food. Now, I'm toddling off and trying to make my way in this strange world. I run into things and fall often. I even have little temper tantrums. But he is there to pick me up or calm me down and send me off on my way...No....send me off on His Way.
Thank you Father for just giving me one label......precious child.
So, last night as we celebrated the end of a joyful Sabbath, it occurred to me. When I was born, I was brought home in a little red sleeper dress that had a Christmas tree in the corner. I've been told my whole life "you are a Christmas baby." There really was no benefit to growing up a Christmas baby. My birthday was often forgotten and my presents were often leftovers. For a few years, my family accually stopped celebrating my birthday on the real date and would pick some random date, usually in the summer, to celebrate my "unbirthday." Sounds fun but it was a reminder to me that things were just to busy around my real birthday to do anything. Things haven't changed much as an adult. Most everyone has spent their money by the time it is my birthday so I can't expect much. Larry always has been generous and I have a couple friends that always get me nice gifts. Larry's stepmom has always been good about giving me thoughtful gifts too. I guess this last year when we decided that we should not make birthdays such a big deal, it wasn't too hard because they have always been disappointing for me.
Anyway, I thought it was interesting when I remembered last night that I was brought home in a dress with a Christmas tree on it. I guess I didn't live up to my parents expectations, as far as, being naturally festive because I was born this time of year. I think it is interesting that I have spent the last few years trying to avoid all of the Christmas trees I can. They actually disgust me now.
Thinking about it, that dress was one of the first labels I received growing up, "Christmas baby." Some other labels I've had...hmmm...can I remember them all? Let's give it a try. Sick child, different, stubborn, mouthy, disobedient, bad student, difficult, codependent, bulimic, demon possessed and mentally ill. I think back on those labels and I am disgusted. I'm so thankful, that as an adult, I have broke free from the labels and tried to be the opposite of them. Although if you ask some, I haven't broke free from them all. I'm thankful that I have had a humble enough heart to have sought YHWH and His Ways. While I still resemble the child I was in the past, I have new clothes now! I've been washed clean from the labels and expectations of the past.
As an infant in Yeshua, He clothed me, not with the rags of this world, but with a robe of righteousness. He cradled me in His arms and nursed me until I was ready for solid food. Now, I'm toddling off and trying to make my way in this strange world. I run into things and fall often. I even have little temper tantrums. But he is there to pick me up or calm me down and send me off on my way...No....send me off on His Way.
Thank you Father for just giving me one label......precious child.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Our family had a lovely time last night celebrating the second night of Hanukkah. My sweet husband spent a lot of money to buy me a Le Creuset dutch oven. I have waited for this for almost 10 years. Every year I drop hints and hope that I get this extravagant gift. I mentioned to Larry, this year, that this dish would do a better job frying latkes and doughnuts than anything else I have. It was true, but my latkes are good even in my 30.00 electric skillet.
Later that evening, I shared with Larry that, while I was so excited for the gift, I felt guilty. I am always whining about lack of funds for this or that. The fact that I received this gift proves we are not in the dire straights that I think we are.
Yesterday, I heard an interview on NPR about a man that was in the Japanese Internment camps. Today, I started the morning watching silent footage of the Jewish Ghetto in Warsaw Poland. After hearing the stories of people having to pack their life into a couple suitcases, and seeing the starving mothers with their babies, how could I ever complain about the abundance I have. My children and healthy and well fed, I am well fed and if I am unhealthy it is because I am too well fed. After watching the footage this morning I walked into my kitchen and looked around at my prized possessions , a lime green mixer, a bright orange dutch oven, all kinds of collectible, brightly colored pottery. I have an abundance of color in my home, I am not one for neutral tones. Most of the struggles I have in life is because I don't know how to deal with the abundance of clothing, toys, food, unused stuff and mostly the abundance of choices I have. The Jews in the Ghetto did not have choice, if they could afford it, they ate horse meat. If they couldn't, they dug through the dung heap. The families in the interment camps, here in America, the land of the free, stood in line for terrible food and lived in horse stalls.
Larry and I have been really considering the idea of giving up "everything" and moving to an intentional community somewhere. Isn't it funny that others could look from the outside and think we are ridiculous for letting go of everything we have worked for. I wonder if the Jews or Japanese, from the WW2 era, would think it was all that awful to walk away from lower-middle class life-style to live in a mansion with a few other families.
Larry and I have been really considering the idea of giving up "everything" and moving to an intentional community somewhere. Isn't it funny that others could look from the outside and think we are ridiculous for letting go of everything we have worked for. I wonder if the Jews or Japanese, from the WW2 era, would think it was all that awful to walk away from lower-middle class life-style to live in a mansion with a few other families.
I don't know what the next year holds for me and my family. I did mention to Larry last night how ironic it would be to wait all of these years for an expensive dish, just to choose to give it away a few months later. While, I can get hung up on worldly activities and things, the older I get, the more they do not fill the void. At this time in my life I don't know if I could live my life trying to pursue a bigger house, more land, nicer stuff, exciting activities. I don't think I could do it in good conscience ; what a waste of time, money and resources. My husband made a point recently that everyone in America is the rich young ruler. Even our poorest have so much available to them. Could we walk away from our hopes and dreams to follow Yeshua? I would say that 99% can fit him in to our current lifestyle pretty well with no sacrifice. Will you hold up when the cares of this world choke you, will you be able to navigate the obstacles in the way of the narrow gate? Will I? Only time will tell. Time that is going by terribly fast.
Monday, December 12, 2011
For: Les Mis Fans
Who am I? Who am I? I'm...I'm....I'm nearly 35 years into this journey and every time I think I know who I am, It is time to reevaluate. Hmm, let's see: I'm a wife, a mother, a friend, an enemy. I'm a servant, a ruler, a creator, a destroyer. I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker. Ok, enough of that. I'm not really a smoker and I don't know what midnight toking is, unless that is what you might call my late night ramblings on blogger. One thing I know is that I am a lover of music.
Music has been a huge part of my life since I could remember. I can take about any conversation and put it to an oldie, show tune and even a gospel hymn. I grew up with so much music in my life. The good stuff came from a record or cassette tape. I heard very little live music as a child, except for hymns at church or concerts in the park.
The one event that will stay with me forever is my 8th grade trip to Chicago to see Les Miserable. Our choir teacher introduced us to the music. Looking back, and recognizing that I have an almost 8th grader, I can't believe they let us go. The language and subject matter was nowhere near appropriate for the 8th grade. I still cringe at some of the subject matter that I would have heard. But the music was beautiful and I guess that as long as the vulgarity is put to an amazing score than it isn't offensive anymore, right?
I have been a singer since I was a little girl and, that year, I was recognized for a Jr Achievement honor. I prepared, I Dreamed a Dream, to sing at the banquet but I was unable to go; issues with my parents’ divorce. At the time I learned that song, I felt Fantine was living my life. My middle school years we terrible and I would sing about dreaming that my life "was different from the hell that I was living." It seems dramatic, but that life was hell.
In contrast, I look at the life I have now and it is heaven. All of the love I longed for as a preteen was filled, with a choice to be a disciple of Yeshua, when I was 15. My high school and early twenties still had me stumbling through hell a little. But now, the love I have is unreal. I know I am loved by my Heavenly Father. He lavishes me with love constantly. The blessing he has poured out, on this once very lost little girl, is unimaginable. Sometimes I wonder if life could really be this good. Did the Almighty love me so much to give me a handsome, hardworking, smart, loving husband? And on top of that, he loves me so much he gave me 4 beautiful, perfect, obedient, loving, caring thoughtful, smart, funny children!
My soul belongs to God I know, I made that bargain long ago...
My soul belongs to God I know, I made that bargain long ago...
Who am I? I am Barbra, wife, mother, friend, enemy.....child of Yeshua.
The roller coaster that is life never ceases to amaze me. I can go from blessings to heart ache faster than a fast car can go from 0 to 60MPH. My house can go from company clean and organized to "where in the world am I going to put all of this crap?" In an afternoon. It is a wonder to me how things can come together and fall apart at the same time. One thing for me that has been really hard to learn is that sometimes all that you have been working for needs to be destroyed to make way for the new. Unfortunately, you get all of this mess to deal with in the interim. I have always had dreams of my hopes and plans building on top of each other. Like a Tetris game, every block fitting together. I've always hoped that my past relationships would mesh perfectly with my current relationships. I always imagined that my past experiences would complement perfectly my current situation, if not what was the point?
I suppose my thoughts go to the city of Jerusalem. I've never been, but I hear it is beautiful. I guess that if I did visit, the beauty wouldn't necessarily be the buildings and people that crowd the streets there presently. It would be the ideal of what use to be there or the hope of what is to come. If you think about it, the "nice" buildings that are there are not Biblical. They belong to the Catholics or the Muslims. Davids and Jesus' Jerusalem lies in ruin beneath the pagan beauty that has been built upon it. In the cities current state, would David see beauty there? Would Jesus?
So many of us have a love for Jerusalem, and this should be. The Bible says that those who love and support Israel will prosper. We are to pray for peace there to speed Yeshua's coming. But, are we so hung up on what is currently there that we would be devastated at the thought of it being destroyed. Personally, in my own life, am I so in love with my current hopes and dreams that I would be devastated to see them destroyed? Yes, I am. It is a hard lesson to learn over and over. To give your life and to work so hard toward a goal only to see it crumble before your eyes.
Is it really crumbling though?
So while I see some of my plans crumble, something that seems to happen frequently with me, I also see things being built up. It is confusing to be in the middle of this; yet it gives me hope. This is a reoccurring lesson in my life that I see repeated over and over. I'll often look at others and wonder why they are not constantly "starting over." I resent this often because, since I was 12 years old, I have longed for stability. I have yet to find it in so many ways. But in other ways, I have more than most. Larry and I have been together for 19 years and YHWH has been with me always. So there is my stability. If anything would ever happen to Larry, I will always have my Father Yeshua. And I look forward to reigning with Him in His beautifully restored city, Jerusalem!
Those who sow in tears; will reap in songs of joy!
I suppose my thoughts go to the city of Jerusalem. I've never been, but I hear it is beautiful. I guess that if I did visit, the beauty wouldn't necessarily be the buildings and people that crowd the streets there presently. It would be the ideal of what use to be there or the hope of what is to come. If you think about it, the "nice" buildings that are there are not Biblical. They belong to the Catholics or the Muslims. Davids and Jesus' Jerusalem lies in ruin beneath the pagan beauty that has been built upon it. In the cities current state, would David see beauty there? Would Jesus?
So many of us have a love for Jerusalem, and this should be. The Bible says that those who love and support Israel will prosper. We are to pray for peace there to speed Yeshua's coming. But, are we so hung up on what is currently there that we would be devastated at the thought of it being destroyed. Personally, in my own life, am I so in love with my current hopes and dreams that I would be devastated to see them destroyed? Yes, I am. It is a hard lesson to learn over and over. To give your life and to work so hard toward a goal only to see it crumble before your eyes.
Is it really crumbling though?
So while I see some of my plans crumble, something that seems to happen frequently with me, I also see things being built up. It is confusing to be in the middle of this; yet it gives me hope. This is a reoccurring lesson in my life that I see repeated over and over. I'll often look at others and wonder why they are not constantly "starting over." I resent this often because, since I was 12 years old, I have longed for stability. I have yet to find it in so many ways. But in other ways, I have more than most. Larry and I have been together for 19 years and YHWH has been with me always. So there is my stability. If anything would ever happen to Larry, I will always have my Father Yeshua. And I look forward to reigning with Him in His beautifully restored city, Jerusalem!
Those who sow in tears; will reap in songs of joy!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
You can't have it all...or can you?
There are so many things in this life I desire, extra money, clear skin, tons of energy, a spotless house, children that can teach themselves school, uncomplicated relationships. Alas, it may never happen. I may be forever stuck with the skin of a 13 year old. I may never have a house that is always company clean.
Sometimes I think I can sense when I will have unexpected visitors; like the other day. The house wasn't in terrible shape and about a half an hour of focused cleaning would have had it in great shape...but I didn't have the energy to clean up that morning. Instead I putzed around with my coffee, sorted through clothes and pushed aside dirty dishes. I did manage to get the front room swept and straightened. As a pastors wife, I always expect that I could get a visitor. and I want to have a least one clean space to receive any unexpected guest. I look to the example of pastors wives I have had in my adult years. I could aways drop in on them and they would be available with an inviting house, a coke and an open afternoon. Years ago I remember telling Larry that I wanted to be that woman. I haven't managed to get there. It seems like when I have unexpected guests, my house is a mess and I have no food in the house to offer them. That is always embarrassing for me. I don't know why. I don't expect others, except past pastors wives, to have a clean home. Actually, I feel really happy when they don't because I don't feel like the only mommy with a messy house. Sometimes I'm flattered that they feel close enough to me to let me in when the house isn't quite perfect.
