Showers of Blessing...

Showers of Blessing, showers of blessing we need...

Here we are at the end of June and it is hot and dry outside.  Sure is a contrast to the soupy summer we had last year.  The one that made me a magnet for turtles.  No turtles this year, just bunnies and birds.  I'll take bunnies and birds :)

The Rices have been showered with blessings the last few months.  At this moment I feel happy, at peace and filled with the joy and love of our Heavenly Father.  I give all glory and praise to YHWH  and His direction for my current state of mind.  Certain "crisis" in our lives have gone away.  So, instead of pleading and questioning Him, my prayers are filled with thanksgiving and different kinds of requests.  Requests to help me feel closer to him.

The Sabbath Fellowship I attend will soon be 2 years old.  The last two years have certainly had their ups and downs.  While the ups are great, the downs really suck and I have longed for stability within our group.   Right now, we have that stability.  Again, I give all of the glory to Him!

Our group isn't big.  It is a small group of  hungry believers that want to be together and discuss scripture.   I love listening to the discussion and always feel blessed after fellowship but... there is something missing.  Several people in our group, including me, have mention how nice it would be to have music.  We tried music in the past but it seems forced and unnatural.  For this reason, we put music on the back burner until someone able would step up and bless us with music.

So, for the last 2 years, I have been starving for song.  I love singing, it fills my heart with so much joy!  I can listen to the same song over and over and still feel blessed.

Sooo, with all of this said, I prayed to sing a couple weeks ago.  I prayed that The Father would give me an opportunity to praise him in song.  I don't ask  this because I need accolades.  I ask him because I want to feel his spirit, and the easiest way for me, is to sing in front of people.  I'm not an exceptional singer.  I can carry a tune and sound decent within a certain range.  When I practice singing songs that I will share with others, I always sound bad.  My voice cracks, there is no power behind my breath.   But when the time comes, when all eyes are on me and I am scared to death, the Spirit fills me and His breath stirs deep in my belly and shoots out of my mouth with sound, a pretty sound.  In that moment I shock myself, and often the person that has helped me practice.  The once crackly, breathy voice turns into a lovely sound.  That is when I feel closest to Him.   I know it isn't me.  I don't have the ability or strength.  But, I know who can give me the strength. I rely on Him to use this instrument He created as a vessel for His glory.

So back to my drawn out story...

A couple weeks ago I prayed to sing.  Guess what happened yesterday?  A musician friend sent me a text that said, "Are you ready to sing Gratitude?'  What!  I had forgotten about that song.  I sent it to her last year around Thanksgiving, thinking it would be appropriate for that time of year.  She is coming to our Sabbath Fellowship this weekend and has been practicing the piano part to the song.

I feel so blessed!! I love that song!!

Let me share it with you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PEzM-4VXdg


I want you to know that Indiana is in a drought.  We have been for weeks.  How much more appropriate is this song now then when I sent it to my friend at Thanksgiving?  Thank you Father, you know best!  I love you!

One of those nights.

Ugh, it is one of those nights.  Everyone is sleeping and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Well, I suppose that is an exaggeration, but man I'm upset.   Or maybe more accurately, confused.  I really struggle with my worth as a human being.  I have unmerited pride.  I think I can offer so much....but the father hasn't given me the opportunity.

To many, I have very little value.  To most, I don't even exist.  But to four beautiful, smart, loving, sharing, kind thoughtful, children ...... I am their world.  I am the best.  I couldn't be more lovely to them.  I couldn't be smarter or more accomplished.  They don't care that I have no degree.  They aren't embarrassed that I talk to myself.   At this moment, they sleep in peace knowing they are loved.

I'll admit that I have gone to bed many nights, not knowing love.  Not being able to trust.  Not knowing what tomorrow will bring or who it will bring.

My sincere prayer is that The Father will help me get past all of the hurt and broken promises by friends, church members and family.  That he will lift this burden of betrayal that paralyzes me.   And that I might be able to, with vigor and stamina, spend the rest of my days showing my amazing children that they are loved.

I want to be the mother that encourages and doesn't tear down.  I want to be the one that supports their grown up choices.  I want to encourage them to love their spouses.  And when they have days when they doubt their worth, when a loved one has hurt them, I want them to know that they can talk to me.

YHWH, help me to see their worth.

A Tulip of Tears

Hello stranger!  I've missed you.  I didn't think I wanted to continue with this blog.  Well, I've had so many thoughts recently and it seems like a waste to not write them out.  Here is a story I want to remember forever:

It sure has been beautiful  these last couple of weeks.  The temperature has been at least 60 degrees.  Today is a toasty 80 degrees.  I even hung some clothes on the line to dry!  I haven't talked to Larry yet but I know he will be grouchy.  He hates the heat.  On top of that, I have all kinds of "good" news to share with him...he will be thrilled.

Anyway, about two weeks ago my children spent the entire day outside in this lovely weather.  I know they should have been doing schoolwork, but how could I make them?  I watched them swing a little on the playset,  dribble the basketball  for a few minutes.  After sampling the toys and activities neglected during the winter,  they ended up spending the remainder of their time under the tree in our front yard "making food."  Mud pies and weed salad were on the menu.  It was a good day, everyone seemed happy and at ease.

Eventually the children came in, we had dinner, watched some TV and cleaned up for bedtime.  Larry brought his work home with him, as he does many nights.  Usually, he gets his documenting for done before the children's bedtime, but this was one of his catch up nights.  It was 9pm and he was sitting in bed with his work computer;  He asked me to "tuck" the kids into bed and pray with them.  Larry has been the one to put them to bed since birth.  It is a very important time for him and, I'm sure, for them too.

So I did the rounds, Lily and Eli upstairs, Mati on the living room couch, then I peek my head into Wynnie's room.  She was crying.  This really took me by surprise, we had such a lovely, easy going day.  Wynnie is always my smiley, positive child.   "Wynnie, what's wrong," I asked.  "Mommy, I'm sorry.  I hid it."   "What are you talking about Wynnie?"  "You know, those round things on the stairs outside.  I thought you were going to throw them away so I peeled them for my salad.  Eli told me that you wanted it,  I got scared that you would be mad at me, so I hid it.  I buried in the back yard by the fence." She cried and whimpered as she explained the situation to me.  I just looked at her confused.  "Wynnie, do you mean the tulip bulbs that Robin got me?  I was just going to plant them anyway.  The only thing you need to feel bad about is trying to hide something from me.  Now, ask Yeshua to forgive you.  Thank you for telling me."  "Ok, mommy," she said in her , ready to please, manner.

