Wow! Can anyone read that line and not feel conviction? There are so many outward things I do throughout the day. "Good" things to help me down the path toward righteousness. I try really hard but the Proverbs 31 woman I aint. I'm not up before the sun, my children are not clothed in fine linens, and I’ve not considered a field to buy. I've considered a doughnut and bought it, but not a field. But still I try, I have constant dialog with God throughout the day asking him to help me make good decisions and asking for his spirit to fill me so that I can be a shining example of his wonderful love.
I seems to me that the more steps I take down the right path I feel like garbage. I feel unworthy and selfish and all kinds of unholy things. I get confused because I know I'm headed where he is leading but every time I take a few confident steps forward I get clotheslined by life issues and end up down in the dumps. While I'm down there I think all kinds of things about what a bad person I am, what a worm am I. When I am feeling wormy, it helps me to look at who I truly am, what my motives really are. Are they for His glory or my glory? Is there anything in me that needs to be dealt with, anything that others don't see...even Larry? Things just I know about myself.
I pray one day to see God in all of His glory with his angels. I know this is a promise that he has given to me and whether I make the grade or not, it will happen. But what is keeping me from seeing God now? Maybe the desire I feel to be so close to him is hindered by my innermost thoughts and motives. Maybe the ones I don't even know exist.
I guess that is why the Psalmist wrote, search me God and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any wickedness in me and lead me in your Everlasting Way.
So I'm confident I have been shown the Everlasting Way. I'm heading in the right direction. The clothesline times are God trying me, and making me take time to examine my heart and motives. Now I pray that you show yourself to me and that through me, your Glory may be revealed!
Just a writers note...Matt is screaming in the background and Eli is pelting me with endless questions. One day I will miss this.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Little Powdered Doughnuts
3:09 AM......normally I would be so frustrated if I were awake at 3:09 am, but not this evening. I'm kinda excited because I have been really busy during the days and I have no time or focus to write anything on my blog. So here I am, didn't waste any time lying in bed trying to get back to sleep just jumped up to write.
So how is Barbra? Well I couldn't help but feel totally blessed after an amazing week. Larry and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary! I have been thinking about that day for 15 years. After my wedding I decided everything was a total disaster and I would have another wedding and renew my vows on my 15th anniversary. There were so many mishaps my wedding day like, giant Tupperware ladles use to serve food out of my fancy, rented, sliver chaffing dishes and the flowers were all wrong, and my videographer ran out of battery right at the beginning of our kiss and didn't get us walking up the isle or any of the reception. Maybe not getting the reception wasn't such a bad thing because I have horrid memories of one invited couple making out the whole time and karaoke to Bohemian Rhapsody, I thought that would be a fun idea at the time to get all of my bridesmaids and sing to that song....not my best idea, I think the song is over 10 mins and we lost momentum about the 2nd verse. Oh well, I was pretty upset for a long time about my wedding. I think mostly because, as a 19 year old planning a wedding all by myself, I really trusted a lot of people to come through for me and I think many professionals at my wedding dropped the ball. I can say "oh well" now but it took me a while to get to that point. For the first few years I would cry anytime I saw a flower arrangement that looked like what I wanted, or I would stew over the fact that there was very little excitement at my wedding. I think most people there thought we were idiots. Some said that very plain to us before hand and the others didn't need to say because you could see it in their faces. I can't say that I didn't get any help though. My sister was amazing running all over for me and cooking with me until 3am before my wedding day. And Larry’s family was very sweet to stay behind after everything was over and clean up the mess, A detail I forgot to plan..oops. My wedding wasn't perfect but now I don't look back so much on the mistakes as I do on the sweet people, some of whom are gone, who were there for me and excited for us!
So we didn't have a big do over wedding but we did have a really nice get away, just us. And we got back just in time for a great mother’s day, I hate mother day but that is another long story. This mother’s day was really special. I think some of it had to do with not going to church on Sunday and having to listen to an “every woman who has given birth deserves a pat on the back today, even if they are a crappy Mom” sermon.” Have you sat through those? Maybe it is just me. I did get treated to breakfast in bed and I got a really great coffee mug that says " I surpatheth all woman in specialness." Wow! Good for me! The best gift though, the one that made me cry, was the package of little powdered doughnuts in the cup.