Back to the other morning....I had my front room clean just in case. I had let my children take a break from their school work and sent them outside on an amazing day. I took advantage of the time alone and sat in my clean living room with a cup of coffee. Half way through the cup my older son comes in and tells me that there is someone at the back door. I'm thinking it is the UPS man. When I got to the back door, there stood a little old lady with big sunglasses. She was from our last church and her name slipped my mind. She asked, "you don't have time for me to visit, do you?" I'm thinking...SHE WENT TO THE WRONG DOOR! Now if I invite her in, she will have to climb a huge pile of laundry and pass the nasty dishes in the sink. I'm also wondering if I have brushed my teeth. I know my hair isn't combed, thank God for my covering.
Oh well, I push my pride and laundry aside and help this fragile woman up my flimsy stairs. I directed her into the clean living room and I was happy to be able to offer her a cup of coffee. She admired my rocking chair and told me how beautiful my children were. She told me how much she and her husband missed us and how the other church just wasn't the same. Then she shared some of herself with me; things she likes to collect and even past hurts. About an hour went by and she didn' t want to keep me any longer. I walked her back out through the nasty kitchen, that could have been cleaned if I hadn't wasted time, through the pile of clothes and back down those flimsy steps. We chatted a little more by her car and we said goodbye.
You know, that woman didn't care that I only have 60.00 in the bank until Larry's next pay. She wasn't disgusted by my pubescent skin. She complemented me on my smart beautiful children, and she even said I had a nice home. I know she appreciated that I took time just to sit and talk with her.....who needs energy when you have time to talk with a friend, a rocking chair and a cup of coffee.
Follow in His Ways and He will give you the desires of you heart.
Sometimes I think I can sense when I will have unexpected visitors; like the other day. The house wasn't in terrible shape and about a half an hour of focused cleaning would have had it in great shape...but I didn't have the energy to clean up that morning. Instead I putzed around with my coffee, sorted through clothes and pushed aside dirty dishes. I did manage to get the front room swept and straightened. As a pastors wife, I always expect that I could get a visitor. and I want to have a least one clean space to receive any unexpected guest. I look to the example of pastors wives I have had in my adult years. I could aways drop in on them and they would be available with an inviting house, a coke and an open afternoon. Years ago I remember telling Larry that I wanted to be that woman. I haven't managed to get there. It seems like when I have unexpected guests, my house is a mess and I have no food in the house to offer them. That is always embarrassing for me. I don't know why. I don't expect others, except past pastors wives, to have a clean home. Actually, I feel really happy when they don't because I don't feel like the only mommy with a messy house. Sometimes I'm flattered that they feel close enough to me to let me in when the house isn't quite perfect.
Back to the other morning....I had my front room clean just in case. I had let my children take a break from their school work and sent them outside on an amazing day. I took advantage of the time alone and sat in my clean living room with a cup of coffee. Half way through the cup my older son comes in and tells me that there is someone at the back door. I'm thinking it is the UPS man. When I got to the back door, there stood a little old lady with big sunglasses. She was from our last church and her name slipped my mind. She asked, "you don't have time for me to visit, do you?" I'm thinking...SHE WENT TO THE WRONG DOOR! Now if I invite her in, she will have to climb a huge pile of laundry and pass the nasty dishes in the sink. I'm also wondering if I have brushed my teeth. I know my hair isn't combed, thank God for my covering.
Oh well, I push my pride and laundry aside and help this fragile woman up my flimsy stairs. I directed her into the clean living room and I was happy to be able to offer her a cup of coffee. She admired my rocking chair and told me how beautiful my children were. She told me how much she and her husband missed us and how the other church just wasn't the same. Then she shared some of herself with me; things she likes to collect and even past hurts. About an hour went by and she didn' t want to keep me any longer. I walked her back out through the nasty kitchen, that could have been cleaned if I hadn't wasted time, through the pile of clothes and back down those flimsy steps. We chatted a little more by her car and we said goodbye.
You know, that woman didn't care that I only have 60.00 in the bank until Larry's next pay. She wasn't disgusted by my pubescent skin. She complemented me on my smart beautiful children, and she even said I had a nice home. I know she appreciated that I took time just to sit and talk with her.....who needs energy when you have time to talk with a friend, a rocking chair and a cup of coffee.
Follow in His Ways and He will give you the desires of you heart.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thoughts about The Gathering Place, an organic faith community.
A walk down the produce isle in the grocery store always gets me excited! I love looking at the beautiful fresh fruits and veggies . When I have extra money, I will snatch up lovely bunches of veggies, herbs and exotic fruit. My children's faces will light up when the gentle mist of water showers the food. I feel so healthy in that isle, I find my self with hopes of this dish, or that, containing the fresh items, so I grab up my selection; just to toss them out rotten 3 weeks later.
Increasingly there seems to be a small section in most stores for organic produce, produce that hasn't been exposed to the pesticides and waxing and whatever. That area is never as impressive as the many rows of sparkling, shining, produces that engulfs it. The fruit, much of the time, is smaller. Many times it is bruised and doesn't shine like the others; and on top of that, it is most often much more expensive. Why would anyone pick up a piece of fruit from this small, unimpressive area of the produce isle?
I would say that most people would not choose from that section. The organic section isn't in the obvious area and there is nothing there that catches your eye. For that reason, it is largely overlooked. The people that "buy into" the organic stuff are the curious or the informed.
I see our little group in this light. We are not the biggest or fanciest, some of us are bruised and we pay a great price to be able to gather together on His Sabbath. The fact is, any Tom, Dick or Harry that is looking for a "church" is not going to choose us as the obviouse choice. The people attracted to us are the curious or informed, the ones that know the harm caused by the toxins of bad Biblical interpretations and theologies that have been pumped into the majority of churches that line the streets of our communities.
Often, even the informed will not choose us. We are too expensive, we don't fit their lifestyle budget. It cost too much to turn down the invites of social and family get togethers. It seems ok to choose the world for a couple Sabbaths. But a couple Sabbaths turn into many and pretty soon, they take the easy way of the mainstream church, a church that will fill their bellies and give the illusion of being healthy but really, it will cause a cancer to grow in them that is very hard to cure.
So my challenge is this, to seek out the small, "unimpressive," organic fellowship in your area. You may have to search in the less obvious places to find it; maybe a house or an office building. You may have to take a long drive past many of those fancy, sparkling churches. You may have to rearrange your work schedule or disappoint family and friends by turning down social invites with others that are not like minded.
This is the way toward not just staying alive but living abundantly.
Often, even the informed will not choose us. We are too expensive, we don't fit their lifestyle budget. It cost too much to turn down the invites of social and family get togethers. It seems ok to choose the world for a couple Sabbaths. But a couple Sabbaths turn into many and pretty soon, they take the easy way of the mainstream church, a church that will fill their bellies and give the illusion of being healthy but really, it will cause a cancer to grow in them that is very hard to cure.
So my challenge is this, to seek out the small, "unimpressive," organic fellowship in your area. You may have to search in the less obvious places to find it; maybe a house or an office building. You may have to take a long drive past many of those fancy, sparkling churches. You may have to rearrange your work schedule or disappoint family and friends by turning down social invites with others that are not like minded.
This is the way toward not just staying alive but living abundantly.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
I'm owning these grey hairs!!
I'm nearly 35. I have four children that are not babies anymore. I've been married for over 15 years. I have three grey hairs. I have a good brain. I have life experience and some spiritual maturity. I'm not an idiot or a child. Thank you for my grey...I've earned it!
Proverbs 16:31
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I hate cleaning bedrooms!
So this morning I've decided to blog while supervising a major clean out of the upstairs. My children have their bedrooms and bathroom up there and I barely go up. It is all I can do to keep the downstairs somewhat presentable and it just depresses me to head up there, so I avoid it. I do however, need to go up about once a week or so to make sure it is a healthy and safe environment for my kiddos (I will admit that the environment up there can be questionable.) So today I've decided will be the big purge, gotta get rid of some stuff to make it easy for them to clean and keep organized.
It is a couple hours later and really, not a lot has been accomplished. I did have a bit of a revelation though. I have no business blogging and not being up there with them because I don't know how to delegate. I think it is interesting that my husband thinks I'm pretty bossy but I don't have the slightest clue how to oversee projects. I should be upstairs with Lily telling her how to sort and what to do, but the truth is...I do not know how to start and where to put anything so I end up making her try to figure it out. Just do it Lily, get it cleaned...this is a mess...how did it get this way?
As a child I had very little direction. I remember spending hours in my room "cleaning it." Really, all I did was shuffle things back and forth. Great way to spend a summer afternoon :( I didn't know what to do with it the stuff. It didn't come naturally to me how to organize or prioritize so that I could accomplish anything. This trait has definitely spilled into my adulthood and I'm afraid it is rubbing off on my children.
Half way through 34...I still feel like a child, stuck in my room, trying to figure out what to do with the mess that is life. Honestly, the only way I know how to feel organized is to get rid of stuff. I don't think that is such a bad trait. There are so many things I hold onto as an adult, wanting to sort through...thinking it may serve a purpose one day. Not just material things. I also have things like memories of past hurt and nasty words that have been said to me. I guess if I decided I want to hold on to that junk, then I will have to find a place for it to go in my life. So, if I choose to keep piling it on the surface, than the useful space underneath will never serve a good purpose. It is that way with my children's room. If I keep that broken car or the ratty haired doll, it might cover up the pretty space that my children could have to play in.
Ok, it is 2:35pm. Larry will be home in 3 hours and I need to get this project done before he gets here. I guess I need to get up there and give Lily some direction so that she isn't spending hours shuffling junk and so that she can learn some useful tools for the future. Hopefully, she will be a step ahead of me when she is 34. I do know though, that when she gets stuck as an adult, I will be there for her. I'll come in and happily help her sort through stuff, just like I need to be doing now.
This is my afternoon prayer: Lord, when the temple was being built, you put your spirit into the workers and gave them supernatural abilities to build and carve and sculpt. I ask now, that you give me a little bit of that. I know you are the great architect and that you can give me the direction I lack to get my girls room clean. Need focus and strength for the next couple hours. Thank you, your servant...Barbra
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Mati Boy
It must be a bad week because this is my 3rd post in just a few days. Things are rough here so many unknowns. I wish I could get just a little glimpse of what is to come, well I guess I don't want to know exactly, I just want know that there will be rest and peace soon for our family. Jesus had nowhere to lay his head, why do I think I need to know when my moat will be filled in or when my realtor will call me back?
On Sunday, father’s day, My Mati will be 3; such a sweet little guy. The reason I am awake now is because I heard a little voice from his room that said, "Mommy, I need you." I went into the room and he said, "kissy, huggy?" What a sweetie! What a blessing.
When I found out I was pregnant with him I was terrified. We had no money and no insurance. It was my fourth child and I didn’t know how my family would react to the fact that I was pregnant. Larry and I have always been treated a tad irresponsible for having so many children. Some friends of ours just had another miscarriage after trying so many times to have a baby; I felt pretty guilty that it could happen to me by accident. We kept our little secret for months; you can do that when you have a little chunk on you. It was well into our fourth month before we started telling people about the baby. I expected ridicule and everyone was really accepting, more so than when I had Wynnie.
When I had Gwyneth, my third child, I struggled with a name, especially a boy’s name. I think the night before we settled on the name Judah. We were not super sold on it, but it was time to find a name and that would have to do. I had ruled out Mathias because there was already a Matt in the family and I didn't know if he was done having children. We almost named Eli, Mathias but obviously didn't. I’d always wanted an Eli since I was a child. So after I had Wynnie I took a trip to Cleveland to the family burial plot and the Patriarch of the family’s grave was there, the name on the stone was Mathias. I was shocked, we all thought it was Matthew. At that point I was for sure that if I ever had another boy that would be the name!
And so, four years later, I was pregnant. Things seemed to be falling into place. I was able to get on Medicare and get the same Dr. I had with Wynnie. It was great I wasn't treated any differently than when I was insured and used his services. We told our friends who miscarried first and they were very sweet and gracious, even happy for us.