I guess you never know what kinds of things people are struggling with on the inside, even your own children. I suppose we need to remember all of our brothers and sisters in prayer, even if they act like everything is ok. Maybe our prayers will soften their hearts enough that they can confess their sin and find peace.

I still haven't got around to planting the other tulip bulbs.  But I know one was planted and I will remember Wynnies repentant spirit every time it blooms.  I pray she remembers too.

The sacrifices of YHWH are a broken spirit and contrite heart.

Farewell 34?

I had so much to say.  A big dramatic finish to my journey.  I guess I had too much to say.  I cannot sum it all up in one post.

Am I where I wanted to be after a year?   No
Am I a better person than I was then?  I don't know
Am I a better mother a year later?  Possibly
Do I love Yeshua more?  Maybe
Do I call on him in my heartbreak first?  Often
Am I confused as ever?  Yes
Am I going to quit trying to be better?  Never
Am I going to continue this blog?

I'm a Hanukkah baby

It is 5:30am on December 25th.  My children are nestled all snug in their beds.  We had a nice evening last night as a family.  We wrestled and laughed and snuggled.  My Wynnie and Mati are easy enough to snuggle.  When Mati gets tired and we are watching TV, he will come to me when he is ready to go to sleep.  I don't rock him or anything, just hold him and soon enough he is sleeping.  My Wynnie is a tiny peanut that is starting to become a big girl.  She can tell when I am happy or sad and she will come to me for extra loving.  She has always been really easy going and eager to make me happy.  I can't get over how big my Lily is.  I want to snuggle with her but sometimes I feel strange because she looks and feels like a grown woman.  She often gets the brunt of my "wrath" and when I'm done with my fits she will come up and give me a hug from behind or a pat on the back.  The hugs I get from Lily are few but they sure are nice.  It has been nice to have her home from school this week.  I didn't realize how much I miss her when she is at school.  Eli doesn't initiate lots of hugs but he always accepts the ones I give.  He isn't bigger than me yet and he still has a smooth face so I need to get all the hugs and kisses in before the stubble appears. 

So, last night as we celebrated the end of a joyful Sabbath, it occurred to me.   When I was born, I was brought home in a little red sleeper dress that had a Christmas tree in the corner.  I've been told my whole life "you are a Christmas baby."  There really was no benefit to growing up a Christmas baby.  My birthday was often forgotten and my presents were often leftovers.  For a few years,  my family accually stopped celebrating my birthday on the real date and would pick some random date, usually in the summer, to celebrate my "unbirthday."  Sounds fun but it was a reminder to me that things were just to busy around my real birthday to do anything.  Things haven't changed much as an adult.  Most everyone has spent their money by the time it is my birthday so I can't expect much.  Larry always has been generous and I have a couple friends that always get me nice gifts.  Larry's stepmom has always been good about giving me thoughtful gifts too.   I guess this last year when we decided that we should not make birthdays such a big deal, it wasn't too hard because they have always been disappointing for me.  

Anyway, I thought it was interesting when I remembered last night that I was brought home in a dress with a Christmas tree on it.  I guess I didn't live up to my parents expectations, as far as, being naturally festive because I was born this time of year.  I think it is interesting that I have spent the last few years trying to avoid all of the Christmas trees I can.  They actually disgust me now. 

Thinking about it, that dress was one of the first labels I received growing up, "Christmas baby."  Some other labels I've had...hmmm...can I remember them all?  Let's give it a try.  Sick child, different, stubborn, mouthy, disobedient, bad student, difficult, codependent, bulimic, demon possessed and mentally ill.   I think back on those labels and I am disgusted.   I'm so thankful, that as an adult, I have broke free from the labels and tried to be the opposite of them. Although if you ask some, I haven't broke free from them all.  I'm thankful that I have had a humble enough heart to have sought YHWH and His Ways.  While I still resemble the child I was  in the past, I have new clothes now!  I've been washed clean from the labels and expectations of the past. 

As an infant in Yeshua, He clothed me, not with the rags of this world, but with a robe of righteousness.  He cradled me in His arms and nursed me until I was ready for solid food.  Now, I'm toddling off and trying to make my way in this strange world.  I run into things and fall often.  I even have little temper tantrums.  But he is there to pick me up or calm me down and send me off on my way...No....send me off on His Way. 

Thank you Father for just giving me one label......precious child.

Our family had a lovely time last night celebrating the second night of Hanukkah.  My sweet husband spent a lot of money to buy me a Le Creuset dutch oven.  I have waited for this for almost 10 years.  Every year I drop hints and hope that I get this extravagant gift.  I mentioned to Larry, this year, that this dish would do a better job frying latkes and doughnuts than anything else I have.  It was true, but my latkes are good even in my 30.00 electric skillet.

Later that evening, I shared with Larry that, while I was so excited for the gift, I felt guilty.  I am always whining about lack of funds for this or that.  The fact that I received this gift proves we are not in the dire straights that I think we are.  

Yesterday, I heard an interview on NPR about a man that was in the Japanese Internment camps.  Today, I started the morning watching silent footage of the Jewish Ghetto in Warsaw Poland.  After hearing the stories of people having to pack their life into a couple suitcases, and seeing the starving mothers with their babies, how could I ever complain about the abundance I have.  My children and healthy and well fed, I am well fed and if I am unhealthy it is because I am too well fed.  After watching the footage this morning I walked into my kitchen and looked around at my prized possessions , a lime green mixer, a bright orange dutch oven, all kinds of collectible, brightly colored pottery.  I have an abundance of color in my home, I am not one for neutral tones.  Most of the struggles I have in life is because I don't know how to deal with the abundance of clothing, toys, food, unused stuff and mostly the abundance of choices I have.  The Jews in the Ghetto did not have choice, if they could afford it, they ate horse meat.  If they couldn't, they dug through the dung heap.  The families in the interment camps, here in America, the land of the free, stood in line for terrible food and lived in  horse stalls.

Larry and I have been really considering the idea of giving up "everything" and moving to an intentional  community somewhere.  Isn't it funny that others could look from the outside and think we are ridiculous for letting go of everything we have worked for.  I wonder if the Jews or Japanese, from the WW2 era, would think it was all that awful to walk away from lower-middle class life-style to live in a mansion with a few other families.  

