My cup runneth over..so does my moat!

I know this may not last long because the adversary has a way of getting me down; but for this evening, I am singing praises to YHWH for his faithfulness.  We had a great turnout for Sabbath fellowship and that is always encouraging.  All of my children looked so nice in their new clothes, I felt so happy.  We came home, had nachos and watched a movie.  Wynnie snuggled in my arms and Lily lay at the foot of the bed.  Man all I could think of was how pretty my girls are.  They are both beautiful.  Lily is growing into a gorgeous young lady and Wynnie couldn't be prettier. 

Right now, I don't care that I am dirt poor.  I have the most amazing family.  I have a hardworking, loving, handsome, devoted, strong, smart husband.  His only "flaw" is that he can be too nice.  I have smart, funny, healthy, obedient, beautiful children.  I get to stay home and watch them grow. 

We have been given the opportunity to help start a new faith congregation in Syracuse.  We are in a great location, neat building.  We have made friends with the baker and she gives us her leftovers.  Our landlord is great and our rent is cheap.  Wow!  What a blessing.

Like I said I am filled with joy.  A week ago I was in despair.  I sobbed as Everdry of Fort Wayne used a back hoe on my front yard; Digging up all of my hopes and dreams for a pretty yard this summer.   2 years of patch jobs and a 4 month delay to "get it right" caused us to have to take our house off the market.  But God connected us with a lender and now we are going to buy the home we newly renovated. 

It is funny how things turn out.  Last summer was to be the year of parties.  There was to be a house warming, a graduation party, and an ordination service.  None of that came to be; until this year.  Last weekend Larry was honored for his ordination in Michigan at a service he had no idea about.  This year we could have a housewarming but it would seem silly because we have lived in the house for a year, and Larry's graduation party?  Well, he wants to go back to school so maybe we will do it then. 

What God constantly reminds me of is that I am not in control.  I can plan all the parties I want but if what I am celebrating is not in Gods will, I am celebrating in vain.  I can plan how I will sell my house but if a contractor comes and digs up my yard, my plans are toast. 

I guess all that matters is that we keep going even through what seems like hardship.  You know, not many people feel sorry for me, and why should they?  I have a loving family, nice home, Larry is educated with a good job, and everyone is healthy and perfect.  There is nothing to feel sorry for here.  We are blessed....

There is this silly country hymn that I like. The verse says I am drinking from my saucer because my cup has over flowed. 

That is me....drinking from the saucer of abundant life in Yeshua.  I cannot thank or praise Him enough! 

nothing ='s everything

Why does it have to be so hard to be a believer?  Why do I have to have these convictions?  I feel like there are so few of us.  Life would be so much easier if I were like the majority of Christianity. Should I be selfish, looking to my own needs and wants before the needs and wants of my "savior?"  Sometimes I wish I was like one of them again.  I could work whenever I wanted and wear whatever I wanted.  I would still be considered a good believer.  If I left my kids with a sitter, went back to making 50,000 a year, worked nights and weekends, people would think we had everything all together. 

Do you know that 3 years ago someone who was living with a man that was not the father of her child, someone who drinks too much and acts like she is in high school told me she could help me get my life back together!?  Now at that time, I had 4 lovely children;  I had been living in a purchased home for 6 years;  My husband had one masters and was in school for his next.  I'm thinking to myself...What?  Why do I look so pathetic to you?  My husband had lost a job, that was very hurtful time, but he found an equal job pretty much right away.  What would have made me more acceptable?   Should I throw off the scarf I always wear on my head and pick up a cocktail?  Would that be a step in the "right" direction?  Should I send my children to school and focus again on my career, would that do?  Why isn't it ok just to be faithful?  Why does someone that doesn't look worldly come across as mislead and confused.  Why isn't it ok to choose poverty (I use that very loosely, I know I am nowhere near impoverished.) over indulgence? 

I had a non-religious Jew in my home the other day.  We had some really interesting conversation.  This woman had attended a Christian church and liked it very much.  Later in life when she asked her Rabbi why Jesus couldn't be the Messiah his response was this.  "The Messiah would never come as a carpenter."  Well why not?  What is so terrible about a servant king?  Could you imagine if Zacheaus said to Jesus, while he was eating with him,  "Jesus... we need to get your life in order.  I'll teach you how to lie and steal so that you don't have to have so many troubles."  How bazaar would that be?  How absolutely obscured?