So I guess it was going to happen and God was making it work. The baby was coming. The children knew and Eli told me that he would only be happy if the baby was a boy; anyone that knows my Eli, knows that it wasn't a threat...just the truth. Man did that put the pressure on. So into the fifth month we had an ultra sound to see what the sex would be. I didn't want to know with the other children but with a small house and 3 others, and Eli's possible depression over a girl, I wanted to be prepared as possible. This ultra sound was different. With the others I was there with Larry holding my hand. With this one, we were all there, and I had tiny people holding my hand. We were all anxious to know the sex of the baby and, of course, if it was healthy. The technician looked down and said "I guess you guys are going to be evened out, 3 girls, 3 boys." Yeah! Eli won't be in despair and God has blessed us with another son. Right away we knew that name would be Mathias, Mati for short.
I was getting use to the idea of being pregnant again. My fears were going away. It was becoming more obvious to me that this little guy was a blessing, something to celebrate and not another obstacle to deal with. I became even clearer to me when I picked up a baby name book and saw that Mathias meant , given from God. Could anything be more perfect?
He was in fact given from God, as all of my children were. He was given to us at a time of despair, at a time when we had been heavily persecuted for righteousness sake. The birth of baby Mathias brought pure joy back into the Rice home. There was no jealousy with my children, just delight.
He is beautiful and perfect and an incredible joy to my heart daily.
I thank God for the gift of Mathias Alan Rice. I thank him for allowing me to do the mommy thing again later in life and for rewarding Larry for his faithfulness, with a perfect son.
Every good and perfect gift comes from the father of lights above! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
My cup runneth over..so does my moat!
I know this may not last long because the adversary has a way of getting me down; but for this evening, I am singing praises to YHWH for his faithfulness. We had a great turnout for Sabbath fellowship and that is always encouraging. All of my children looked so nice in their new clothes, I felt so happy. We came home, had nachos and watched a movie. Wynnie snuggled in my arms and Lily lay at the foot of the bed. Man all I could think of was how pretty my girls are. They are both beautiful. Lily is growing into a gorgeous young lady and Wynnie couldn't be prettier.
Right now, I don't care that I am dirt poor. I have the most amazing family. I have a hardworking, loving, handsome, devoted, strong, smart husband. His only "flaw" is that he can be too nice. I have smart, funny, healthy, obedient, beautiful children. I get to stay home and watch them grow.
We have been given the opportunity to help start a new faith congregation in Syracuse. We are in a great location, neat building. We have made friends with the baker and she gives us her leftovers. Our landlord is great and our rent is cheap. Wow! What a blessing.
Like I said I am filled with joy. A week ago I was in despair. I sobbed as Everdry of Fort Wayne used a back hoe on my front yard; Digging up all of my hopes and dreams for a pretty yard this summer. 2 years of patch jobs and a 4 month delay to "get it right" caused us to have to take our house off the market. But God connected us with a lender and now we are going to buy the home we newly renovated.
It is funny how things turn out. Last summer was to be the year of parties. There was to be a house warming, a graduation party, and an ordination service. None of that came to be; until this year. Last weekend Larry was honored for his ordination in Michigan at a service he had no idea about. This year we could have a housewarming but it would seem silly because we have lived in the house for a year, and Larry's graduation party? Well, he wants to go back to school so maybe we will do it then.
What God constantly reminds me of is that I am not in control. I can plan all the parties I want but if what I am celebrating is not in Gods will, I am celebrating in vain. I can plan how I will sell my house but if a contractor comes and digs up my yard, my plans are toast.
I guess all that matters is that we keep going even through what seems like hardship. You know, not many people feel sorry for me, and why should they? I have a loving family, nice home, Larry is educated with a good job, and everyone is healthy and perfect. There is nothing to feel sorry for here. We are blessed....
There is this silly country hymn that I like. The verse says I am drinking from my saucer because my cup has over flowed.
That is me....drinking from the saucer of abundant life in Yeshua. I cannot thank or praise Him enough!
Right now, I don't care that I am dirt poor. I have the most amazing family. I have a hardworking, loving, handsome, devoted, strong, smart husband. His only "flaw" is that he can be too nice. I have smart, funny, healthy, obedient, beautiful children. I get to stay home and watch them grow.
We have been given the opportunity to help start a new faith congregation in Syracuse. We are in a great location, neat building. We have made friends with the baker and she gives us her leftovers. Our landlord is great and our rent is cheap. Wow! What a blessing.
Like I said I am filled with joy. A week ago I was in despair. I sobbed as Everdry of Fort Wayne used a back hoe on my front yard; Digging up all of my hopes and dreams for a pretty yard this summer. 2 years of patch jobs and a 4 month delay to "get it right" caused us to have to take our house off the market. But God connected us with a lender and now we are going to buy the home we newly renovated.
It is funny how things turn out. Last summer was to be the year of parties. There was to be a house warming, a graduation party, and an ordination service. None of that came to be; until this year. Last weekend Larry was honored for his ordination in Michigan at a service he had no idea about. This year we could have a housewarming but it would seem silly because we have lived in the house for a year, and Larry's graduation party? Well, he wants to go back to school so maybe we will do it then.
What God constantly reminds me of is that I am not in control. I can plan all the parties I want but if what I am celebrating is not in Gods will, I am celebrating in vain. I can plan how I will sell my house but if a contractor comes and digs up my yard, my plans are toast.
I guess all that matters is that we keep going even through what seems like hardship. You know, not many people feel sorry for me, and why should they? I have a loving family, nice home, Larry is educated with a good job, and everyone is healthy and perfect. There is nothing to feel sorry for here. We are blessed....
There is this silly country hymn that I like. The verse says I am drinking from my saucer because my cup has over flowed.
That is me....drinking from the saucer of abundant life in Yeshua. I cannot thank or praise Him enough!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
nothing ='s everything
Why does it have to be so hard to be a believer? Why do I have to have these convictions? I feel like there are so few of us. Life would be so much easier if I were like the majority of Christianity. Should I be selfish, looking to my own needs and wants before the needs and wants of my "savior?" Sometimes I wish I was like one of them again. I could work whenever I wanted and wear whatever I wanted. I would still be considered a good believer. If I left my kids with a sitter, went back to making 50,000 a year, worked nights and weekends, people would think we had everything all together.
Do you know that 3 years ago someone who was living with a man that was not the father of her child, someone who drinks too much and acts like she is in high school told me she could help me get my life back together!? Now at that time, I had 4 lovely children; I had been living in a purchased home for 6 years; My husband had one masters and was in school for his next. I'm thinking to myself...What? Why do I look so pathetic to you? My husband had lost a job, that was very hurtful time, but he found an equal job pretty much right away. What would have made me more acceptable? Should I throw off the scarf I always wear on my head and pick up a cocktail? Would that be a step in the "right" direction? Should I send my children to school and focus again on my career, would that do? Why isn't it ok just to be faithful? Why does someone that doesn't look worldly come across as mislead and confused. Why isn't it ok to choose poverty (I use that very loosely, I know I am nowhere near impoverished.) over indulgence?
I had a non-religious Jew in my home the other day. We had some really interesting conversation. This woman had attended a Christian church and liked it very much. Later in life when she asked her Rabbi why Jesus couldn't be the Messiah his response was this. "The Messiah would never come as a carpenter." Well why not? What is so terrible about a servant king? Could you imagine if Zacheaus said to Jesus, while he was eating with him, "Jesus... we need to get your life in order. I'll teach you how to lie and steal so that you don't have to have so many troubles." How bazaar would that be? How absolutely obscured?
Jesus intentionally came down from all of his glory and made himself of no reputation, just for us. He made himself someone that, shallow and selfish, people would think needed worldly help. There may have been times, when he was fighting with those arrogant Pharisees it may have occurred to him to get the upper hand in the argument by doing great wonders. I don't think he resorted to fireworks because it would impress the wrong people. Jesus didn't want people to follow him because they loved his abilities or his house or clothes or his famous friends. He wanted people to follow him because they fell in love with his message, his witness, and his purpose. If he did that with fancy things and spectacles they wouldn't love him for who he was.
When Jesus came over 2000 years ago, he came as a lover, a peacemaker, a humble and lowly servant. He set that example for us so that we would know where true happiness comes from. Not in the pomp and circumstance of the proud, but in the foot washing humility of the servant.
So I’m back to me and why things are so hard. Well, things are so hard because as long as I’m living in this sinful world, I will not be able to live up to the world’s sinful standard. And I guess until I get my glorified body I will struggle with feeling lowly. I don’t mean to compare myself to Jesus. He is my example and I am a sorry copy. With that said, I have made myself nothing by the world’s standard to follow him. Many days it feels really crappy. That is why it is so important to fellowship on Sabbath with other believers.
Make yourself nothing now so that you can have everything later.
Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5
Synonyms for meek: humble, timid, submissive, gentle, docile, modest, compliant, mild, quiet, lowly, weak, fearful, tame.........Jesus.......Barbra?
Do you know that 3 years ago someone who was living with a man that was not the father of her child, someone who drinks too much and acts like she is in high school told me she could help me get my life back together!? Now at that time, I had 4 lovely children; I had been living in a purchased home for 6 years; My husband had one masters and was in school for his next. I'm thinking to myself...What? Why do I look so pathetic to you? My husband had lost a job, that was very hurtful time, but he found an equal job pretty much right away. What would have made me more acceptable? Should I throw off the scarf I always wear on my head and pick up a cocktail? Would that be a step in the "right" direction? Should I send my children to school and focus again on my career, would that do? Why isn't it ok just to be faithful? Why does someone that doesn't look worldly come across as mislead and confused. Why isn't it ok to choose poverty (I use that very loosely, I know I am nowhere near impoverished.) over indulgence?
I had a non-religious Jew in my home the other day. We had some really interesting conversation. This woman had attended a Christian church and liked it very much. Later in life when she asked her Rabbi why Jesus couldn't be the Messiah his response was this. "The Messiah would never come as a carpenter." Well why not? What is so terrible about a servant king? Could you imagine if Zacheaus said to Jesus, while he was eating with him, "Jesus... we need to get your life in order. I'll teach you how to lie and steal so that you don't have to have so many troubles." How bazaar would that be? How absolutely obscured?
Jesus intentionally came down from all of his glory and made himself of no reputation, just for us. He made himself someone that, shallow and selfish, people would think needed worldly help. There may have been times, when he was fighting with those arrogant Pharisees it may have occurred to him to get the upper hand in the argument by doing great wonders. I don't think he resorted to fireworks because it would impress the wrong people. Jesus didn't want people to follow him because they loved his abilities or his house or clothes or his famous friends. He wanted people to follow him because they fell in love with his message, his witness, and his purpose. If he did that with fancy things and spectacles they wouldn't love him for who he was.
When Jesus came over 2000 years ago, he came as a lover, a peacemaker, a humble and lowly servant. He set that example for us so that we would know where true happiness comes from. Not in the pomp and circumstance of the proud, but in the foot washing humility of the servant.
So I’m back to me and why things are so hard. Well, things are so hard because as long as I’m living in this sinful world, I will not be able to live up to the world’s sinful standard. And I guess until I get my glorified body I will struggle with feeling lowly. I don’t mean to compare myself to Jesus. He is my example and I am a sorry copy. With that said, I have made myself nothing by the world’s standard to follow him. Many days it feels really crappy. That is why it is so important to fellowship on Sabbath with other believers.
Make yourself nothing now so that you can have everything later.
Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5
Synonyms for meek: humble, timid, submissive, gentle, docile, modest, compliant, mild, quiet, lowly, weak, fearful, tame.........Jesus.......Barbra?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God
Wow! Can anyone read that line and not feel conviction? There are so many outward things I do throughout the day. "Good" things to help me down the path toward righteousness. I try really hard but the Proverbs 31 woman I aint. I'm not up before the sun, my children are not clothed in fine linens, and I’ve not considered a field to buy. I've considered a doughnut and bought it, but not a field. But still I try, I have constant dialog with God throughout the day asking him to help me make good decisions and asking for his spirit to fill me so that I can be a shining example of his wonderful love.
I seems to me that the more steps I take down the right path I feel like garbage. I feel unworthy and selfish and all kinds of unholy things. I get confused because I know I'm headed where he is leading but every time I take a few confident steps forward I get clotheslined by life issues and end up down in the dumps. While I'm down there I think all kinds of things about what a bad person I am, what a worm am I. When I am feeling wormy, it helps me to look at who I truly am, what my motives really are. Are they for His glory or my glory? Is there anything in me that needs to be dealt with, anything that others don't see...even Larry? Things just I know about myself.
I pray one day to see God in all of His glory with his angels. I know this is a promise that he has given to me and whether I make the grade or not, it will happen. But what is keeping me from seeing God now? Maybe the desire I feel to be so close to him is hindered by my innermost thoughts and motives. Maybe the ones I don't even know exist.
I guess that is why the Psalmist wrote, search me God and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any wickedness in me and lead me in your Everlasting Way.