I don't know what the next year holds for me and my family.  I did mention to Larry last night how ironic it would be to wait all of these years for an expensive dish, just to choose to give it away a few months later.  While, I can get hung up on worldly activities and things, the older I get, the more they do not fill the void.  At this time in my life I don't know if I could live my life trying to pursue a bigger house, more land, nicer stuff, exciting activities.  I don't think I could do it in good conscience ;  what a waste of time, money and resources. My husband made a point recently that everyone in America is the rich young ruler.  Even our poorest have so much available to them.  Could we walk away from our hopes and dreams to follow Yeshua?  I would say that 99% can fit him in to our current lifestyle pretty well with no sacrifice.  Will you hold up when the cares of this world choke you, will you be able to navigate the obstacles in the way of the narrow gate?  Will I?  Only time will tell.  Time that is going by terribly fast. 

For: Les Mis Fans

Who am I? Who am I?  I'm...I'm....I'm nearly 35 years into this journey and every time I think I know who I am, It is time to reevaluate.   Hmm, let's see:  I'm a wife, a mother, a friend, an enemy.  I'm a servant, a ruler, a creator, a destroyer.  I'm a joker,  I'm a smoker,  I'm a midnight toker.   Ok, enough of that.  I'm not really a smoker and I don't know what midnight toking is, unless that is what you might call my late night ramblings on blogger.  One thing I know is that I am a lover of music. 

Music has been a huge part of my life since I could remember.  I can take about any conversation and put it to an oldie, show tune and even a gospel hymn.  I grew up with so much music in my life.  The good stuff came from a record or cassette tape.  I heard very little live music as a child, except for hymns at church or concerts in the park. 

The one event that will stay with me forever is my 8th grade trip to Chicago to see Les Miserable.  Our choir teacher introduced us to the music.  Looking back, and recognizing that I have an almost 8th grader, I can't believe they let us go.  The language and subject matter was nowhere near appropriate for the 8th grade.  I still cringe at some of the subject matter that I would have heard.  But the music was beautiful and I guess that as long as the vulgarity is put to an amazing score than it isn't offensive anymore, right? 

I have been a singer since I was a little girl and, that year, I was recognized for a Jr Achievement honor.   I prepared, I Dreamed a Dream, to sing at the banquet but I was unable to go; issues with my parents’ divorce.  At the time I learned that song, I felt Fantine was living my life.  My middle school years we terrible and I would sing about dreaming that my life "was different from the hell that I was living."  It seems dramatic, but that life was hell.  

In contrast, I look at the life I have now and it is heaven.  All of the love I longed for as a preteen was filled, with a choice to be a disciple of Yeshua, when I was 15.  My high school and early twenties still had me stumbling through hell a little.  But now, the love I have is unreal.  I know I am loved by my Heavenly Father.  He lavishes me with love constantly.  The blessing he has poured out, on this once very lost little girl, is unimaginable.  Sometimes I wonder if life could really be this good.  Did the Almighty love me so much to give me a handsome, hardworking, smart, loving husband?  And on top of that, he loves me so much he gave me 4 beautiful, perfect, obedient, loving, caring thoughtful, smart, funny children!  


My soul belongs to God I know, I made that bargain long ago...

Who am I?  I am Barbra, wife, mother, friend, enemy.....child of Yeshua. 

Written back in October.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPIos2mXbUE

The roller coaster that is life never ceases to amaze me.  I can go from blessings to heart ache faster than a fast car can go from 0 to 60MPH.  My house can go from company clean and organized to "where in the world am I going to put all of this crap?"  In an afternoon.  It is a wonder to me how things can come together and fall apart at the same time.  One thing for me that has been really hard to learn is that sometimes all that you have been working for needs to be destroyed to make way for the new.  Unfortunately,  you get all of this mess to deal with in the interim.  I have always had dreams of my hopes and plans building on top of each other. Like a Tetris game, every block fitting together.  I've always hoped that my past relationships would mesh perfectly with my current relationships.  I always imagined that my past experiences would complement perfectly my current situation, if not what was the point?

I suppose my thoughts go to the city of Jerusalem.  I've never been, but I hear it is beautiful.  I guess that if I did visit, the beauty wouldn't necessarily be the buildings and people that crowd the streets there presently. It would be  the ideal of what use to be there or the hope of what is to come.  If you think about it, the "nice" buildings that are there are not Biblical. They belong to the Catholics or the Muslims.  Davids and Jesus' Jerusalem lies in ruin beneath the pagan beauty that has been built upon it.  In the cities current state, would David see beauty there?  Would Jesus?


So many of us have a love for Jerusalem, and this should be.  The Bible says that those who love and support Israel will prosper.  We are to pray for peace there to speed Yeshua's coming.  But, are we so hung up on what is currently there that we would be devastated at the thought of it being destroyed.  Personally, in my own life, am I so in love with my current hopes and dreams that I would be devastated to see them destroyed?  Yes, I am.  It is a hard lesson to learn over and over.  To give your life and to work so hard toward a goal only to see it crumble before your eyes.

Is it really crumbling though?


So while I see some of my plans crumble, something that seems to happen frequently with me,  I also see things being built up.  It is confusing to be in the middle of this; yet it gives me hope.  This is a reoccurring lesson in my life that I see repeated over and over.  I'll often look at others and wonder why they are not constantly "starting over."   I resent this often because, since I was 12 years old,  I have longed for stability.  I have yet to find it in so many ways.  But in other ways, I have more than most.  Larry and I have been together for 19 years and YHWH has been with me always.  So there is my stability.  If anything would ever happen to Larry, I will always have my Father Yeshua.  And I look forward to reigning with Him in His beautifully restored city, Jerusalem!

Those who sow in tears; will reap in songs of joy!

You can't have it all...or can you?

There are so many things in this life I desire, extra money, clear skin, tons of energy, a spotless house, children that can teach themselves school, uncomplicated relationships.  Alas, it may never happen.  I may be forever stuck with the skin of a 13 year old.  I may never have a house that is always company clean. 

Sometimes I think I can sense when I will have unexpected visitors; like the other day.  The house wasn't in terrible shape and about a half an hour of focused cleaning would have had it in great shape...but I didn't have the energy to clean up that morning.  Instead I putzed around with my coffee, sorted through clothes and pushed aside dirty dishes.  I did manage to get the front room swept and straightened.  As a pastors wife, I always expect that I could get a visitor.  and I want to have a least one clean space to receive any unexpected guest.  I look to the example of pastors wives I have had in my adult years.  I could aways drop in on them and they would be available with an inviting house, a coke and an open afternoon.  Years ago I remember telling Larry that I wanted to be that woman.  I haven't managed to get there.  It seems like when I have unexpected guests, my house is a mess and I have no food in the house to offer them.  That is always embarrassing for me.  I don't know why.  I don't expect others, except past pastors wives, to have a clean home.  Actually, I feel really happy when they don't because I don't feel like the only mommy with a messy house.  Sometimes I'm flattered that they feel close enough to me to let me in when the house isn't quite perfect.  