Jesus intentionally came down from all of his glory and made himself of no reputation, just for us.  He made himself someone that, shallow and selfish, people would think needed worldly help.  There may have been times, when he was fighting with those arrogant Pharisees it may have occurred to him to get the upper hand in the argument by doing great wonders.  I don't think he resorted to fireworks because it would impress the wrong people.  Jesus didn't want people to follow him because they loved his abilities or his house or clothes or his famous friends.  He wanted people to follow him because they fell in love with his message, his witness, and his purpose.  If he did that with fancy things and spectacles they wouldn't love him for who he was. 

When Jesus came over 2000 years ago, he came as a lover, a peacemaker, a humble and lowly servant.  He set that example for us so that we would know where true happiness comes from.  Not in the pomp and circumstance of the proud, but in the foot washing humility of the servant. 

So I’m back to me and why things are so hard.  Well, things are so hard because as long as I’m living in this sinful world, I will not be able to live up to the world’s sinful standard.   And I guess until I get my glorified body I will struggle with feeling lowly.  I don’t mean to compare myself to Jesus.  He is my example and I am a sorry copy.  With that said, I have made myself nothing by the world’s standard to follow him.  Many days it feels really crappy.  That is why it is so important to fellowship on Sabbath with other believers. 

Make yourself nothing now so that you can have everything later.

Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth.  Matthew 5:5

Synonyms for meek: humble, timid, submissive, gentle, docile, modest, compliant, mild, quiet, lowly, weak, fearful, tame.........Jesus.......Barbra?

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God

Wow!  Can anyone read that line and not feel conviction?  There are so many outward things I do throughout the day.  "Good"  things to help me down the path toward righteousness.  I try really hard but the Proverbs 31 woman I aint.  I'm not up before the sun, my children are not clothed in fine linens, and I’ve not considered a field to buy.  I've considered a doughnut and bought it, but not a field.  But still I try, I have constant dialog with God throughout the day asking him to help me make good decisions and asking for his spirit to fill me so that I can be a shining example of his wonderful love. 

I seems to me that the more steps I take down the right path I feel like garbage.  I feel unworthy and selfish and all kinds of unholy things.  I get confused because I know I'm headed where he is leading but every time I take a few confident steps forward I get clotheslined by life issues and end up down in the dumps.  While I'm down there I think all kinds of things about what a bad person I am, what a worm am I.  When I am feeling wormy, it helps me to look at who I truly am, what my motives really are.  Are they for His glory or my glory?  Is there anything in me that needs to be dealt with, anything that others don't see...even Larry?  Things just I know about myself. 

I pray one day to see God in all of His glory with his angels.  I know this is a promise that he has given to me and whether I make the grade or not, it will happen.  But what is keeping me from seeing God now?  Maybe the desire I feel to be so close to him is hindered by my innermost thoughts and motives.  Maybe the ones I don't even know exist. 

I guess that is why the Psalmist wrote, search me God and know my heart.  Try me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there be any wickedness in me and lead me in your Everlasting Way. 

So I'm confident I have been shown the Everlasting Way.  I'm heading in the right direction.  The clothesline times are God trying me, and making me take time to examine my heart and motives.  Now I pray that you show yourself to me and that through me, your Glory may be revealed!

 Just a writers note...Matt is screaming in the background and Eli is pelting me with endless questions.  One day I will miss this.

Little Powdered Doughnuts

3:09 AM......normally I would be so frustrated if I were awake at 3:09 am, but not this evening.  I'm kinda excited because I have been really busy during the days and I have no time or focus to write anything on my blog.  So here I am, didn't waste any time lying in bed trying to get back to sleep just jumped up to write. 