So I'm confident I have been shown the Everlasting Way. I'm heading in the right direction. The clothesline times are God trying me, and making me take time to examine my heart and motives. Now I pray that you show yourself to me and that through me, your Glory may be revealed!
Just a writers note...Matt is screaming in the background and Eli is pelting me with endless questions. One day I will miss this.
I seems to me that the more steps I take down the right path I feel like garbage. I feel unworthy and selfish and all kinds of unholy things. I get confused because I know I'm headed where he is leading but every time I take a few confident steps forward I get clotheslined by life issues and end up down in the dumps. While I'm down there I think all kinds of things about what a bad person I am, what a worm am I. When I am feeling wormy, it helps me to look at who I truly am, what my motives really are. Are they for His glory or my glory? Is there anything in me that needs to be dealt with, anything that others don't see...even Larry? Things just I know about myself.
I pray one day to see God in all of His glory with his angels. I know this is a promise that he has given to me and whether I make the grade or not, it will happen. But what is keeping me from seeing God now? Maybe the desire I feel to be so close to him is hindered by my innermost thoughts and motives. Maybe the ones I don't even know exist.
I guess that is why the Psalmist wrote, search me God and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any wickedness in me and lead me in your Everlasting Way.
So I'm confident I have been shown the Everlasting Way. I'm heading in the right direction. The clothesline times are God trying me, and making me take time to examine my heart and motives. Now I pray that you show yourself to me and that through me, your Glory may be revealed!
Just a writers note...Matt is screaming in the background and Eli is pelting me with endless questions. One day I will miss this.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Little Powdered Doughnuts
3:09 AM......normally I would be so frustrated if I were awake at 3:09 am, but not this evening. I'm kinda excited because I have been really busy during the days and I have no time or focus to write anything on my blog. So here I am, didn't waste any time lying in bed trying to get back to sleep just jumped up to write.
So how is Barbra? Well I couldn't help but feel totally blessed after an amazing week. Larry and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary! I have been thinking about that day for 15 years. After my wedding I decided everything was a total disaster and I would have another wedding and renew my vows on my 15th anniversary. There were so many mishaps my wedding day like, giant Tupperware ladles use to serve food out of my fancy, rented, sliver chaffing dishes and the flowers were all wrong, and my videographer ran out of battery right at the beginning of our kiss and didn't get us walking up the isle or any of the reception. Maybe not getting the reception wasn't such a bad thing because I have horrid memories of one invited couple making out the whole time and karaoke to Bohemian Rhapsody, I thought that would be a fun idea at the time to get all of my bridesmaids and sing to that song....not my best idea, I think the song is over 10 mins and we lost momentum about the 2nd verse. Oh well, I was pretty upset for a long time about my wedding. I think mostly because, as a 19 year old planning a wedding all by myself, I really trusted a lot of people to come through for me and I think many professionals at my wedding dropped the ball. I can say "oh well" now but it took me a while to get to that point. For the first few years I would cry anytime I saw a flower arrangement that looked like what I wanted, or I would stew over the fact that there was very little excitement at my wedding. I think most people there thought we were idiots. Some said that very plain to us before hand and the others didn't need to say because you could see it in their faces. I can't say that I didn't get any help though. My sister was amazing running all over for me and cooking with me until 3am before my wedding day. And Larry’s family was very sweet to stay behind after everything was over and clean up the mess, A detail I forgot to plan..oops. My wedding wasn't perfect but now I don't look back so much on the mistakes as I do on the sweet people, some of whom are gone, who were there for me and excited for us!
So we didn't have a big do over wedding but we did have a really nice get away, just us. And we got back just in time for a great mother’s day, I hate mother day but that is another long story. This mother’s day was really special. I think some of it had to do with not going to church on Sunday and having to listen to an “every woman who has given birth deserves a pat on the back today, even if they are a crappy Mom” sermon.” Have you sat through those? Maybe it is just me. I did get treated to breakfast in bed and I got a really great coffee mug that says " I surpatheth all woman in specialness." Wow! Good for me! The best gift though, the one that made me cry, was the package of little powdered doughnuts in the cup.
Oh how I LOVE little powdered doughnuts. They are my all-time comfort food. When I’m
feeling really discouraged about relationships or lack of weight loss, I turn to my sweet comforter, a bag of soft, sweet, crumbly, little powdered doughnuts...sigh. Just thinking about them gives me comfort. So what is the deal with these little diet killers.
I think this is it: I don't have many memories from my childhood but I vividly remember staying a couple times, overnight, with my mother’s mom and dad. I really have no memories of grandma on the overnights, just grandpa, I will focus on one. We took a trip, grandpa and I, to Cub Foods to pick up a couple things for the weekend. I remember walking with my grandpa down the big isles, hand in hand, looking for a special treat just for me. He said I could have anything I wanted for a treat. I was only about seven or eight but I can remember being a little stressed out about what to choose. I didn't want to seem too greedy and I also wanted him to be impressed my decision so I made my mind up, a can of crushed pineapple. That was what I wanted for my treat. I remember him looking down at me skeptical, "Are you sure this is what you want?" “Oh yes, it is my favorite.” So he grabbed a can of crushed pineapple and we headed toward the checkout. I remember being so please with my choice, “Good for you Barbra, your grandpa will think you are so sensible." We approached the checkout, all of the items in a small basket, and we waited in line for our turn. The checkout lane was lined with all kinds of candy bars and bubblegum, I don't remember noticing that as much as the endless supply of clear bags, filled with powdered doughnuts, stacked on top of one another, in front of the checkout. I don't know if grandpa noticed me, noticing them, but he offered one last time. “Barbra you can have the pineapple. But why don't you get yourself a real treat.” I remember eagerly snatching up one of those bags, “May I have this?” He just shook his head yes and we continued through the checkout and on our way back to their lovely home on the Southside of Indy.
I don't remember eating those doughnuts. I just remember how special it was that he wanted to buy them for me. I think that is why when I am in wallowing in self-pity I turn to my friend, the one that is there to comfort me, my little powdered doughnuts...
Don't you think I see the huge spiritual flaw here? I will never win my weight battle if that is where I go for comfort. I know there is a comforter that I don't have to pay 2.50 for and that won't leave a ring of sweet, white powder on my lips and down my shirt.
Jesus said that he had to leave so that the comforter could come. Jesus, in his earthly body, did not make himself available to everyone on earth. But when he ascended he sent his spirit to be there for all of us whenever we ask, sometimes even when we don't. Even when it has been such a crappy day…that you find yourself scrounging through the house…looking for enough change… to buy a bag of comfort. Maybe his spirit helps you to remember where that loose dollar is or directs you to the sticky, crumb covered quarter underneath your car seat.
Thanks for the memories Grandpa Andrew Truden, I love you so much more than you know.
So how is Barbra? Well I couldn't help but feel totally blessed after an amazing week. Larry and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary! I have been thinking about that day for 15 years. After my wedding I decided everything was a total disaster and I would have another wedding and renew my vows on my 15th anniversary. There were so many mishaps my wedding day like, giant Tupperware ladles use to serve food out of my fancy, rented, sliver chaffing dishes and the flowers were all wrong, and my videographer ran out of battery right at the beginning of our kiss and didn't get us walking up the isle or any of the reception. Maybe not getting the reception wasn't such a bad thing because I have horrid memories of one invited couple making out the whole time and karaoke to Bohemian Rhapsody, I thought that would be a fun idea at the time to get all of my bridesmaids and sing to that song....not my best idea, I think the song is over 10 mins and we lost momentum about the 2nd verse. Oh well, I was pretty upset for a long time about my wedding. I think mostly because, as a 19 year old planning a wedding all by myself, I really trusted a lot of people to come through for me and I think many professionals at my wedding dropped the ball. I can say "oh well" now but it took me a while to get to that point. For the first few years I would cry anytime I saw a flower arrangement that looked like what I wanted, or I would stew over the fact that there was very little excitement at my wedding. I think most people there thought we were idiots. Some said that very plain to us before hand and the others didn't need to say because you could see it in their faces. I can't say that I didn't get any help though. My sister was amazing running all over for me and cooking with me until 3am before my wedding day. And Larry’s family was very sweet to stay behind after everything was over and clean up the mess, A detail I forgot to plan..oops. My wedding wasn't perfect but now I don't look back so much on the mistakes as I do on the sweet people, some of whom are gone, who were there for me and excited for us!
So we didn't have a big do over wedding but we did have a really nice get away, just us. And we got back just in time for a great mother’s day, I hate mother day but that is another long story. This mother’s day was really special. I think some of it had to do with not going to church on Sunday and having to listen to an “every woman who has given birth deserves a pat on the back today, even if they are a crappy Mom” sermon.” Have you sat through those? Maybe it is just me. I did get treated to breakfast in bed and I got a really great coffee mug that says " I surpatheth all woman in specialness." Wow! Good for me! The best gift though, the one that made me cry, was the package of little powdered doughnuts in the cup.
Oh how I LOVE little powdered doughnuts. They are my all-time comfort food. When I’m
feeling really discouraged about relationships or lack of weight loss, I turn to my sweet comforter, a bag of soft, sweet, crumbly, little powdered doughnuts...sigh. Just thinking about them gives me comfort. So what is the deal with these little diet killers.
I think this is it: I don't have many memories from my childhood but I vividly remember staying a couple times, overnight, with my mother’s mom and dad. I really have no memories of grandma on the overnights, just grandpa, I will focus on one. We took a trip, grandpa and I, to Cub Foods to pick up a couple things for the weekend. I remember walking with my grandpa down the big isles, hand in hand, looking for a special treat just for me. He said I could have anything I wanted for a treat. I was only about seven or eight but I can remember being a little stressed out about what to choose. I didn't want to seem too greedy and I also wanted him to be impressed my decision so I made my mind up, a can of crushed pineapple. That was what I wanted for my treat. I remember him looking down at me skeptical, "Are you sure this is what you want?" “Oh yes, it is my favorite.” So he grabbed a can of crushed pineapple and we headed toward the checkout. I remember being so please with my choice, “Good for you Barbra, your grandpa will think you are so sensible." We approached the checkout, all of the items in a small basket, and we waited in line for our turn. The checkout lane was lined with all kinds of candy bars and bubblegum, I don't remember noticing that as much as the endless supply of clear bags, filled with powdered doughnuts, stacked on top of one another, in front of the checkout. I don't know if grandpa noticed me, noticing them, but he offered one last time. “Barbra you can have the pineapple. But why don't you get yourself a real treat.” I remember eagerly snatching up one of those bags, “May I have this?” He just shook his head yes and we continued through the checkout and on our way back to their lovely home on the Southside of Indy.
I don't remember eating those doughnuts. I just remember how special it was that he wanted to buy them for me. I think that is why when I am in wallowing in self-pity I turn to my friend, the one that is there to comfort me, my little powdered doughnuts...
Don't you think I see the huge spiritual flaw here? I will never win my weight battle if that is where I go for comfort. I know there is a comforter that I don't have to pay 2.50 for and that won't leave a ring of sweet, white powder on my lips and down my shirt.
Jesus said that he had to leave so that the comforter could come. Jesus, in his earthly body, did not make himself available to everyone on earth. But when he ascended he sent his spirit to be there for all of us whenever we ask, sometimes even when we don't. Even when it has been such a crappy day…that you find yourself scrounging through the house…looking for enough change… to buy a bag of comfort. Maybe his spirit helps you to remember where that loose dollar is or directs you to the sticky, crumb covered quarter underneath your car seat.
Thanks for the memories Grandpa Andrew Truden, I love you so much more than you know.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
What were they thinking?
Last night I enjoyed Passover dinner with The Gathering Place, our local Sabbath fellowship. It was a beautiful night. Our congregation recently chose to lease a small room at an old bank building with a collection of different businesses. Our room is small but the landlord has been very gracious to let us use the beautiful lobby for our gatherings. The lobby is set up like a park. There are big windows so you feel like you are outside. There are streetlights, park benches and a waterfall fountain. It really makes for a soothing and comfortable environment. It is a refreshing change from the dark, formal hall with stained glass windows and pew benches.
Anyway, about a dozen of us sat around a large table, the sun had set but light still colored the sky. The florescent overhead lights in the room had been turned off. But the dimmer streetlamps were still lit. The waterfall fountain had stopped flowing earlier and the dried tile with the chlorine buildup resembled the stones at the Wailing Wall. Everyone pitched in to bring something for the meal and Larry made a cd with a collection of Passover appropriate music to be played in the background.