Back to the other morning....I had my front room clean just in case.  I had let my children take a break from their school work and sent them outside on an amazing day.  I took advantage of the time alone and sat in my clean living room with a cup of coffee.  Half way through the cup my older son comes in and tells me that there is someone at the back door.  I'm thinking it is the UPS man.  When I got to the back door, there stood a little old lady with big sunglasses.  She was from our last church and her name slipped my mind.  She asked,  "you don't have time for me to visit, do you?"   I'm thinking...SHE WENT TO THE WRONG DOOR!   Now if I invite her in, she will have to climb a huge pile of laundry and pass the nasty dishes in the sink.  I'm also wondering if I have brushed my teeth.  I know my hair isn't combed, thank God for my covering.  

Oh well, I push my pride and laundry aside and help this fragile woman up my flimsy stairs.  I directed her into the clean living room and I was happy to be able to offer her a cup of coffee.  She admired my rocking chair and told me how beautiful my children were.  She told me how much she and her husband missed us and how the other church just wasn't the same.  Then she shared some of herself with me; things she likes to collect and even past hurts.  About an hour went by and she didn' t want to keep me any longer.  I walked her back out through the nasty kitchen, that could have been cleaned if I hadn't wasted time, through the pile of clothes and back down those flimsy steps.  We chatted a little more by her car and we said goodbye. 

You know, that woman didn't care that I only have 60.00 in the bank until Larry's next pay.  She wasn't disgusted by my pubescent skin.   She complemented me on my smart beautiful children, and she even said I had a nice home.  I know she appreciated that I took time just to sit and talk with her.....who needs energy when you have time to talk with a friend, a rocking chair and a cup of coffee.

Follow in His Ways and He will give you the desires of you heart.

Thoughts about The Gathering Place, an organic faith community.

A walk down the produce isle in the grocery store always gets me excited!  I love looking at the beautiful fresh fruits and veggies .  When I have extra money, I will snatch up lovely bunches of veggies, herbs and exotic fruit.  My children's faces will light up when the gentle mist of water showers the food.  I feel so healthy in that isle, I find my self with hopes of this dish, or that, containing the fresh  items, so I grab up my selection; just to toss them out rotten 3 weeks later.

Increasingly there seems to be a small section in most stores for organic produce, produce that hasn't been exposed to the pesticides and waxing and whatever.  That area is never as impressive as the many rows of sparkling, shining, produces that engulfs it.  The fruit, much of the time, is smaller.  Many times it is bruised and doesn't shine like the others;  and on top of that,  it is most often much more expensive.   Why would anyone pick up a piece of fruit from this small, unimpressive area of the produce isle?  

I would say that most people would not choose from that section. The organic section isn't in the obvious area and there is nothing there that catches your eye.  For that reason,  it is largely overlooked. The people that "buy into" the organic stuff are the curious or the informed.  

I see our little group in this light.  We are not the biggest or fanciest, some of us are bruised and we pay a great price to be able to gather together on His Sabbath.  The fact is, any Tom, Dick or Harry that is looking for a "church" is not going to choose us as the obviouse choice.  The people attracted to us are the curious or informed, the ones that know the harm caused by the toxins of bad Biblical interpretations and theologies that have been pumped into the majority of churches that line the streets of our communities.

Often, even the informed will not choose us.  We are too expensive, we don't fit their lifestyle budget.  It cost too much to turn down the invites of social and family get togethers.  It seems ok to choose the world for a couple Sabbaths.   But a couple Sabbaths turn into many and pretty soon,  they take the easy way of the mainstream church, a church that will fill their bellies and give the illusion of being healthy but really, it will cause a cancer to grow in them that is very hard to cure.

So my challenge is this,  to seek out the small, "unimpressive," organic fellowship in your area.  You may have to search in the less obvious places to find it; maybe a house or an office building.  You may have to take a long drive past many of those fancy, sparkling churches.  You may have to rearrange your work schedule or disappoint family and friends by turning down social invites with others that are not like minded.

This is the way toward not just staying alive but living abundantly.

I'm owning these grey hairs!!

I'm nearly 35.  I have four children that are not babies anymore.  I've been married for over 15 years.  I have three grey hairs.  I have a good brain.  I have life experience and some spiritual maturity.  I'm not an idiot or a child. Thank you for my grey...I've earned it! 

Proverbs 16:31

I hate cleaning bedrooms!

So this morning I've decided to blog while supervising a major clean out of the upstairs.  My children have their bedrooms and bathroom up there and I barely go up.  It is all I can do to keep the downstairs somewhat presentable and it just depresses me to head up there, so I avoid it.  I do however, need to go up about once a week or so to make sure it is a healthy and safe environment for my kiddos (I will admit that the environment up there can be questionable.)   So today I've decided will be the big purge, gotta get rid of some stuff to make it easy for them to clean and keep organized.  

It is a couple hours later and really, not a lot has been accomplished.  I did have a bit of a revelation though.  I have no business blogging and not being up there with them because I don't know how to delegate.  I think it is interesting that my husband thinks I'm pretty bossy but I don't have the slightest clue how to oversee projects.  I should be upstairs with Lily telling her how to sort and what to do, but the truth is...I do not know how to start and where to put anything so I end up making her try to figure it out.  Just do it Lily, get it cleaned...this is a mess...how did it get this way?  

As a child I had very little direction.  I remember spending hours in my room "cleaning it."  Really, all I did was shuffle things back and forth.  Great way to spend a summer afternoon :( I didn't know what to do with it the stuff.  It didn't come naturally to me how to organize or prioritize so that I could accomplish anything.  This trait has definitely spilled into my adulthood and I'm afraid it is rubbing off on my children.  

Half way through 34...I still feel like a child, stuck in my room, trying to figure out what to do with the mess that is life.  Honestly, the only way I know how to feel organized is to get rid of stuff.  I don't think that is such a bad trait.  There are so many things I hold onto as an adult, wanting to sort through...thinking it may serve a purpose one day.  Not just material things.  I also have things like memories of past hurt and nasty words that have been said to me.  I guess if I decided I want to hold on to that junk,  then I will have to find a place for it to go in my life.  So, if I choose to keep piling it on the surface, than the useful space underneath will never serve a good purpose. It is that way with my children's room.  If I keep that broken car or the ratty haired doll, it might cover up the pretty space that my children could have to play in. 