So how is Barbra?  Well I couldn't help but feel totally blessed after an amazing week.  Larry and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary!  I have been thinking about that day for 15 years.  After my wedding I decided everything was a total disaster and I would have another wedding and renew my vows on my 15th anniversary.  There were so many mishaps my wedding day like, giant Tupperware ladles use to serve food out of my fancy, rented, sliver chaffing dishes and the flowers were all wrong, and my videographer ran out of battery right at the beginning of our kiss and didn't get us walking up the isle or any of the reception.  Maybe not getting the reception wasn't such a bad thing because I have horrid memories of one invited couple making out the whole time and karaoke to Bohemian Rhapsody, I thought that would be a fun idea at the time to get all of my bridesmaids and sing to that song....not my best idea, I think the song is over 10 mins and we lost momentum about the 2nd verse.  Oh well, I was pretty upset for a long time about my wedding.  I think mostly because, as a 19 year old planning a wedding all by myself, I really trusted a lot of people to come through for me and I think many professionals at my wedding dropped the ball.  I can say "oh well" now but it took me a while to get to that point.  For the first few years I would cry anytime I saw a flower arrangement that looked like what I wanted, or I would stew over the fact that there was very little excitement at my wedding.  I think most people there thought we were idiots.  Some said that very plain to us before hand and the others didn't need to say because you could see it in their faces.  I can't say that I didn't get any help though.  My sister was amazing running all over for me and cooking with me until 3am before my wedding day.  And Larry’s family was very sweet to stay behind after everything was over and clean up the mess, A detail I forgot to plan..oops.  My wedding wasn't perfect but now I don't look back so much on the mistakes as I do on the sweet people, some of whom are gone, who were there for me and excited for us!

So we didn't have  a big do over wedding but we did have a really nice get away, just us.  And we got back just in time for a great mother’s day, I hate mother day but that is another long story.  This mother’s day was really special.  I think some of it had to do with not going to church on Sunday and having to listen to an “every woman who has given birth deserves a pat on the back today, even if they are a crappy Mom” sermon.”  Have you sat through those? Maybe it is just me.  I did get treated to breakfast in bed and I got a really great coffee mug that says " I surpatheth all woman in specialness."  Wow!  Good for me! The best gift though, the one that made me cry, was the package of little powdered doughnuts in the cup. 

Oh how I LOVE little powdered doughnuts.  They are my all-time comfort food.  When I’m
feeling really discouraged about relationships or lack of weight loss, I turn to my sweet comforter, a bag of soft, sweet, crumbly, little powdered doughnuts...sigh.  Just thinking about them gives me comfort.  So what is the deal with these little diet killers. 

I think this is it:  I don't have many memories from my childhood but I vividly remember staying a couple times, overnight, with my mother’s mom and dad.  I really have no memories of grandma on the overnights, just grandpa, I will focus on one.  We took a trip, grandpa and I,  to Cub Foods to pick up a couple things for the weekend.  I remember walking with my grandpa down the big isles, hand in hand, looking for a special treat just for me.  He said I could have anything I wanted for a treat.  I was only about seven or eight but I can remember being a little stressed out about what to choose.  I didn't want to seem too greedy and I also wanted him to be impressed my decision so I made my mind up, a can of crushed pineapple.  That was what I wanted for my treat.  I remember him looking down at me skeptical, "Are you sure this is what you want?"  “Oh yes, it is my favorite.”  So he grabbed a can of crushed pineapple and we headed toward the checkout.  I remember being so please with my choice, “Good for you Barbra, your grandpa will think you are so sensible."  We approached the checkout, all of the items in a small basket, and we waited in line for our turn.  The checkout lane was lined with all kinds of candy bars and bubblegum, I don't remember noticing that as much as the endless supply of clear bags, filled with powdered doughnuts, stacked on top of one another, in front of the checkout.  I don't know if grandpa noticed me, noticing them, but he offered one last time.  “Barbra you can have the pineapple.  But why don't you get yourself a real treat.”  I remember eagerly snatching up one of those bags,  “May I have this?”  He just shook his head yes and we continued through the checkout and on our way back to their lovely home on the Southside of Indy. 

I don't remember eating those doughnuts.  I just remember how special it was that he wanted to buy them for me.  I think that is why when I am in wallowing in self-pity I turn to my friend, the one that is there to comfort me, my little powdered doughnuts...

Don't you think I see the huge spiritual flaw here?  I will never win my weight battle if that is where I go for comfort.  I know there is a comforter that I don't have to pay 2.50 for and that won't leave a ring of sweet, white powder on my lips and down my shirt. 

Jesus said that he had to leave so that the comforter could come.  Jesus, in his earthly body, did not make himself available to everyone on earth.  But when he ascended he sent his spirit to be there for all of us whenever we ask, sometimes even when we don't.  Even when it has been such a crappy day…that you find yourself scrounging through the house…looking for enough change… to buy a bag of comfort.  Maybe his spirit helps you to remember where that loose dollar is or directs you to the sticky, crumb covered quarter underneath your car seat. 

Thanks for the memories Grandpa Andrew Truden, I love you so much more than you know.