Larry did a beautiful job officiating the message, meal and foot washing. Even with newcomers in the group and a new location, things went very smoothly. After the solemn service was over; no one really jumped right up to go. Many stayed around the table discussing miscellanies topics. One question that was raised was this; how could the disciples sit around the table, their last dinner with our savior and debate selfish topics like, which one of the 12 is the greatest?
When our family, and hopefully when our congregation focuses on Passover, we reflect on the sacrificial Lamb that was slain, our savior Yeshua, the Messiah. We focus on the suffering and anguish he went through just for us. We reflect on our sin that lead to his suffering and we are humbled and thankful for his unmatchable gift so that we might live forever. It is very personal, we know we all are sinners so that leads to a very reverent service. However in Jesus day; they would have been reflecting on their escape from Egypt 1500 years before. They were so separated from that experience that they may have been just going through the motions of "celebrating the Passover" Or maybe they felt it was a more festive occasion. I know nowadays Jews make the Seder "fun" for the children by hiding matza and throwing frogs around to symbolize the plagues. Plus even though there was a lot of death involved, the exodus was a marvelous occasion! It would be appropriate to have more festive activities and less serious talk. This reminds me of Memorial Day in the United States, a day to honor those fallen for freedom has turned into a drunken debate on who will win the Indy 500.
Yeshua took the observance to a different level. He remembered very vividly the events at the original Passover; he grieved for all of his creation that died there. He knew it was a foreshadow of what he would experience later. He took the meal very seriously.
I have heard that the 12 were young men; maybe they did not have much life experience. I know when I was a zealous young believer I was much more happy go lucky than I am now. I know I did not take life as seriously because of my immaturity. I do not claim now to have much more maturity or life experience; but wow, what a difference a year or ten can make. In the last ten years I have seen people hurt to the deepest parts of their souls. I have seen the stories that I heard about when I was younger played out before my eyes. I've seen believers blaspheme YHWH, I've seen pastors that know the truth, spread lies and I've seen fathers and mothers abandon their children. I've seen woman walk into a hospital pregnant and excited and leave with a tiny coffin. I've seen lovers love turn to hatred. I've seen the best laid plans of men; crumble in front of their eyes. My husband has seen all of this, plus an extra couple people dying every week. I guarantee I take my faith and my observances much more seriously than I did 10 years ago. The naivety and innocents is gone. I know very well this world needs a hope for the future.
So back to the 12; When they were around that table they may have been thinking shallow thoughts of their ancestors escaping Egyptian slavery. Boy would they get a wakeup call after seeing everything unfold in the next week. Although the bickering would continue with some of them, for sure any innocents and naivety would be gone after witnessing the death and then resurrection of their rabbi and best friend.
Anyway, about a dozen of us sat around a large table, the sun had set but light still colored the sky. The florescent overhead lights in the room had been turned off. But the dimmer streetlamps were still lit. The waterfall fountain had stopped flowing earlier and the dried tile with the chlorine buildup resembled the stones at the Wailing Wall. Everyone pitched in to bring something for the meal and Larry made a cd with a collection of Passover appropriate music to be played in the background.
Larry did a beautiful job officiating the message, meal and foot washing. Even with newcomers in the group and a new location, things went very smoothly. After the solemn service was over; no one really jumped right up to go. Many stayed around the table discussing miscellanies topics. One question that was raised was this; how could the disciples sit around the table, their last dinner with our savior and debate selfish topics like, which one of the 12 is the greatest?
When our family, and hopefully when our congregation focuses on Passover, we reflect on the sacrificial Lamb that was slain, our savior Yeshua, the Messiah. We focus on the suffering and anguish he went through just for us. We reflect on our sin that lead to his suffering and we are humbled and thankful for his unmatchable gift so that we might live forever. It is very personal, we know we all are sinners so that leads to a very reverent service. However in Jesus day; they would have been reflecting on their escape from Egypt 1500 years before. They were so separated from that experience that they may have been just going through the motions of "celebrating the Passover" Or maybe they felt it was a more festive occasion. I know nowadays Jews make the Seder "fun" for the children by hiding matza and throwing frogs around to symbolize the plagues. Plus even though there was a lot of death involved, the exodus was a marvelous occasion! It would be appropriate to have more festive activities and less serious talk. This reminds me of Memorial Day in the United States, a day to honor those fallen for freedom has turned into a drunken debate on who will win the Indy 500.
Yeshua took the observance to a different level. He remembered very vividly the events at the original Passover; he grieved for all of his creation that died there. He knew it was a foreshadow of what he would experience later. He took the meal very seriously.
I have heard that the 12 were young men; maybe they did not have much life experience. I know when I was a zealous young believer I was much more happy go lucky than I am now. I know I did not take life as seriously because of my immaturity. I do not claim now to have much more maturity or life experience; but wow, what a difference a year or ten can make. In the last ten years I have seen people hurt to the deepest parts of their souls. I have seen the stories that I heard about when I was younger played out before my eyes. I've seen believers blaspheme YHWH, I've seen pastors that know the truth, spread lies and I've seen fathers and mothers abandon their children. I've seen woman walk into a hospital pregnant and excited and leave with a tiny coffin. I've seen lovers love turn to hatred. I've seen the best laid plans of men; crumble in front of their eyes. My husband has seen all of this, plus an extra couple people dying every week. I guarantee I take my faith and my observances much more seriously than I did 10 years ago. The naivety and innocents is gone. I know very well this world needs a hope for the future.
So back to the 12; When they were around that table they may have been thinking shallow thoughts of their ancestors escaping Egyptian slavery. Boy would they get a wakeup call after seeing everything unfold in the next week. Although the bickering would continue with some of them, for sure any innocents and naivety would be gone after witnessing the death and then resurrection of their rabbi and best friend.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Treasure in the depths...
Hello, this is my attempt to type my 4th blog in a month; I have four unfinished thoughts waiting in my draft box. I often think of things I just have to type, then I start a little and the motivation or focus is gone to complete them. I've noticed that my focus for writing comes from being upset. So strange, takes me forever to write if I'm not mad about something. We will see if I get around to publishing this one.
Today is preparation day for Sabbath. The last few Sabbaths I have not done the deep cleaning I would normally do, I've been saving that for Sunday morning so the house will be spotless for our showings. There is no bread to bake because it is the Feast of Unleavened Bread. I have some store bought matza for the children, my husband and I are low carbing it throughout the season; however, we have made sure we have a little unleavened bread each day. Today is "Good Friday" so Lily is off school; really I have very little to do today. That is in huge contrast to all of the running and meetings my husband has planned for today.
I am certainly at a place of new beginnings. I can't help but daydream about the plans for the future. One thing about Larry and me, we have been open to different opportunities for our future. Many times we will have a few opportunities before us and will be excited about them all, but ultimately, God is the one that narrows down the options and makes things very clear to us. He has in so many ways, more and more of those testimonies I told you about.
So here we are; house on the market...but where will we go? I need a job....but what will I choose. Our Sabbath fellowship is starting with a blank slate... How will God use us?
I have kept a journal for years and I always have these types of questions. It is interesting to go back months later and see how it all played out. Often the thing I ask for now, I am thanking God for redirecting me later.
All of the Psalms are wonderful and wise but here is a good one for my current situation. Psalm 20:5 A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, But a man of understanding draws it out.
I feel like I have all of these options and opportunities in the depths of the ocean that is my soul. Will I make the effort to seek YHWH and His understanding so that I can draw out the plans He has set before me? I suppose the underwater scuba gear I would use to retrieve these treasures from beneath would be prayer, fasting, and reading scripture.
I started this blog in search of a perfected Barbra. I'm confident if I make the effort and use the right gear I will receive the perfection I seek. Maybe not by the time I'm 35 but eventually. I'm confident in this because I am confident in the God I serve and I trust wholly in His instruction.
Thank you Master for letting Your Son shine a light into the depths of my soul, so that I might see the sparkle of the treasure hidden deep within and be able to draw it out to be used for Your glory.
Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
Today is preparation day for Sabbath. The last few Sabbaths I have not done the deep cleaning I would normally do, I've been saving that for Sunday morning so the house will be spotless for our showings. There is no bread to bake because it is the Feast of Unleavened Bread. I have some store bought matza for the children, my husband and I are low carbing it throughout the season; however, we have made sure we have a little unleavened bread each day. Today is "Good Friday" so Lily is off school; really I have very little to do today. That is in huge contrast to all of the running and meetings my husband has planned for today.
I am certainly at a place of new beginnings. I can't help but daydream about the plans for the future. One thing about Larry and me, we have been open to different opportunities for our future. Many times we will have a few opportunities before us and will be excited about them all, but ultimately, God is the one that narrows down the options and makes things very clear to us. He has in so many ways, more and more of those testimonies I told you about.
So here we are; house on the market...but where will we go? I need a job....but what will I choose. Our Sabbath fellowship is starting with a blank slate... How will God use us?
I have kept a journal for years and I always have these types of questions. It is interesting to go back months later and see how it all played out. Often the thing I ask for now, I am thanking God for redirecting me later.
All of the Psalms are wonderful and wise but here is a good one for my current situation. Psalm 20:5 A plan
I feel like I have all of these options and opportunities in the depths of the ocean that is my soul. Will I make the effort to seek YHWH and His understanding so that I can draw out the plans He has set before me? I suppose the underwater scuba gear I would use to retrieve these treasures from beneath would be prayer, fasting, and reading scripture.
I started this blog in search of a perfected Barbra. I'm confident if I make the effort and use the right gear I will receive the perfection I seek. Maybe not by the time I'm 35 but eventually. I'm confident in this because I am confident in the God I serve and I trust wholly in His instruction.
Thank you Master for letting Your Son shine a light into the depths of my soul, so that I might see the sparkle of the treasure hidden deep within and be able to draw it out to be used for Your glory.
Philippians 1:6 For I am confident
Thursday, April 7, 2011
My Ren 6-6-97 to 4-7-2011
My little Chihuahua died this evening. He was hit by a car in the front of our house. Larry and I picked him out almost 14 years ago. It was just before the Taco Bell commercials with the Chihuahua ran. My Ren was so popular because of those commercials. He was a devoted and fierce creature. I doted over him before I had children. He slept under my armpit at night and we walked every day. One day I took him on a 9 mile March of Dimes walk. At the starting line there were police on horseback, he charged those horses. He was fearless when he thought I was in danger and when he thought he was in danger, he would shake. His whole body would quiver. There were just a few people in my life that he would let hold him and relax
It has only been a couple of hours and I miss him, I miss him terribly. I have such a hole in my heart right now. I wasn't a very good owner. He didn't always get fed on time. After the children came he never got walks. I just wasn't the type of person that could juggle dog and children. He never received the same attention after Lily was born; but I think that is ok. My children are to come first and animals are not to be treated human.
I told Larry tonight that I think it was appropriate that he died now. Ren represented a time, in mine and Larry's life, where we had few responsibilities; a time in life when things came really easy. I made reservations today for Larry and me to getaway for our 15th wedding anniversary. The majority of the first 15 years, things came pretty easy. Everything came easy; money, relationships, respect, parenting. The way things are going recently, I think this next 15 is going to be tough; money, relationships, respect.....parenting, sigh. We no longer have the desire for a puppy; we have become much too practical. We have to be to keep things going through this barren season and puppies don't fit.
Ren, I already miss you. All of our little hearts are aching in you absence. I don't believe I will see you again but I am thankful for the time I had. You defined the Rice family for 14 years. Eli always included you when people asked how many in the family.
I mentioned the 9 mile walk before, well…Ren completed the March of Dimes walk. . He walked with his legs moving so quickly the entire way. He made it through the finish line and when he knew he was done; he collapsed and stayed still for a good 20mins. That was an unusual amount of time to be still for him. Nine miles would have to be about 100 in Chihuahua miles. But he kept up beautifully.
He also kept up beautifully in the hectic race of life that is the Wild Rice Family. He deserves his much needed rest.
I'm hurting but I know this is all part of having a happy life. Dogs come and go. Thankfully, I do not have to feel the suffering of many others; the suffering of people that lose children, parents, and friends. I could never imagine the pain they feel. Thank you God that the pain that seems so big to me is so tiny on the scale of pain you have protected me from. I love you Jesus, thank you for my life; help me to sleep tonight so that I can prepare for Your Sabbath.
He gives and takes away.
It has only been a couple of hours and I miss him, I miss him terribly. I have such a hole in my heart right now. I wasn't a very good owner. He didn't always get fed on time. After the children came he never got walks. I just wasn't the type of person that could juggle dog and children. He never received the same attention after Lily was born; but I think that is ok. My children are to come first and animals are not to be treated human.