Oh how I LOVE little powdered doughnuts. They are my all-time comfort food. When I’m
feeling really discouraged about relationships or lack of weight loss, I turn to my sweet comforter, a bag of soft, sweet, crumbly, little powdered doughnuts...sigh. Just thinking about them gives me comfort. So what is the deal with these little diet killers.
I think this is it: I don't have many memories from my childhood but I vividly remember staying a couple times, overnight, with my mother’s mom and dad. I really have no memories of grandma on the overnights, just grandpa, I will focus on one. We took a trip, grandpa and I, to Cub Foods to pick up a couple things for the weekend. I remember walking with my grandpa down the big isles, hand in hand, looking for a special treat just for me. He said I could have anything I wanted for a treat. I was only about seven or eight but I can remember being a little stressed out about what to choose. I didn't want to seem too greedy and I also wanted him to be impressed my decision so I made my mind up, a can of crushed pineapple. That was what I wanted for my treat. I remember him looking down at me skeptical, "Are you sure this is what you want?" “Oh yes, it is my favorite.” So he grabbed a can of crushed pineapple and we headed toward the checkout. I remember being so please with my choice, “Good for you Barbra, your grandpa will think you are so sensible." We approached the checkout, all of the items in a small basket, and we waited in line for our turn. The checkout lane was lined with all kinds of candy bars and bubblegum, I don't remember noticing that as much as the endless supply of clear bags, filled with powdered doughnuts, stacked on top of one another, in front of the checkout. I don't know if grandpa noticed me, noticing them, but he offered one last time. “Barbra you can have the pineapple. But why don't you get yourself a real treat.” I remember eagerly snatching up one of those bags, “May I have this?” He just shook his head yes and we continued through the checkout and on our way back to their lovely home on the Southside of Indy.
I don't remember eating those doughnuts. I just remember how special it was that he wanted to buy them for me. I think that is why when I am in wallowing in self-pity I turn to my friend, the one that is there to comfort me, my little powdered doughnuts...
Don't you think I see the huge spiritual flaw here? I will never win my weight battle if that is where I go for comfort. I know there is a comforter that I don't have to pay 2.50 for and that won't leave a ring of sweet, white powder on my lips and down my shirt.
Jesus said that he had to leave so that the comforter could come. Jesus, in his earthly body, did not make himself available to everyone on earth. But when he ascended he sent his spirit to be there for all of us whenever we ask, sometimes even when we don't. Even when it has been such a crappy day…that you find yourself scrounging through the house…looking for enough change… to buy a bag of comfort. Maybe his spirit helps you to remember where that loose dollar is or directs you to the sticky, crumb covered quarter underneath your car seat.
Thanks for the memories Grandpa Andrew Truden, I love you so much more than you know.
So how is Barbra? Well I couldn't help but feel totally blessed after an amazing week. Larry and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary! I have been thinking about that day for 15 years. After my wedding I decided everything was a total disaster and I would have another wedding and renew my vows on my 15th anniversary. There were so many mishaps my wedding day like, giant Tupperware ladles use to serve food out of my fancy, rented, sliver chaffing dishes and the flowers were all wrong, and my videographer ran out of battery right at the beginning of our kiss and didn't get us walking up the isle or any of the reception. Maybe not getting the reception wasn't such a bad thing because I have horrid memories of one invited couple making out the whole time and karaoke to Bohemian Rhapsody, I thought that would be a fun idea at the time to get all of my bridesmaids and sing to that song....not my best idea, I think the song is over 10 mins and we lost momentum about the 2nd verse. Oh well, I was pretty upset for a long time about my wedding. I think mostly because, as a 19 year old planning a wedding all by myself, I really trusted a lot of people to come through for me and I think many professionals at my wedding dropped the ball. I can say "oh well" now but it took me a while to get to that point. For the first few years I would cry anytime I saw a flower arrangement that looked like what I wanted, or I would stew over the fact that there was very little excitement at my wedding. I think most people there thought we were idiots. Some said that very plain to us before hand and the others didn't need to say because you could see it in their faces. I can't say that I didn't get any help though. My sister was amazing running all over for me and cooking with me until 3am before my wedding day. And Larry’s family was very sweet to stay behind after everything was over and clean up the mess, A detail I forgot to plan..oops. My wedding wasn't perfect but now I don't look back so much on the mistakes as I do on the sweet people, some of whom are gone, who were there for me and excited for us!