Ok, it is 2:35pm.  Larry will be home in 3 hours and I need to get this project done before he gets here.  I guess I need to get up there and give Lily some direction so that she isn't spending hours shuffling junk and so that she can learn some useful tools for the future.  Hopefully, she will be a step ahead of me when she is 34.  I do know though, that when she gets stuck as an adult, I will be there for her.  I'll come in and happily help her sort through stuff, just like I need to be doing now.  

This is my afternoon prayer:  Lord, when the temple was being built, you put your spirit into the workers and gave them supernatural abilities to build and carve and sculpt.  I ask now, that you give me a little bit of that.  I know you are the great architect and that you can give me the direction I lack to get my girls room clean.  Need focus and strength for the next couple hours.  Thank you, your servant...Barbra

Mati Boy

It must be a bad week because this is my 3rd post in just a few days.  Things are rough here so many unknowns.  I wish I could get just a little glimpse of what is to come, well I guess I don't want to know exactly, I just want know that there will be rest and peace soon for our family.  Jesus had nowhere to lay his head, why do I think I need to know when my moat will be filled in or when my realtor will call me back? 

On Sunday, father’s day, My Mati will be 3; such a sweet little guy.  The reason I am awake now is because I heard a little voice from his room that said, "Mommy, I need you."  I went into the room and he said, "kissy, huggy?"  What a sweetie!  What a blessing.

When I found out I was pregnant with him I was terrified.  We had no money and no insurance.  It was my fourth child and I didn’t know how my family would react to the fact that I was pregnant.  Larry and I have always been treated a tad irresponsible for having so many children.   Some friends of ours just had  another miscarriage after trying so many times to have a baby; I felt pretty guilty that it could happen to me by accident.  We kept our little secret for months; you can do that when you have a little chunk on you.  It was well into our fourth month before we started telling people about the baby.  I expected ridicule and everyone was really accepting, more so than when I had Wynnie. 

When I had Gwyneth, my third child, I struggled with a name, especially a boy’s name.  I think the night before we settled on the name Judah.  We were not super sold on it, but it was time to find a name and that would have to do.  I had ruled out Mathias because there was already a Matt in the family and I didn't know if he was done having children.  We almost named Eli, Mathias but obviously didn't.  I’d always wanted an Eli since I was a child.  So after I had Wynnie I took a trip to Cleveland to the family burial plot and the Patriarch of the family’s grave was there, the name on the stone was Mathias.  I was shocked, we all thought it was Matthew.  At that point I was for sure that if I ever had another boy that would be the name!

And so, four years later, I was pregnant.  Things seemed to be falling into place.  I was able to get on Medicare and get the same Dr. I had with Wynnie.  It was great I wasn't treated any differently than when I was insured and used his services.  We told our friends who miscarried first and they were very sweet and gracious, even happy for us.

So I guess it was going to happen and God was making it work.  The baby was coming.  The children knew and Eli told me that he would only be happy if the baby was a boy;  anyone that knows my Eli, knows that it wasn't a threat...just the truth.  Man did that put the pressure on.  So into the fifth month we had an ultra sound to see what the sex would be.  I didn't want to know with the other children but with a small house and 3 others, and Eli's possible depression over a girl, I wanted to be prepared as possible.  This ultra sound was different.  With the others I was there with Larry holding my hand.  With this one, we were all there, and I had tiny people holding my hand.   We were all anxious to know the sex of the baby and, of course, if it was healthy.  The technician looked down and said "I guess you guys are going to be evened out, 3 girls, 3 boys."  Yeah!  Eli won't be in despair and God has blessed us with another son.  Right away we knew that name would be Mathias, Mati for short.

I was getting use to the idea of being pregnant again.  My fears were going away.  It was becoming more obvious to me that this little guy was a blessing, something to celebrate and not another obstacle to deal with.  I became even clearer to me when I picked up a baby name book and saw that Mathias meant ,  given from God.  Could anything be more perfect?  

He was in fact given from God, as all of my children were.  He was given to us at a time of despair, at a time when we had been heavily persecuted for righteousness sake.  The birth of baby Mathias brought pure joy back into the Rice home.  There was no jealousy with my children, just delight. 

He is beautiful and perfect and an incredible joy to my heart daily.  

I thank God for the gift of Mathias Alan Rice.  I thank him for allowing me to do the mommy thing again later in life and for rewarding Larry for his faithfulness, with a perfect son.  

Every good and perfect gift comes from the father of lights above!  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! 

My cup runneth over..so does my moat!

I know this may not last long because the adversary has a way of getting me down; but for this evening, I am singing praises to YHWH for his faithfulness.  We had a great turnout for Sabbath fellowship and that is always encouraging.  All of my children looked so nice in their new clothes, I felt so happy.  We came home, had nachos and watched a movie.  Wynnie snuggled in my arms and Lily lay at the foot of the bed.  Man all I could think of was how pretty my girls are.  They are both beautiful.  Lily is growing into a gorgeous young lady and Wynnie couldn't be prettier. 

Right now, I don't care that I am dirt poor.  I have the most amazing family.  I have a hardworking, loving, handsome, devoted, strong, smart husband.  His only "flaw" is that he can be too nice.  I have smart, funny, healthy, obedient, beautiful children.  I get to stay home and watch them grow. 

We have been given the opportunity to help start a new faith congregation in Syracuse.  We are in a great location, neat building.  We have made friends with the baker and she gives us her leftovers.  Our landlord is great and our rent is cheap.  Wow!  What a blessing.

Like I said I am filled with joy.  A week ago I was in despair.  I sobbed as Everdry of Fort Wayne used a back hoe on my front yard; Digging up all of my hopes and dreams for a pretty yard this summer.   2 years of patch jobs and a 4 month delay to "get it right" caused us to have to take our house off the market.  But God connected us with a lender and now we are going to buy the home we newly renovated. 

It is funny how things turn out.  Last summer was to be the year of parties.  There was to be a house warming, a graduation party, and an ordination service.  None of that came to be; until this year.  Last weekend Larry was honored for his ordination in Michigan at a service he had no idea about.  This year we could have a housewarming but it would seem silly because we have lived in the house for a year, and Larry's graduation party?  Well, he wants to go back to school so maybe we will do it then. 

What God constantly reminds me of is that I am not in control.  I can plan all the parties I want but if what I am celebrating is not in Gods will, I am celebrating in vain.  I can plan how I will sell my house but if a contractor comes and digs up my yard, my plans are toast. 