I told Larry tonight that I think it was appropriate that he died now. Ren represented a time, in mine and Larry's life, where we had few responsibilities; a time in life when things came really easy. I made reservations today for Larry and me to getaway for our 15th wedding anniversary. The majority of the first 15 years, things came pretty easy. Everything came easy; money, relationships, respect, parenting. The way things are going recently, I think this next 15 is going to be tough; money, relationships, respect.....parenting, sigh. We no longer have the desire for a puppy; we have become much too practical. We have to be to keep things going through this barren season and puppies don't fit.
Ren, I already miss you. All of our little hearts are aching in you absence. I don't believe I will see you again but I am thankful for the time I had. You defined the Rice family for 14 years. Eli always included you when people asked how many in the family.
I mentioned the 9 mile walk before, well…Ren completed the March of Dimes walk. . He walked with his legs moving so quickly the entire way. He made it through the finish line and when he knew he was done; he collapsed and stayed still for a good 20mins. That was an unusual amount of time to be still for him. Nine miles would have to be about 100 in Chihuahua miles. But he kept up beautifully.
He also kept up beautifully in the hectic race of life that is the Wild Rice Family. He deserves his much needed rest.
I'm hurting but I know this is all part of having a happy life. Dogs come and go. Thankfully, I do not have to feel the suffering of many others; the suffering of people that lose children, parents, and friends. I could never imagine the pain they feel. Thank you God that the pain that seems so big to me is so tiny on the scale of pain you have protected me from. I love you Jesus, thank you for my life; help me to sleep tonight so that I can prepare for Your Sabbath.
He gives and takes away.
Monday, March 7, 2011
My 20 min. blog
The last thing I should be doing right now is typing on my blog. I have 20 mins. until I have to leave to pick my daughter up from school. My baby is still sleeping, my other kids are still working on schoolwork and I have made a huge mess of this house. I feel like I am always reorganizing something. I am terrible at organization so reorganizing is a constant process in my home.
My house was in decent shape so I felt I could go downstairs and get the crawl space cleaned out. Now here I am with tons of empty boxes and storage containers, wet baby memorabilia and misc furniture stacked in my living room. I always hope to have the house in perfect shape when Larry gets home from work but it rarely happens. I know this is something that won't get finished tonight so I have a decision to make. Do I live with the mess for a couple days, maybe a week, until I get the crawl space cleaned or do I decide it is too much, throw everything back down into the crawl space and pretend the mess isn't there?
No one see the mess down there, so it doesn't make me look bad, but I know it is there. And I know that when we get ready to sell this home and people start looking in nooks and crannies they will not be impressed with the junk thrown in the crawl space.
The mess in my house is a good model for the mess in my life. I have a lot of junk built up in the secret innermost places of my heart. I would really like to get it cleaned up but every time I try to dig down and deal with the mess below, I can't handle all the junk that surfaces. I don't know where to put it in my life. It can be embarrassing for others to see, and make them a little uncomfortable. So I shove all of that life junk into the crawl space of my soul and pretend it isn't there. But you know I can't hide the mess from those people I've let in, the ones that know my nooks and crannies. The people that know on the outside things look clean enough, but there is still a lot of work to be done underneath.
As I prepare for this Passover season, I will literally get into all of the neglected places of my house where leaven could be hiding. I pray that with every crumb I discard, I also discard a little of the spiritual leaven that grows in my life. The leaven of regret, anger, laziness, impatience, doubt and so on.
For now, I have decided to live with this mess tonight, so that I can get this house into shape and get it sold!
My house was in decent shape so I felt I could go downstairs and get the crawl space cleaned out. Now here I am with tons of empty boxes and storage containers, wet baby memorabilia and misc furniture stacked in my living room. I always hope to have the house in perfect shape when Larry gets home from work but it rarely happens. I know this is something that won't get finished tonight so I have a decision to make. Do I live with the mess for a couple days, maybe a week, until I get the crawl space cleaned or do I decide it is too much, throw everything back down into the crawl space and pretend the mess isn't there?
No one see the mess down there, so it doesn't make me look bad, but I know it is there. And I know that when we get ready to sell this home and people start looking in nooks and crannies they will not be impressed with the junk thrown in the crawl space.
The mess in my house is a good model for the mess in my life. I have a lot of junk built up in the secret innermost places of my heart. I would really like to get it cleaned up but every time I try to dig down and deal with the mess below, I can't handle all the junk that surfaces. I don't know where to put it in my life. It can be embarrassing for others to see, and make them a little uncomfortable. So I shove all of that life junk into the crawl space of my soul and pretend it isn't there. But you know I can't hide the mess from those people I've let in, the ones that know my nooks and crannies. The people that know on the outside things look clean enough, but there is still a lot of work to be done underneath.
As I prepare for this Passover season, I will literally get into all of the neglected places of my house where leaven could be hiding. I pray that with every crumb I discard, I also discard a little of the spiritual leaven that grows in my life. The leaven of regret, anger, laziness, impatience, doubt and so on.
For now, I have decided to live with this mess tonight, so that I can get this house into shape and get it sold!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Mommy a pwincess 1
It is too late at night! Another one of those late nights, lying in bed, waiting for my thoughts to slow down. I do not often get a good night sleep on Saturday nights. All of the sugar from Sabbath fellowship goes through my veins and keeps my mind racing and my heart pumping. I guess I will take advantage of the energy and share a testimony, as I said before, I have many.
10 years ago my husband interviewed for a youth pastor position at a conservative Anabaptist church. I live in Northern Indiana and there is a pretty large community of Anabaptist; Mennonites, Amish, ect. This particular church, the church of the Brethren, came out of Germany around the same time as the Mennonites and settled in Pennsylvania. There are a few distinctives in Anabaptist believers. For the most part, we are pacifist, we try to live simple lives, we are less evangelical and the outward appearance is pretty important, not in a vain way but in a pious way. One of the most obvious forms of our outward expression comes right out of 1 Corinthians 11, a little hat that the ladies and sometimes children, wear on their head.
The Amish have been very good about trying to stay true to there pious garb and for the most part they set themselves apart from the rest of the world. The Mennonites and the Brethren have gone much more main stream and have become more liberal in their thinking. Many ladies have thrown out their dark shapeless dresses for fashion and have tossed there little hats, or coverings, for short goofy haircuts. This was done to appeal more to the masses, in hopes that they might grow. Also, because they were tired of living under the thumbs of the men in churches. We found the Church of the Brethren through a very liberal church and only saw the head coverings come out a couple times a year at communion. But in the church Larry interviewed, they wore them every meeting.
It was different that this new church wore a covering but I guess it was Biblical. I was trying very hard to follow the Bible, I knew very little but I knew if the Bible said so and theologians agreed, I needed to do whatever it took to be a good Christian. I have always been strong willed and I told my husband that I wasn't sure about those silly things. I also told him there was no way I was wearing one just so he could get a job. I would really have to pray and read and feel lead that it truly was scripture and not just a tradition.
So I prayed and read in my immaturity. I felt that it was truth and that it needed to be done. It was a good thing I came to that conclusion because Larry was offered the job. Now it would be expected of me. In the mean time, we still had about 3 months in the current church he was serving. This church did not practice the covering, in fact, there were some that were very much against wearing it. They had seen many woman oppressed and abused in the name of the covering. They must submit, it is all about submission right?......no, but I'll speak to that later.
So what do I do in this three month transition period? It was December when I had the revelation to wear covering. I did what any "mature" Bible believer would do... I decided to make it my News Years Resolution to wear my head covering every Sunday morning. No matter what church I was attending. I'm pretty sure that is how it was commanded in the Bible. Don't worry about the rest of the week when you are not around church people, wear your covering every Sunday morning. 1 Hypocrite 1:1
I was pretty close with the kids in the youth group at the church, I told them my conviction and told them that no matter what, come January first, I would start this practice of covering my head. Well the first Sunday in January came, then the second. One of the young girls, to whom I shared my conviction, asked me in a meeting why I wasn't wearing my covering. I told her that I chickend out, I was afraid of the reaction I would get from the others at church.
Do you know what this 17 year old girls loving response to me was? .....let me see if I can remember all of what she said. It went something like this.....BOOOOOOOO!! She booed me, not because she believed in the head covering but because I did not follow through with a conviction, even after making it known to others. She was so right, I love that girl.
This blog could go on forever, and it just may. I have so much to say on this topic....
to be continued...
10 years ago my husband interviewed for a youth pastor position at a conservative Anabaptist church. I live in Northern Indiana and there is a pretty large community of Anabaptist; Mennonites, Amish, ect. This particular church, the church of the Brethren, came out of Germany around the same time as the Mennonites and settled in Pennsylvania. There are a few distinctives in Anabaptist believers. For the most part, we are pacifist, we try to live simple lives, we are less evangelical and the outward appearance is pretty important, not in a vain way but in a pious way. One of the most obvious forms of our outward expression comes right out of 1 Corinthians 11, a little hat that the ladies and sometimes children, wear on their head.
The Amish have been very good about trying to stay true to there pious garb and for the most part they set themselves apart from the rest of the world. The Mennonites and the Brethren have gone much more main stream and have become more liberal in their thinking. Many ladies have thrown out their dark shapeless dresses for fashion and have tossed there little hats, or coverings, for short goofy haircuts. This was done to appeal more to the masses, in hopes that they might grow. Also, because they were tired of living under the thumbs of the men in churches. We found the Church of the Brethren through a very liberal church and only saw the head coverings come out a couple times a year at communion. But in the church Larry interviewed, they wore them every meeting.
It was different that this new church wore a covering but I guess it was Biblical. I was trying very hard to follow the Bible, I knew very little but I knew if the Bible said so and theologians agreed, I needed to do whatever it took to be a good Christian. I have always been strong willed and I told my husband that I wasn't sure about those silly things. I also told him there was no way I was wearing one just so he could get a job. I would really have to pray and read and feel lead that it truly was scripture and not just a tradition.
So I prayed and read in my immaturity. I felt that it was truth and that it needed to be done. It was a good thing I came to that conclusion because Larry was offered the job. Now it would be expected of me. In the mean time, we still had about 3 months in the current church he was serving. This church did not practice the covering, in fact, there were some that were very much against wearing it. They had seen many woman oppressed and abused in the name of the covering. They must submit, it is all about submission right?......no, but I'll speak to that later.
So what do I do in this three month transition period? It was December when I had the revelation to wear covering. I did what any "mature" Bible believer would do... I decided to make it my News Years Resolution to wear my head covering every Sunday morning. No matter what church I was attending. I'm pretty sure that is how it was commanded in the Bible. Don't worry about the rest of the week when you are not around church people, wear your covering every Sunday morning. 1 Hypocrite 1:1
I was pretty close with the kids in the youth group at the church, I told them my conviction and told them that no matter what, come January first, I would start this practice of covering my head. Well the first Sunday in January came, then the second. One of the young girls, to whom I shared my conviction, asked me in a meeting why I wasn't wearing my covering. I told her that I chickend out, I was afraid of the reaction I would get from the others at church.
Do you know what this 17 year old girls loving response to me was? .....let me see if I can remember all of what she said. It went something like this.....BOOOOOOOO!! She booed me, not because she believed in the head covering but because I did not follow through with a conviction, even after making it known to others. She was so right, I love that girl.
This blog could go on forever, and it just may. I have so much to say on this topic....
to be continued...
Friday, February 25, 2011
Everyday is the first day of the rest of my life...
It is 10:30 Friday morning, and I really should start preparing for Sabbath. Everyone in the family gets excited about the Sabbath, even the baby. Sunset was one of his first phrases. Everything will stop in the Rice home about 6:30 this evening. I only have a few hours to get this place clean, cook a turkey, and make some challah.
But....
I had to stop this A.M. and put some thoughts down.
Last evening my husband had the last of many meetings. Five years ago the meetings started, and Larry has been singled out for one reason or another. He has been put in the position to defend his beliefs and his God to, who else, other "believers." My mind spins and my heart aches for so many reasons. How could a pastor and mentor hatefully slander someone he once called brother? How could a district of churches, who desperately need young people, and who just as desperately, need educated pastors, turn down a young zealous man with a large young family? A man who, while working a professional job, pastoring a small church, and totally renovating a house, graduated cum laude with 2 masters degrees? I just don't understand....
What does YHWH say about this:
Barbra, who are you to question My motives? who are you to second guess My plan? Do you think you could do a better job with your life than your Creator? Who are you....you are My child. I wove you together in your mother's womb. I know your thoughts before you speak them. Stop wiggling and fighting in My arms and calm down, trust Me. I've got you and as long as you will let me, I will carry you through this. Rest peacefully in my loving arms. My sweet child, you don't have to understand, just trust. Oh..... and my arms are big enough to cradle your faithful husband too. He knows this, that is why he is at peace. Now, get the house together so that you can enjoy my gift to you, my Sabbath. I look forward to being with your family this evening' and I will give you the strength to get your work done today. You know that' sweetie? I love you so. Get going....it isn't Sabbath yet.