So we didn't have a big do over wedding but we did have a really nice get away, just us. And we got back just in time for a great mother’s day, I hate mother day but that is another long story. This mother’s day was really special. I think some of it had to do with not going to church on Sunday and having to listen to an “every woman who has given birth deserves a pat on the back today, even if they are a crappy Mom” sermon.” Have you sat through those? Maybe it is just me. I did get treated to breakfast in bed and I got a really great coffee mug that says " I surpatheth all woman in specialness." Wow! Good for me! The best gift though, the one that made me cry, was the package of little powdered doughnuts in the cup.
Oh how I LOVE little powdered doughnuts. They are my all-time comfort food. When I’m
feeling really discouraged about relationships or lack of weight loss, I turn to my sweet comforter, a bag of soft, sweet, crumbly, little powdered doughnuts...sigh. Just thinking about them gives me comfort. So what is the deal with these little diet killers.
I think this is it: I don't have many memories from my childhood but I vividly remember staying a couple times, overnight, with my mother’s mom and dad. I really have no memories of grandma on the overnights, just grandpa, I will focus on one. We took a trip, grandpa and I, to Cub Foods to pick up a couple things for the weekend. I remember walking with my grandpa down the big isles, hand in hand, looking for a special treat just for me. He said I could have anything I wanted for a treat. I was only about seven or eight but I can remember being a little stressed out about what to choose. I didn't want to seem too greedy and I also wanted him to be impressed my decision so I made my mind up, a can of crushed pineapple. That was what I wanted for my treat. I remember him looking down at me skeptical, "Are you sure this is what you want?" “Oh yes, it is my favorite.” So he grabbed a can of crushed pineapple and we headed toward the checkout. I remember being so please with my choice, “Good for you Barbra, your grandpa will think you are so sensible." We approached the checkout, all of the items in a small basket, and we waited in line for our turn. The checkout lane was lined with all kinds of candy bars and bubblegum, I don't remember noticing that as much as the endless supply of clear bags, filled with powdered doughnuts, stacked on top of one another, in front of the checkout. I don't know if grandpa noticed me, noticing them, but he offered one last time. “Barbra you can have the pineapple. But why don't you get yourself a real treat.” I remember eagerly snatching up one of those bags, “May I have this?” He just shook his head yes and we continued through the checkout and on our way back to their lovely home on the Southside of Indy.
I don't remember eating those doughnuts. I just remember how special it was that he wanted to buy them for me. I think that is why when I am in wallowing in self-pity I turn to my friend, the one that is there to comfort me, my little powdered doughnuts...
Don't you think I see the huge spiritual flaw here? I will never win my weight battle if that is where I go for comfort. I know there is a comforter that I don't have to pay 2.50 for and that won't leave a ring of sweet, white powder on my lips and down my shirt.
Jesus said that he had to leave so that the comforter could come. Jesus, in his earthly body, did not make himself available to everyone on earth. But when he ascended he sent his spirit to be there for all of us whenever we ask, sometimes even when we don't. Even when it has been such a crappy day…that you find yourself scrounging through the house…looking for enough change… to buy a bag of comfort. Maybe his spirit helps you to remember where that loose dollar is or directs you to the sticky, crumb covered quarter underneath your car seat.
Thanks for the memories Grandpa Andrew Truden, I love you so much more than you know.
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