I guess all that matters is that we keep going even through what seems like hardship.  You know, not many people feel sorry for me, and why should they?  I have a loving family, nice home, Larry is educated with a good job, and everyone is healthy and perfect.  There is nothing to feel sorry for here.  We are blessed....

There is this silly country hymn that I like. The verse says I am drinking from my saucer because my cup has over flowed. 

That is me....drinking from the saucer of abundant life in Yeshua.  I cannot thank or praise Him enough! 

nothing ='s everything

Why does it have to be so hard to be a believer?  Why do I have to have these convictions?  I feel like there are so few of us.  Life would be so much easier if I were like the majority of Christianity. Should I be selfish, looking to my own needs and wants before the needs and wants of my "savior?"  Sometimes I wish I was like one of them again.  I could work whenever I wanted and wear whatever I wanted.  I would still be considered a good believer.  If I left my kids with a sitter, went back to making 50,000 a year, worked nights and weekends, people would think we had everything all together. 

Do you know that 3 years ago someone who was living with a man that was not the father of her child, someone who drinks too much and acts like she is in high school told me she could help me get my life back together!?  Now at that time, I had 4 lovely children;  I had been living in a purchased home for 6 years;  My husband had one masters and was in school for his next.  I'm thinking to myself...What?  Why do I look so pathetic to you?  My husband had lost a job, that was very hurtful time, but he found an equal job pretty much right away.  What would have made me more acceptable?   Should I throw off the scarf I always wear on my head and pick up a cocktail?  Would that be a step in the "right" direction?  Should I send my children to school and focus again on my career, would that do?  Why isn't it ok just to be faithful?  Why does someone that doesn't look worldly come across as mislead and confused.  Why isn't it ok to choose poverty (I use that very loosely, I know I am nowhere near impoverished.) over indulgence? 

I had a non-religious Jew in my home the other day.  We had some really interesting conversation.  This woman had attended a Christian church and liked it very much.  Later in life when she asked her Rabbi why Jesus couldn't be the Messiah his response was this.  "The Messiah would never come as a carpenter."  Well why not?  What is so terrible about a servant king?  Could you imagine if Zacheaus said to Jesus, while he was eating with him,  "Jesus... we need to get your life in order.  I'll teach you how to lie and steal so that you don't have to have so many troubles."  How bazaar would that be?  How absolutely obscured?

Jesus intentionally came down from all of his glory and made himself of no reputation, just for us.  He made himself someone that, shallow and selfish, people would think needed worldly help.  There may have been times, when he was fighting with those arrogant Pharisees it may have occurred to him to get the upper hand in the argument by doing great wonders.  I don't think he resorted to fireworks because it would impress the wrong people.  Jesus didn't want people to follow him because they loved his abilities or his house or clothes or his famous friends.  He wanted people to follow him because they fell in love with his message, his witness, and his purpose.  If he did that with fancy things and spectacles they wouldn't love him for who he was. 

When Jesus came over 2000 years ago, he came as a lover, a peacemaker, a humble and lowly servant.  He set that example for us so that we would know where true happiness comes from.  Not in the pomp and circumstance of the proud, but in the foot washing humility of the servant. 

So I’m back to me and why things are so hard.  Well, things are so hard because as long as I’m living in this sinful world, I will not be able to live up to the world’s sinful standard.   And I guess until I get my glorified body I will struggle with feeling lowly.  I don’t mean to compare myself to Jesus.  He is my example and I am a sorry copy.  With that said, I have made myself nothing by the world’s standard to follow him.  Many days it feels really crappy.  That is why it is so important to fellowship on Sabbath with other believers. 

Make yourself nothing now so that you can have everything later.

Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth.  Matthew 5:5

Synonyms for meek: humble, timid, submissive, gentle, docile, modest, compliant, mild, quiet, lowly, weak, fearful, tame.........Jesus.......Barbra?

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God

Wow!  Can anyone read that line and not feel conviction?  There are so many outward things I do throughout the day.  "Good"  things to help me down the path toward righteousness.  I try really hard but the Proverbs 31 woman I aint.  I'm not up before the sun, my children are not clothed in fine linens, and I’ve not considered a field to buy.  I've considered a doughnut and bought it, but not a field.  But still I try, I have constant dialog with God throughout the day asking him to help me make good decisions and asking for his spirit to fill me so that I can be a shining example of his wonderful love. 

I seems to me that the more steps I take down the right path I feel like garbage.  I feel unworthy and selfish and all kinds of unholy things.  I get confused because I know I'm headed where he is leading but every time I take a few confident steps forward I get clotheslined by life issues and end up down in the dumps.  While I'm down there I think all kinds of things about what a bad person I am, what a worm am I.  When I am feeling wormy, it helps me to look at who I truly am, what my motives really are.  Are they for His glory or my glory?  Is there anything in me that needs to be dealt with, anything that others don't see...even Larry?  Things just I know about myself. 

I pray one day to see God in all of His glory with his angels.  I know this is a promise that he has given to me and whether I make the grade or not, it will happen.  But what is keeping me from seeing God now?  Maybe the desire I feel to be so close to him is hindered by my innermost thoughts and motives.  Maybe the ones I don't even know exist. 

I guess that is why the Psalmist wrote, search me God and know my heart.  Try me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there be any wickedness in me and lead me in your Everlasting Way. 

So I'm confident I have been shown the Everlasting Way.  I'm heading in the right direction.  The clothesline times are God trying me, and making me take time to examine my heart and motives.  Now I pray that you show yourself to me and that through me, your Glory may be revealed!

 Just a writers note...Matt is screaming in the background and Eli is pelting me with endless questions.  One day I will miss this.

Little Powdered Doughnuts

3:09 AM......normally I would be so frustrated if I were awake at 3:09 am, but not this evening.  I'm kinda excited because I have been really busy during the days and I have no time or focus to write anything on my blog.  So here I am, didn't waste any time lying in bed trying to get back to sleep just jumped up to write. 