But....
I had to stop this A.M. and put some thoughts down.
Last evening my husband had the last of many meetings. Five years ago the meetings started, and Larry has been singled out for one reason or another. He has been put in the position to defend his beliefs and his God to, who else, other "believers." My mind spins and my heart aches for so many reasons. How could a pastor and mentor hatefully slander someone he once called brother? How could a district of churches, who desperately need young people, and who just as desperately, need educated pastors, turn down a young zealous man with a large young family? A man who, while working a professional job, pastoring a small church, and totally renovating a house, graduated cum laude with 2 masters degrees? I just don't understand....
What does YHWH say about this:
Barbra, who are you to question My motives? who are you to second guess My plan? Do you think you could do a better job with your life than your Creator? Who are you....you are My child. I wove you together in your mother's womb. I know your thoughts before you speak them. Stop wiggling and fighting in My arms and calm down, trust Me. I've got you and as long as you will let me, I will carry you through this. Rest peacefully in my loving arms. My sweet child, you don't have to understand, just trust. Oh..... and my arms are big enough to cradle your faithful husband too. He knows this, that is why he is at peace. Now, get the house together so that you can enjoy my gift to you, my Sabbath. I look forward to being with your family this evening' and I will give you the strength to get your work done today. You know that' sweetie? I love you so. Get going....it isn't Sabbath yet.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Well, it is 4:30am, and the house is really quiet. I made sure I shut the door to our bedroom so that the sound of my typing wouldn’t wake anyone.
I was awakened by my little dog,and his long nails lighting tapping on the floor. It is the faintest sound, but in the middle of the night, it might as well be a gong. I wake up with him almost every night. If I let the tapping go I‘m sure to find a puddle in the morning. Sometimes I feel like I have a baby again.
It is no good that I am up this early. I used up my last bit of coffee yesterday so I don't know how I am going to function come 10:30am. Maybe I could scrounge up a dollar and take my kids to play a McDonalds. I have a friend I could call. Maybe she could meet me there, and we could spend the morning sipping coffee and chatting about our woes.
I will likely sit there by myself, staring at the people. I'll watch the workers behind the counter franticly filling orders. I'll watch the older lady that wipes down the tables and straightens the ketchup and sugar. I'll watch the old man with his coffee and biscuit reading the paper. I'll wonder about him. Is he lonely? Does he go to McDonalds for company , to get away, or to get his fill of coffee so that he can have the strength at 11:30am to stop the two year old from shoving toilet paper in the toilet.
I just heard a yelp from the back room. Mom! My typing has woke someone up...maybe I should come back to this later and for now go watch some infomercials...
Well, it is a few days later and I was able to get together $2.00. Enough for coffee and cookies, one for each child. The children happily played with the others in the playground, mostly toddlers, any older ones would have been in school.
I was surprised at how packed the place was at 11:00am. There wasn't just one old man sipping his coffee. There were 15. You could tell they met there regularly. Some of them had their wives along. They all seemed happy, and it was a blessing to watch them laugh.
I took my Bible with me. I do that often, take my Bible thinking I will read it while the children play. But the fact is thatI never open it. I am way too interested in what everyone else is doing. It is impossible for me to tune out a crowd of people to read, or do anything. I secretly want to be part of their lives. I want to know how they live. I want to know if they are married, or what job their husbands have. Surely, they would have to have pretty good jobs for all of the children to get a happy meal.
I feel so blessed that I have four beautiful and smart children. I feel doubly blessed, no matter the price, to be able to stay with them all day.
Sometimes I feel sad that our parents miss out on all of the amazing things they do. Amazing things like Mati trying so hard to eat with chopsticks, or Eli telling one of his incredibly creative stories. I guess I just need to come to the reality that even though I want the world to think my children are amazing and to see them grow, maybe God has given that just for me and Larry to cherish.
If I could save time in a bottle there would never be enough space to hoard all of the memorable moments, and I'm only a third of the way through my life.
I have many sorrows and regrets, but they are totally overshadowed by the snapshots of joy that define my family.
Oh, God.......... thanks.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Poems from my family
.
A poem from Eli:
I like my belly, belly.
I like it really well.
I like my belly, belly.
It makes me look swell.
A poem from Wynnie:
Yeshua, Yeshua
Yeshua is king.
Yeshua, Yeshua
King of everything!
A poem from Lily to Wynnie, written last year for her birthday.
Tomorrow is Wynnie's birthday. I hate to brag, but it is true.
I can't wait. How about you?
We will probably have cake and ice cream.
I hope I can get her a present.
Maybe some made many,
But I don't know how much I will get her because, I only have a penny.
Her favorite toy is littlest pet shop. There are dogs and cats,
Some even have hats.
Canaan is Wynnies favorite game. Canaan comes from the Bible.
She wins almost every time.
It is her favorite game, but I know it's not mine.
Wynnie is the best sister,
I could never have one like her.
I thank God every night for giving me a sister like her.
Happy Birthday Wynnie, love Lily.
A poem from Larry. This was written before we had children and before we knew the truth about secular holidays. (Although, I'm pretty sure St. Patrick kept the Sabbath.)
My husband is a hospice chaplain. I hate to acknowledge this, but he is gifted in giving compassionate and beautiful funeral services. I've been there to hear him speak at many. His words certainly have a way of comforting the family. He is perfectly suited for the job God has given him. Perfectly....except, that the job drains him so. As an introvert he is totally exhausted by comforting others all day long. I feel like the children and I are the only ones who think to comfort him. That is, after we have asked him to meet all of our needs.
Larry's family has been gifted with poetry. My children must have a little bit of that gift. I am useless at writing poems. Poetry is something I think is kind of....magical. People like Larry and others I know that can effortlessly write a poem are a marvel to me.
I know that poetry is not a gift God has given me. I am totally ok with that. I don't have to write poems, just appreciate them
A poem from Eli:
I like my belly, belly.
I like it really well.
I like my belly, belly.
It makes me look swell.
A poem from Wynnie:
Yeshua, Yeshua
Yeshua is king.
Yeshua, Yeshua
King of everything!
A poem from Lily to Wynnie, written last year for her birthday.
Tomorrow is Wynnie's birthday. I hate to brag, but it is true.
I can't wait. How about you?
We will probably have cake and ice cream.
I hope I can get her a present.
Maybe some made many,
But I don't know how much I will get her because, I only have a penny.
Her favorite toy is littlest pet shop. There are dogs and cats,
Some even have hats.
Canaan is Wynnies favorite game. Canaan comes from the Bible.
She wins almost every time.
It is her favorite game, but I know it's not mine.
Wynnie is the best sister,
I could never have one like her.
I thank God every night for giving me a sister like her.
Happy Birthday Wynnie, love Lily.
A poem from Larry. This was written before we had children and before we knew the truth about secular holidays. (Although, I'm pretty sure St. Patrick kept the Sabbath.)
Barbra
When the sun is darkened, and the moon turns red,
then shall we see Jesus, coming overhead.
We shall stand together, if it be our Lords will,
listening to the trumpet sound, as we be still.
Then being changed, in the twinkling of an eye,
going hand in hand, to meet Him in the sky.
Finally, shall we stand, before His glorious face,
forever to behold, His true mercy and grace.
For now we pray, that our children, be there too,
waiting to hear them say, "Jesus, I love you."
Oh, how I long to be called from above,
For then I shall give thee, a more perfect love.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day
Love forever, Larry
My husband is a hospice chaplain. I hate to acknowledge this, but he is gifted in giving compassionate and beautiful funeral services. I've been there to hear him speak at many. His words certainly have a way of comforting the family. He is perfectly suited for the job God has given him. Perfectly....except, that the job drains him so. As an introvert he is totally exhausted by comforting others all day long. I feel like the children and I are the only ones who think to comfort him. That is, after we have asked him to meet all of our needs.
Larry's family has been gifted with poetry. My children must have a little bit of that gift. I am useless at writing poems. Poetry is something I think is kind of....magical. People like Larry and others I know that can effortlessly write a poem are a marvel to me.
I know that poetry is not a gift God has given me. I am totally ok with that. I don't have to write poems, just appreciate them
Thursday, February 3, 2011
My Symphony by William Henry Channing
Lily came home today with Homework. Her assignment was to pick out a book at home that she liked and take it to school to read to some kindergarten children. I have quite a few children’s books, but because I didn't read much to Lily as a baby, she couldn't pick which one was her favorite.
As we thumbed through the bookshelf I came across a lovely book illustrated by Mary Engelbreit. M. E. is my mothers favorite artist. "Lily, Grandma gave you this book when you were born. I used to read this one to you." Lily looked at the book, read the inscription, and said "Mom, this isn't my book." "What!" I said. I grabbed the book from her and this is what the inscription read:
To Barbra,
I love you so very much. As you read this book, let it be your symphony to share with your children.
Love, Mom Dec. 1998
This was a timely find. The other day I told my mother that she had never written anything nice to me, I guess I was wrong.
Thanks Mom, I love you.
As we thumbed through the bookshelf I came across a lovely book illustrated by Mary Engelbreit. M. E. is my mothers favorite artist. "Lily, Grandma gave you this book when you were born. I used to read this one to you." Lily looked at the book, read the inscription, and said "Mom, this isn't my book." "What!" I said. I grabbed the book from her and this is what the inscription read:
To Barbra,
I love you so very much. As you read this book, let it be your symphony to share with your children.
Love, Mom Dec. 1998
This was a timely find. The other day I told my mother that she had never written anything nice to me, I guess I was wrong.
Here is the poem:
To live content with small means;
To seek elegance rather than luxury,
and refinement rather than fashion;
To be worthy, not respectable;
and wealthy, not rich;
To study hard,
Think quietly,
Talk gently,
Act frankly;
To listen to stars and birds,
To babes and sages, with an open heart,
To bear all cheerfully,
Do all bravely,
Await occasions,
Hurry never.
...To let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious,
Grow up through the common.
This is to be my symphony.
Thanks Mom, I love you.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I expect you to be sensible...what is wrong with that?
I've been told recently by someone close to me that I expect too much from my relationships with others, and that my views are unrealistic. I am very much someone who wears her heart on her sleeve. There is no question with me. You get what you see. I'm not a very private person (sometimes to the chagrin of my husband.) I'm very open with my failures. If I'm happy to see someone they know it. If I've been hurt I suspect they know that too.
I think it is true that God gave us others to help with the hard journey that is our life. Why is it then that the very people God has given us to help end up making things more difficult. God put us all here to be an example to someone. I know that I have to be an example to younger mothers, young believers, and especially to the children God has entrusted to me. I know that they will look to me for most everything. I will be an example to them until the day I die. I pray my children will look to me as a blessing in their life and not someone that adds to their burdens.
I have searched for people to be an example to me my whole life. I am a teachable person. I want to know how to live life well. I have a person in my mind that I want to be, and I look for people to show me how to be that person.
I have learned many things over the past few years by piecing together tidbits of different people. This last weekend I intently watched a lovely woman eat an orange. She ate pieces of that orange that I never thought to eat. Today, as I peeled my orange, I ate some of the peel. It was yummy. It was not sweet but full of flavor.
I am a people watcher. I would be very happy sitting in a mall or public area staring at people all day. I like to imagine what things are like for them at home. I like to admire the way they dress. And, I laugh at silly things some of them may do. Many times my heart will break for them; the exasperated mother. The lonely child. I always seem to identify with them in some way. A lot of times I just want to help. I hate seeing other people suffer, even if it is slight.
So back to my expectations of people...hmmm,
I expect a friend to be cautious of your feeling and not ignore your hurt.
I expect a mother or father to put aside themselves and their luxuries to provide for their children....kids first.
I expect a pastor to care more about my spiritual being than his own recognition.
I expect a boss to be fare.
I expect my children to listen and do what I say, as long as it is reasonable.
I expect that when someone gives me something it is because of my need and not because of their need to feel appreciated.
I expect a teacher to teach.
I expect to feel wanted and welcomed when someone invites me to their home.
I expect a person who claims to follow Jesus example, to follow it.
I have other expectations but really, are these that unrealistic? I pray not.