What were they thinking?

Last night I enjoyed Passover dinner with The Gathering Place, our local Sabbath fellowship.  It was a beautiful night.  Our congregation recently chose to lease a small room at an old bank building with a collection of different businesses. Our room is small but the landlord has been very gracious to let us use the beautiful lobby for our gatherings.  The lobby is set up like a park.  There are big windows so you feel like you are outside.  There are streetlights, park benches and a waterfall fountain.  It really makes for a soothing and comfortable environment.  It is a refreshing change from the dark, formal hall with stained glass windows and pew benches. 

Anyway, about a dozen of us sat around a large table, the sun had set but light still colored the sky.  The florescent overhead lights in the room had been turned off.  But the dimmer streetlamps were still lit.  The waterfall fountain had stopped flowing earlier and the dried tile with the chlorine buildup resembled the stones at the Wailing Wall.  Everyone pitched in to bring something for the meal and Larry made a cd with a collection of Passover appropriate music to be played in the background. 

Larry did a beautiful job officiating the message, meal and foot washing.  Even with newcomers in the group and a new location, things went very smoothly.  After the solemn service was over; no one really jumped right up to go.  Many stayed around the table discussing miscellanies topics.  One question that was raised was this; how could the disciples sit around the table, their last dinner with our savior and debate selfish topics like, which one of the 12 is the greatest? 

When our family, and hopefully when our congregation focuses on Passover, we reflect on the sacrificial Lamb that was slain, our savior Yeshua, the Messiah.  We focus on the suffering and anguish he went through just for us.  We reflect on our sin that lead to his suffering and we are humbled and thankful for his unmatchable gift so that we might live forever.  It is very personal, we know we all are sinners so that leads to a very reverent service.  However in Jesus day; they would have been reflecting on their escape from Egypt 1500 years before.  They were so separated from that experience that they may have been just going through the motions of "celebrating the Passover"  Or maybe they felt it was a more festive occasion.  I know nowadays Jews make the Seder "fun" for the children by hiding matza and throwing frogs around to symbolize the plagues.  Plus even though there was a lot of death involved, the exodus was a marvelous occasion!  It would be appropriate to have more festive activities and less serious talk.  This reminds me of Memorial Day in the United States, a day to honor those fallen for freedom has turned into a drunken debate on who will win the Indy 500. 

Yeshua took the observance to a different level.  He remembered very vividly the events at the original Passover; he grieved for all of his creation that died there.  He knew it was a foreshadow of what he would experience later.  He took the meal very seriously. 

I have heard that the 12 were young men; maybe they did not have much life experience.  I know when I was a zealous young believer I was much more happy go lucky than I am now.  I know I did not take life as seriously because of my immaturity.  I do not claim now to have much more maturity or life experience; but wow, what a difference a year or ten can make.  In the last ten years I have seen people hurt to the deepest parts of their souls.  I have seen the stories that I heard about when I was younger played out before my eyes.  I've seen believers blaspheme YHWH, I've seen pastors that know the truth, spread lies and I've seen fathers and mothers abandon their children.  I've seen woman walk into a hospital pregnant and excited and leave with a tiny coffin.  I've seen lovers love turn to hatred.  I've seen the best laid plans of men; crumble in front of their eyes.  My husband has seen all of this, plus an extra couple people dying every week.  I guarantee I take my faith and my observances much more seriously than I did 10 years ago.  The naivety and innocents is gone.  I know very well this world needs a hope for the future. 

So back to the 12; When they were around that table they may have been thinking shallow thoughts of their ancestors escaping Egyptian slavery.  Boy would they get a wakeup call after seeing everything unfold in the next week.  Although the bickering would continue with some of them, for sure any innocents and naivety would be gone after witnessing the death and then resurrection of their rabbi and best friend.

Treasure in the depths...

Hello, this is my attempt to type my 4th blog in a month; I have four unfinished thoughts waiting in my draft box.  I often think of things I just have to type, then I start a little and the motivation or focus is gone to complete them.  I've noticed that my focus for writing comes from being upset.  So strange, takes me forever to write if I'm not mad about something.  We will see if I get around to publishing this one. 

Today is preparation day for Sabbath.  The last few Sabbaths I have not done the deep cleaning I would normally do, I've been saving that for Sunday morning so the house will be spotless for our showings.  There is no bread to bake because it is the Feast of Unleavened Bread.  I have some store bought matza for the children, my husband and I are low carbing it throughout the season; however, we have made sure we have a little unleavened bread each day.  Today is "Good Friday" so Lily is off school; really I have very little to do today.  That is in huge contrast to all of the running and meetings my husband has planned for today. 