So how is Barbra?  Well I couldn't help but feel totally blessed after an amazing week.  Larry and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary!  I have been thinking about that day for 15 years.  After my wedding I decided everything was a total disaster and I would have another wedding and renew my vows on my 15th anniversary.  There were so many mishaps my wedding day like, giant Tupperware ladles use to serve food out of my fancy, rented, sliver chaffing dishes and the flowers were all wrong, and my videographer ran out of battery right at the beginning of our kiss and didn't get us walking up the isle or any of the reception.  Maybe not getting the reception wasn't such a bad thing because I have horrid memories of one invited couple making out the whole time and karaoke to Bohemian Rhapsody, I thought that would be a fun idea at the time to get all of my bridesmaids and sing to that song....not my best idea, I think the song is over 10 mins and we lost momentum about the 2nd verse.  Oh well, I was pretty upset for a long time about my wedding.  I think mostly because, as a 19 year old planning a wedding all by myself, I really trusted a lot of people to come through for me and I think many professionals at my wedding dropped the ball.  I can say "oh well" now but it took me a while to get to that point.  For the first few years I would cry anytime I saw a flower arrangement that looked like what I wanted, or I would stew over the fact that there was very little excitement at my wedding.  I think most people there thought we were idiots.  Some said that very plain to us before hand and the others didn't need to say because you could see it in their faces.  I can't say that I didn't get any help though.  My sister was amazing running all over for me and cooking with me until 3am before my wedding day.  And Larry’s family was very sweet to stay behind after everything was over and clean up the mess, A detail I forgot to plan..oops.  My wedding wasn't perfect but now I don't look back so much on the mistakes as I do on the sweet people, some of whom are gone, who were there for me and excited for us!

So we didn't have  a big do over wedding but we did have a really nice get away, just us.  And we got back just in time for a great mother’s day, I hate mother day but that is another long story.  This mother’s day was really special.  I think some of it had to do with not going to church on Sunday and having to listen to an “every woman who has given birth deserves a pat on the back today, even if they are a crappy Mom” sermon.”  Have you sat through those? Maybe it is just me.  I did get treated to breakfast in bed and I got a really great coffee mug that says " I surpatheth all woman in specialness."  Wow!  Good for me! The best gift though, the one that made me cry, was the package of little powdered doughnuts in the cup. 

Oh how I LOVE little powdered doughnuts.  They are my all-time comfort food.  When I’m
feeling really discouraged about relationships or lack of weight loss, I turn to my sweet comforter, a bag of soft, sweet, crumbly, little powdered doughnuts...sigh.  Just thinking about them gives me comfort.  So what is the deal with these little diet killers. 

I think this is it:  I don't have many memories from my childhood but I vividly remember staying a couple times, overnight, with my mother’s mom and dad.  I really have no memories of grandma on the overnights, just grandpa, I will focus on one.  We took a trip, grandpa and I,  to Cub Foods to pick up a couple things for the weekend.  I remember walking with my grandpa down the big isles, hand in hand, looking for a special treat just for me.  He said I could have anything I wanted for a treat.  I was only about seven or eight but I can remember being a little stressed out about what to choose.  I didn't want to seem too greedy and I also wanted him to be impressed my decision so I made my mind up, a can of crushed pineapple.  That was what I wanted for my treat.  I remember him looking down at me skeptical, "Are you sure this is what you want?"  “Oh yes, it is my favorite.”  So he grabbed a can of crushed pineapple and we headed toward the checkout.  I remember being so please with my choice, “Good for you Barbra, your grandpa will think you are so sensible."  We approached the checkout, all of the items in a small basket, and we waited in line for our turn.  The checkout lane was lined with all kinds of candy bars and bubblegum, I don't remember noticing that as much as the endless supply of clear bags, filled with powdered doughnuts, stacked on top of one another, in front of the checkout.  I don't know if grandpa noticed me, noticing them, but he offered one last time.  “Barbra you can have the pineapple.  But why don't you get yourself a real treat.”  I remember eagerly snatching up one of those bags,  “May I have this?”  He just shook his head yes and we continued through the checkout and on our way back to their lovely home on the Southside of Indy. 

I don't remember eating those doughnuts.  I just remember how special it was that he wanted to buy them for me.  I think that is why when I am in wallowing in self-pity I turn to my friend, the one that is there to comfort me, my little powdered doughnuts...

Don't you think I see the huge spiritual flaw here?  I will never win my weight battle if that is where I go for comfort.  I know there is a comforter that I don't have to pay 2.50 for and that won't leave a ring of sweet, white powder on my lips and down my shirt. 

Jesus said that he had to leave so that the comforter could come.  Jesus, in his earthly body, did not make himself available to everyone on earth.  But when he ascended he sent his spirit to be there for all of us whenever we ask, sometimes even when we don't.  Even when it has been such a crappy day…that you find yourself scrounging through the house…looking for enough change… to buy a bag of comfort.  Maybe his spirit helps you to remember where that loose dollar is or directs you to the sticky, crumb covered quarter underneath your car seat. 

Thanks for the memories Grandpa Andrew Truden, I love you so much more than you know.

What were they thinking?

Last night I enjoyed Passover dinner with The Gathering Place, our local Sabbath fellowship.  It was a beautiful night.  Our congregation recently chose to lease a small room at an old bank building with a collection of different businesses. Our room is small but the landlord has been very gracious to let us use the beautiful lobby for our gatherings.  The lobby is set up like a park.  There are big windows so you feel like you are outside.  There are streetlights, park benches and a waterfall fountain.  It really makes for a soothing and comfortable environment.  It is a refreshing change from the dark, formal hall with stained glass windows and pew benches. 

Anyway, about a dozen of us sat around a large table, the sun had set but light still colored the sky.  The florescent overhead lights in the room had been turned off.  But the dimmer streetlamps were still lit.  The waterfall fountain had stopped flowing earlier and the dried tile with the chlorine buildup resembled the stones at the Wailing Wall.  Everyone pitched in to bring something for the meal and Larry made a cd with a collection of Passover appropriate music to be played in the background. 

Larry did a beautiful job officiating the message, meal and foot washing.  Even with newcomers in the group and a new location, things went very smoothly.  After the solemn service was over; no one really jumped right up to go.  Many stayed around the table discussing miscellanies topics.  One question that was raised was this; how could the disciples sit around the table, their last dinner with our savior and debate selfish topics like, which one of the 12 is the greatest? 

When our family, and hopefully when our congregation focuses on Passover, we reflect on the sacrificial Lamb that was slain, our savior Yeshua, the Messiah.  We focus on the suffering and anguish he went through just for us.  We reflect on our sin that lead to his suffering and we are humbled and thankful for his unmatchable gift so that we might live forever.  It is very personal, we know we all are sinners so that leads to a very reverent service.  However in Jesus day; they would have been reflecting on their escape from Egypt 1500 years before.  They were so separated from that experience that they may have been just going through the motions of "celebrating the Passover"  Or maybe they felt it was a more festive occasion.  I know nowadays Jews make the Seder "fun" for the children by hiding matza and throwing frogs around to symbolize the plagues.  Plus even though there was a lot of death involved, the exodus was a marvelous occasion!  It would be appropriate to have more festive activities and less serious talk.  This reminds me of Memorial Day in the United States, a day to honor those fallen for freedom has turned into a drunken debate on who will win the Indy 500. 