Passage on my heart:
Older men are to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance. Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. Likewise urge the young men to be sensible; in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us. Urge bondslaves to be subject to their own masters in everything, to be well-pleasing, not argumentative, not pilfering, but showing all good faith so that they will adorn the doctrine of God our Savior in every respect. For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men,
Titus 2: 1-11
I think it is true that God gave us others to help with the hard journey that is our life. Why is it then that the very people God has given us to help end up making things more difficult. God put us all here to be an example to someone. I know that I have to be an example to younger mothers, young believers, and especially to the children God has entrusted to me. I know that they will look to me for most everything. I will be an example to them until the day I die. I pray my children will look to me as a blessing in their life and not someone that adds to their burdens.
I have searched for people to be an example to me my whole life. I am a teachable person. I want to know how to live life well. I have a person in my mind that I want to be, and I look for people to show me how to be that person.
I have learned many things over the past few years by piecing together tidbits of different people. This last weekend I intently watched a lovely woman eat an orange. She ate pieces of that orange that I never thought to eat. Today, as I peeled my orange, I ate some of the peel. It was yummy. It was not sweet but full of flavor.
I am a people watcher. I would be very happy sitting in a mall or public area staring at people all day. I like to imagine what things are like for them at home. I like to admire the way they dress. And, I laugh at silly things some of them may do. Many times my heart will break for them; the exasperated mother. The lonely child. I always seem to identify with them in some way. A lot of times I just want to help. I hate seeing other people suffer, even if it is slight.
So back to my expectations of people...hmmm,
I expect a friend to be cautious of your feeling and not ignore your hurt.
I expect a mother or father to put aside themselves and their luxuries to provide for their children....kids first.
I expect a pastor to care more about my spiritual being than his own recognition.
I expect a boss to be fare.
I expect my children to listen and do what I say, as long as it is reasonable.
I expect that when someone gives me something it is because of my need and not because of their need to feel appreciated.
I expect a teacher to teach.
I expect to feel wanted and welcomed when someone invites me to their home.
I expect a person who claims to follow Jesus example, to follow it.
I have other expectations but really, are these that unrealistic? I pray not.
Passage on my heart:
Older men are to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance. Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. Likewise urge the young men to be sensible; in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us. Urge bondslaves to be subject to their own masters in everything, to be well-pleasing, not argumentative, not pilfering, but showing all good faith so that they will adorn the doctrine of God our Savior in every respect. For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men,
Titus 2: 1-11
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I'm happy...I pray you are too!
Well, it has been a month since I started this blog. When I first started I thought I would have something to write everyday. Writing everyday isn't a reality, but that is ok. I'm not sure if all of you out in blog world would care to read something posted from me everyday.
I am settling into 34. Eating much more healthy and exercising more often. I have been reading through Samuel and Kings in the Bible. I'm really interested in understanding the history better. I hope to read through the Bible this year,but I refuse to start in Genesis. Larry and I had the opportunity to have two beautiful Irish sisters in our home a few years back. One of the girls pointed out to me that many Christians have read through Genesis many times. She noted the reason to be that anyone wanting to read through the Bible "proper" as she said, will start with Genesis first and often give up before the end.
I really enjoy the relationships God has given me, and I am getting old enough for exciting reunions with past friends. I forgotten how many I have accumulated over the years.
My children are a constant joy in my life. My Lily is growing into a beautiful young lady. She is officially taller than me. She measures 5ft 1in. The other day, the principal of her school singled me out and told me what a fantastic child I have and how she is such a joy to have around.
Eli is always surprising me with his wit. He is always saying funny, thoughtful things. He came into the kitchen the other day to tell me a joke. "Mommy, what singer celebrates April Fools Day? Peter Fooler. " That is funny if you are a Newsboys fan. He can join any conversation with an anecdote from Spongebob and every once in a while surprises me with a kiss.
My Wynnie is a doll. Her 2 front teeth are nearly grown in. She is reading really well, and she loves to do her school work. Her baby brother looks to her often for help, and her big brother looks to her for a play buddy. They are two peas in a pod. I look to her for a sweet smile, and she never lets me down.
Mati...well...he is two, and he is a stinker. He does the naughtiest things; However, he is so cute doing them that he rarely gets punished. He left a lovely mural for me on my living room wall. (Just an FYI that a Mister Clean Sponge will not get red dry erase marker off of a yellow wall.) He wakes up at 6:30 to "get to work." I'm awakened by the flick of his light switch and his little feet scampering across the floor. He never fails to find the loudest toy in his toy box to play over and over again, about 100 times before I am able to roll out of my comfy bed.
My dog is peeing all over the place and, as Forest Gump would say, "that is all I have to say about that."
Larry is my life. I find myself daily day dreaming about him. I dream about the past we have shared and the future to come. I can't express how important he is in my life. I'm so in love.
So that is where I am right now. It is not perfect, but it is heading in a good direction. I'm happy! I pray you are too!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
When you're drowning in the waters and can't stay afloat. Ask HaShem for mercy and he'll throw you a rope.
I feel like I can't breathe! My arms are flailing. My feet are kicking, and my head barely makes it to the surface for one good breath. This breath is sufficient enough to sustain my flailing but not enough to feel refreshed and satisfied, and so it goes on and on...the kicking and flailing…
My current location is right in the middle of the ocean that is Barbra's life. I jumped ship from the S.S. Flowers 16 years ago. It wasn't a luxury yacht by any means and not a vacation boat either. It was a work boat. All I did was work and sleep. I barely got by. I didn't get along very well with the other shipmates, and I felt it would be easier on my own. So, I took a flimsy lifeboat with a few provisions, and I jumped ship.
At first, it was nice. I was on my own. I made the schedule and didn't have to account to anyone. I had no unreasonable chores. Any work that needed to be done was accomplished and I directly benefited. This was the life! I was my own captain, but that didn't last long. When I jumped ship I knew I wouldn't be alone for long. I'd made arrangements with my best mate. We were going to meet up and sail the seas together.
I could see his small fishing boat on the horizon. He's chuggin towards me. I'm so excited! This is what I've always dreamed of doing! Sailing the sea of life with a capable, strong, loving man. I knew there would be rough seas ahead, but I didn’t care. I could do anything with his support. I was ready for anything...so I thought.
There he was, the strong captain of the Larry Rice Jr., His small hand, the same size as mine, stretched out over the edge of the boat and reached for me. His loving eyes and sweet smile greeted me saying, "I am ready for this...let's go!" I gladly left my dinghy behind and jumped aboard.
We spent a couple of carefree years on the small fishing boat. Then, later, added a couple shipmates. Together, we decided that with the responsibility to care for the new members, we needed another, larger, boat. We worked hard for this new boat. It was great. Just enough space for us all and then some. We named the new boat The Way, and it was working well; however, It was harder to maintain and the work was constant. There was very little downtime to relax and appreciate the vast surroundings. Still, it was worth it! The vessel was getting us to our goal of independence and freedom.
The one, quirky, and exasperating issue with this boat was, if the captain, or myself, made one wrong decision it had a tendency to capsize. Thankfully, it would correct itself, and we could hop back on and continue our journey. But, in the meantime, we would be thrown from our routine, and all of us would be left treading water in the middle of this unpredictable ocean.
The first few times were manageable. We had the strength and could endure the various times in the ocean. But after a while, the capsizing was more frequent, and the boat would take longer to correct itself. Our crew was getting bigger. It was pretty hard in those times treading water to stay afloat and make sure all of our shipmate's needs were met.
The captain and I did the best we could to give them instruction and we tried to encourage them to be able to stay above the water. As we helped them our time in the water would go by quickly and would leave us exhausted. It seemed like every time we capsized the ordeal would take a little piece of the captain and me. We didn't have the same vigor we used to, and it seemed that instead of being able to enjoy our time of "rest" on the boat. We were using that time to give us enough strength to manage the next time in salty, choppy waters.
I predict the capsizing will never stop. I just hope it will become less frequent as the captain and I learn to navigate the ship better. Eventually, our crew will want their own boat. I hope we will have done a good job preparing them for the journey.
Right now, as I sit on a barstool at the kitchen counter. I feel like every day I barely keep from drowning. I'm exhausted by life issues. The waves of responsibility, decisions, and relationships leave me constantly gasping for air. Larry, my captain, is still the willing and loving man he always has been but his eyes are tired. Instead of saying, "I'm ready" they say, "now what?" Instead of saying "let's go!" it is more like "I suppose we had better take care of this." He is a good captain though. We know many who have abandoned ship. Not him, he has committed to The way and its crew.
I thank you, Jesus. I know my life issues are mild compared to many. I know that I'm not dealing with any more than most people. I thank you that you are there for me, and the few times I have thought to call on Your Name you have come through amazingly. You have put my family in an incredible position. You have given us so much. You have never let us drown. Even when we stop kicking our feet or moving our arms, you have a rope constantly tethered to the ship. If we remember, all we have to do it grab on for dear life and find the rest we need in cruel waters. I love you and I feel so very blessed. Help me to remember all you have given me and help me to not be distracted by the storms of life.
Verse on my heart:
Matthew 14:31
Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?"
My current location is right in the middle of the ocean that is Barbra's life. I jumped ship from the S.S. Flowers 16 years ago. It wasn't a luxury yacht by any means and not a vacation boat either. It was a work boat. All I did was work and sleep. I barely got by. I didn't get along very well with the other shipmates, and I felt it would be easier on my own. So, I took a flimsy lifeboat with a few provisions, and I jumped ship.
At first, it was nice. I was on my own. I made the schedule and didn't have to account to anyone. I had no unreasonable chores. Any work that needed to be done was accomplished and I directly benefited. This was the life! I was my own captain, but that didn't last long. When I jumped ship I knew I wouldn't be alone for long. I'd made arrangements with my best mate. We were going to meet up and sail the seas together.
I could see his small fishing boat on the horizon. He's chuggin towards me. I'm so excited! This is what I've always dreamed of doing! Sailing the sea of life with a capable, strong, loving man. I knew there would be rough seas ahead, but I didn’t care. I could do anything with his support. I was ready for anything...so I thought.
There he was, the strong captain of the Larry Rice Jr., His small hand, the same size as mine, stretched out over the edge of the boat and reached for me. His loving eyes and sweet smile greeted me saying, "I am ready for this...let's go!" I gladly left my dinghy behind and jumped aboard.
We spent a couple of carefree years on the small fishing boat. Then, later, added a couple shipmates. Together, we decided that with the responsibility to care for the new members, we needed another, larger, boat. We worked hard for this new boat. It was great. Just enough space for us all and then some. We named the new boat The Way, and it was working well; however, It was harder to maintain and the work was constant. There was very little downtime to relax and appreciate the vast surroundings. Still, it was worth it! The vessel was getting us to our goal of independence and freedom.
The one, quirky, and exasperating issue with this boat was, if the captain, or myself, made one wrong decision it had a tendency to capsize. Thankfully, it would correct itself, and we could hop back on and continue our journey. But, in the meantime, we would be thrown from our routine, and all of us would be left treading water in the middle of this unpredictable ocean.
The first few times were manageable. We had the strength and could endure the various times in the ocean. But after a while, the capsizing was more frequent, and the boat would take longer to correct itself. Our crew was getting bigger. It was pretty hard in those times treading water to stay afloat and make sure all of our shipmate's needs were met.
The captain and I did the best we could to give them instruction and we tried to encourage them to be able to stay above the water. As we helped them our time in the water would go by quickly and would leave us exhausted. It seemed like every time we capsized the ordeal would take a little piece of the captain and me. We didn't have the same vigor we used to, and it seemed that instead of being able to enjoy our time of "rest" on the boat. We were using that time to give us enough strength to manage the next time in salty, choppy waters.
I predict the capsizing will never stop. I just hope it will become less frequent as the captain and I learn to navigate the ship better. Eventually, our crew will want their own boat. I hope we will have done a good job preparing them for the journey.
Right now, as I sit on a barstool at the kitchen counter. I feel like every day I barely keep from drowning. I'm exhausted by life issues. The waves of responsibility, decisions, and relationships leave me constantly gasping for air. Larry, my captain, is still the willing and loving man he always has been but his eyes are tired. Instead of saying, "I'm ready" they say, "now what?" Instead of saying "let's go!" it is more like "I suppose we had better take care of this." He is a good captain though. We know many who have abandoned ship. Not him, he has committed to The way and its crew.
I thank you, Jesus. I know my life issues are mild compared to many. I know that I'm not dealing with any more than most people. I thank you that you are there for me, and the few times I have thought to call on Your Name you have come through amazingly. You have put my family in an incredible position. You have given us so much. You have never let us drown. Even when we stop kicking our feet or moving our arms, you have a rope constantly tethered to the ship. If we remember, all we have to do it grab on for dear life and find the rest we need in cruel waters. I love you and I feel so very blessed. Help me to remember all you have given me and help me to not be distracted by the storms of life.
Verse on my heart:
Matthew 14:31
Immediately
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