I am certainly at a place of new beginnings.  I can't help but daydream about the plans for the future.  One thing about Larry and me, we have been open to different opportunities for our future.  Many times we will have a few opportunities before us and will be excited about them all, but ultimately, God is the one that narrows down the options and makes things very clear to us.  He has in so many ways, more and more of those testimonies I told you about. 

So here we are; house on the market...but where will we go?  I need a job....but what will I choose.  Our Sabbath fellowship is starting with a blank slate... How will God use us?

I have kept a journal for years and I always have these types of questions.  It is interesting to go back months later and see how it all played out.  Often the thing I ask for now, I am thanking God for redirecting me later.

All of the Psalms are wonderful and wise but here is a good one for my current situation.  Psalm 20:5 A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, But a man of understanding draws it out.

I feel like I have all of these options and opportunities in the depths of the ocean that is my soul.  Will I make the effort to seek YHWH and His understanding so that I can draw out the plans He has set before me?  I suppose the underwater scuba gear I would use to retrieve these treasures from beneath would be prayer, fasting, and reading scripture. 

I started this blog in search of a perfected Barbra.  I'm confident if I make the effort and use the right gear I will receive the perfection I seek.  Maybe not by the time I'm 35 but eventually.  I'm confident in this because I am confident in the God I serve and I trust wholly in His instruction. 

Thank you Master for letting Your Son shine a light into the depths of my soul, so that I might see the sparkle of the treasure hidden deep within and be able to draw it out to be used for Your glory. 


Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

My Ren 6-6-97 to 4-7-2011

My little Chihuahua died this evening.  He was hit by a car in the front of our house.  Larry and I picked him out almost 14 years ago.  It was just before the Taco Bell commercials with the Chihuahua ran.  My Ren was so popular because of those commercials.  He was a devoted and fierce creature.  I doted over him before I had children.  He slept under my armpit at night and we walked every day.  One day I took him on a 9 mile March of Dimes walk.  At the starting line there were police on horseback, he charged those horses.    He was fearless when he thought I was in danger and when he thought he was in danger, he would shake.  His whole body would quiver.  There were just a few people in my life that he would let hold him and relax

It has only been a couple of hours and I miss him, I miss him terribly.  I have such a hole in my heart right now.  I wasn't a very good owner.  He didn't always get fed on time.  After the children came he never got walks.   I just wasn't the type of person that could juggle dog and children.  He never received the same attention after Lily was born; but I think that is ok.  My children are to come first and animals are not to be treated human. 

I told Larry tonight that I think it was appropriate that he died now.  Ren represented a time, in mine and Larry's life, where we had few responsibilities; a time in life when things came really easy. I made reservations today for Larry and me to getaway for our 15th wedding anniversary.  The majority of the first 15 years, things came pretty easy.  Everything came easy; money, relationships, respect, parenting.  The way things are going recently, I think this next 15 is going to be tough; money, relationships, respect.....parenting, sigh.  We no longer have the desire for a puppy; we have become much too practical.  We have to be to keep things going through this barren season and puppies don't fit. 

Ren, I already miss you.  All of our little hearts are aching in you absence.  I don't believe I will see you again but I am thankful for the time I had.  You defined the Rice family for 14 years.  Eli always included you when people asked how many in the family. 

I mentioned the 9 mile walk before, well…Ren completed the March of Dimes walk. .  He walked with his legs moving so quickly the entire way.  He made it through the finish line and when he knew he was done; he collapsed and stayed still for a good 20mins.  That was an unusual amount of time to be still for him.  Nine miles would have to be about 100 in Chihuahua miles.  But he kept up beautifully.

He also kept up beautifully in the hectic race of life that is the Wild Rice Family.  He deserves his much needed rest.

 I'm hurting but I know this is all part of having a happy life.  Dogs come and go.  Thankfully, I do not have to feel the suffering of many others; the suffering of people that lose children, parents, and friends.  I could never imagine the pain they feel.  Thank you God that the pain that seems so big to me is so tiny on the scale of pain you have protected me from.  I love you Jesus, thank you for my life; help me to sleep tonight so that I can prepare for Your Sabbath. 

He gives and takes away.