Yeshua took the observance to a different level.  He remembered very vividly the events at the original Passover; he grieved for all of his creation that died there.  He knew it was a foreshadow of what he would experience later.  He took the meal very seriously. 

I have heard that the 12 were young men; maybe they did not have much life experience.  I know when I was a zealous young believer I was much more happy go lucky than I am now.  I know I did not take life as seriously because of my immaturity.  I do not claim now to have much more maturity or life experience; but wow, what a difference a year or ten can make.  In the last ten years I have seen people hurt to the deepest parts of their souls.  I have seen the stories that I heard about when I was younger played out before my eyes.  I've seen believers blaspheme YHWH, I've seen pastors that know the truth, spread lies and I've seen fathers and mothers abandon their children.  I've seen woman walk into a hospital pregnant and excited and leave with a tiny coffin.  I've seen lovers love turn to hatred.  I've seen the best laid plans of men; crumble in front of their eyes.  My husband has seen all of this, plus an extra couple people dying every week.  I guarantee I take my faith and my observances much more seriously than I did 10 years ago.  The naivety and innocents is gone.  I know very well this world needs a hope for the future. 

So back to the 12; When they were around that table they may have been thinking shallow thoughts of their ancestors escaping Egyptian slavery.  Boy would they get a wakeup call after seeing everything unfold in the next week.  Although the bickering would continue with some of them, for sure any innocents and naivety would be gone after witnessing the death and then resurrection of their rabbi and best friend.

Treasure in the depths...

Hello, this is my attempt to type my 4th blog in a month; I have four unfinished thoughts waiting in my draft box.  I often think of things I just have to type, then I start a little and the motivation or focus is gone to complete them.  I've noticed that my focus for writing comes from being upset.  So strange, takes me forever to write if I'm not mad about something.  We will see if I get around to publishing this one. 

Today is preparation day for Sabbath.  The last few Sabbaths I have not done the deep cleaning I would normally do, I've been saving that for Sunday morning so the house will be spotless for our showings.  There is no bread to bake because it is the Feast of Unleavened Bread.  I have some store bought matza for the children, my husband and I are low carbing it throughout the season; however, we have made sure we have a little unleavened bread each day.  Today is "Good Friday" so Lily is off school; really I have very little to do today.  That is in huge contrast to all of the running and meetings my husband has planned for today. 

I am certainly at a place of new beginnings.  I can't help but daydream about the plans for the future.  One thing about Larry and me, we have been open to different opportunities for our future.  Many times we will have a few opportunities before us and will be excited about them all, but ultimately, God is the one that narrows down the options and makes things very clear to us.  He has in so many ways, more and more of those testimonies I told you about. 

So here we are; house on the market...but where will we go?  I need a job....but what will I choose.  Our Sabbath fellowship is starting with a blank slate... How will God use us?

I have kept a journal for years and I always have these types of questions.  It is interesting to go back months later and see how it all played out.  Often the thing I ask for now, I am thanking God for redirecting me later.

All of the Psalms are wonderful and wise but here is a good one for my current situation.  Psalm 20:5 A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, But a man of understanding draws it out.

I feel like I have all of these options and opportunities in the depths of the ocean that is my soul.  Will I make the effort to seek YHWH and His understanding so that I can draw out the plans He has set before me?  I suppose the underwater scuba gear I would use to retrieve these treasures from beneath would be prayer, fasting, and reading scripture. 

I started this blog in search of a perfected Barbra.  I'm confident if I make the effort and use the right gear I will receive the perfection I seek.  Maybe not by the time I'm 35 but eventually.  I'm confident in this because I am confident in the God I serve and I trust wholly in His instruction. 

Thank you Master for letting Your Son shine a light into the depths of my soul, so that I might see the sparkle of the treasure hidden deep within and be able to draw it out to be used for Your glory. 


Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

My Ren 6-6-97 to 4-7-2011

My little Chihuahua died this evening.  He was hit by a car in the front of our house.  Larry and I picked him out almost 14 years ago.  It was just before the Taco Bell commercials with the Chihuahua ran.  My Ren was so popular because of those commercials.  He was a devoted and fierce creature.  I doted over him before I had children.  He slept under my armpit at night and we walked every day.  One day I took him on a 9 mile March of Dimes walk.  At the starting line there were police on horseback, he charged those horses.    He was fearless when he thought I was in danger and when he thought he was in danger, he would shake.  His whole body would quiver.  There were just a few people in my life that he would let hold him and relax

It has only been a couple of hours and I miss him, I miss him terribly.  I have such a hole in my heart right now.  I wasn't a very good owner.  He didn't always get fed on time.  After the children came he never got walks.   I just wasn't the type of person that could juggle dog and children.  He never received the same attention after Lily was born; but I think that is ok.  My children are to come first and animals are not to be treated human. 

I told Larry tonight that I think it was appropriate that he died now.  Ren represented a time, in mine and Larry's life, where we had few responsibilities; a time in life when things came really easy. I made reservations today for Larry and me to getaway for our 15th wedding anniversary.  The majority of the first 15 years, things came pretty easy.  Everything came easy; money, relationships, respect, parenting.  The way things are going recently, I think this next 15 is going to be tough; money, relationships, respect.....parenting, sigh.  We no longer have the desire for a puppy; we have become much too practical.  We have to be to keep things going through this barren season and puppies don't fit. 

Ren, I already miss you.  All of our little hearts are aching in you absence.  I don't believe I will see you again but I am thankful for the time I had.  You defined the Rice family for 14 years.  Eli always included you when people asked how many in the family. 

I mentioned the 9 mile walk before, well…Ren completed the March of Dimes walk. .  He walked with his legs moving so quickly the entire way.  He made it through the finish line and when he knew he was done; he collapsed and stayed still for a good 20mins.  That was an unusual amount of time to be still for him.  Nine miles would have to be about 100 in Chihuahua miles.  But he kept up beautifully.

He also kept up beautifully in the hectic race of life that is the Wild Rice Family.  He deserves his much needed rest.

 I'm hurting but I know this is all part of having a happy life.  Dogs come and go.  Thankfully, I do not have to feel the suffering of many others; the suffering of people that lose children, parents, and friends.  I could never imagine the pain they feel.  Thank you God that the pain that seems so big to me is so tiny on the scale of pain you have protected me from.  I love you Jesus, thank you for my life; help me to sleep tonight so that I can prepare for Your Sabbath. 

He gives and takes away.