I'm owning these grey hairs!!

I'm nearly 35.  I have four children that are not babies anymore.  I've been married for over 15 years.  I have three grey hairs.  I have a good brain.  I have life experience and some spiritual maturity.  I'm not an idiot or a child. Thank you for my grey...I've earned it! 

Proverbs 16:31

I hate cleaning bedrooms!

So this morning I've decided to blog while supervising a major clean out of the upstairs.  My children have their bedrooms and bathroom up there and I barely go up.  It is all I can do to keep the downstairs somewhat presentable and it just depresses me to head up there, so I avoid it.  I do however, need to go up about once a week or so to make sure it is a healthy and safe environment for my kiddos (I will admit that the environment up there can be questionable.)   So today I've decided will be the big purge, gotta get rid of some stuff to make it easy for them to clean and keep organized.  

It is a couple hours later and really, not a lot has been accomplished.  I did have a bit of a revelation though.  I have no business blogging and not being up there with them because I don't know how to delegate.  I think it is interesting that my husband thinks I'm pretty bossy but I don't have the slightest clue how to oversee projects.  I should be upstairs with Lily telling her how to sort and what to do, but the truth is...I do not know how to start and where to put anything so I end up making her try to figure it out.  Just do it Lily, get it cleaned...this is a mess...how did it get this way?  

As a child I had very little direction.  I remember spending hours in my room "cleaning it."  Really, all I did was shuffle things back and forth.  Great way to spend a summer afternoon :( I didn't know what to do with it the stuff.  It didn't come naturally to me how to organize or prioritize so that I could accomplish anything.  This trait has definitely spilled into my adulthood and I'm afraid it is rubbing off on my children.  

Half way through 34...I still feel like a child, stuck in my room, trying to figure out what to do with the mess that is life.  Honestly, the only way I know how to feel organized is to get rid of stuff.  I don't think that is such a bad trait.  There are so many things I hold onto as an adult, wanting to sort through...thinking it may serve a purpose one day.  Not just material things.  I also have things like memories of past hurt and nasty words that have been said to me.  I guess if I decided I want to hold on to that junk,  then I will have to find a place for it to go in my life.  So, if I choose to keep piling it on the surface, than the useful space underneath will never serve a good purpose. It is that way with my children's room.  If I keep that broken car or the ratty haired doll, it might cover up the pretty space that my children could have to play in. 

Ok, it is 2:35pm.  Larry will be home in 3 hours and I need to get this project done before he gets here.  I guess I need to get up there and give Lily some direction so that she isn't spending hours shuffling junk and so that she can learn some useful tools for the future.  Hopefully, she will be a step ahead of me when she is 34.  I do know though, that when she gets stuck as an adult, I will be there for her.  I'll come in and happily help her sort through stuff, just like I need to be doing now.  

This is my afternoon prayer:  Lord, when the temple was being built, you put your spirit into the workers and gave them supernatural abilities to build and carve and sculpt.  I ask now, that you give me a little bit of that.  I know you are the great architect and that you can give me the direction I lack to get my girls room clean.  Need focus and strength for the next couple hours.  Thank you, your servant...Barbra

Mati Boy

It must be a bad week because this is my 3rd post in just a few days.  Things are rough here so many unknowns.  I wish I could get just a little glimpse of what is to come, well I guess I don't want to know exactly, I just want know that there will be rest and peace soon for our family.  Jesus had nowhere to lay his head, why do I think I need to know when my moat will be filled in or when my realtor will call me back? 

On Sunday, father’s day, My Mati will be 3; such a sweet little guy.  The reason I am awake now is because I heard a little voice from his room that said, "Mommy, I need you."  I went into the room and he said, "kissy, huggy?"  What a sweetie!  What a blessing.

When I found out I was pregnant with him I was terrified.  We had no money and no insurance.  It was my fourth child and I didn’t know how my family would react to the fact that I was pregnant.  Larry and I have always been treated a tad irresponsible for having so many children.   Some friends of ours just had  another miscarriage after trying so many times to have a baby; I felt pretty guilty that it could happen to me by accident.  We kept our little secret for months; you can do that when you have a little chunk on you.  It was well into our fourth month before we started telling people about the baby.  I expected ridicule and everyone was really accepting, more so than when I had Wynnie. 

When I had Gwyneth, my third child, I struggled with a name, especially a boy’s name.  I think the night before we settled on the name Judah.  We were not super sold on it, but it was time to find a name and that would have to do.  I had ruled out Mathias because there was already a Matt in the family and I didn't know if he was done having children.  We almost named Eli, Mathias but obviously didn't.  I’d always wanted an Eli since I was a child.  So after I had Wynnie I took a trip to Cleveland to the family burial plot and the Patriarch of the family’s grave was there, the name on the stone was Mathias.  I was shocked, we all thought it was Matthew.  At that point I was for sure that if I ever had another boy that would be the name!

And so, four years later, I was pregnant.  Things seemed to be falling into place.  I was able to get on Medicare and get the same Dr. I had with Wynnie.  It was great I wasn't treated any differently than when I was insured and used his services.  We told our friends who miscarried first and they were very sweet and gracious, even happy for us.

So I guess it was going to happen and God was making it work.  The baby was coming.  The children knew and Eli told me that he would only be happy if the baby was a boy;  anyone that knows my Eli, knows that it wasn't a threat...just the truth.  Man did that put the pressure on.  So into the fifth month we had an ultra sound to see what the sex would be.  I didn't want to know with the other children but with a small house and 3 others, and Eli's possible depression over a girl, I wanted to be prepared as possible.  This ultra sound was different.  With the others I was there with Larry holding my hand.  With this one, we were all there, and I had tiny people holding my hand.   We were all anxious to know the sex of the baby and, of course, if it was healthy.  The technician looked down and said "I guess you guys are going to be evened out, 3 girls, 3 boys."  Yeah!  Eli won't be in despair and God has blessed us with another son.  Right away we knew that name would be Mathias, Mati for short.

I was getting use to the idea of being pregnant again.  My fears were going away.  It was becoming more obvious to me that this little guy was a blessing, something to celebrate and not another obstacle to deal with.  I became even clearer to me when I picked up a baby name book and saw that Mathias meant ,  given from God.  Could anything be more perfect?  

He was in fact given from God, as all of my children were.  He was given to us at a time of despair, at a time when we had been heavily persecuted for righteousness sake.  The birth of baby Mathias brought pure joy back into the Rice home.  There was no jealousy with my children, just delight. 

He is beautiful and perfect and an incredible joy to my heart daily.  

I thank God for the gift of Mathias Alan Rice.  I thank him for allowing me to do the mommy thing again later in life and for rewarding Larry for his faithfulness, with a perfect son.  

Every good and perfect gift comes from the father of lights above!  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! 

My cup runneth over..so does my moat!

I know this may not last long because the adversary has a way of getting me down; but for this evening, I am singing praises to YHWH for his faithfulness.  We had a great turnout for Sabbath fellowship and that is always encouraging.  All of my children looked so nice in their new clothes, I felt so happy.  We came home, had nachos and watched a movie.  Wynnie snuggled in my arms and Lily lay at the foot of the bed.  Man all I could think of was how pretty my girls are.  They are both beautiful.  Lily is growing into a gorgeous young lady and Wynnie couldn't be prettier. 

Right now, I don't care that I am dirt poor.  I have the most amazing family.  I have a hardworking, loving, handsome, devoted, strong, smart husband.  His only "flaw" is that he can be too nice.  I have smart, funny, healthy, obedient, beautiful children.  I get to stay home and watch them grow. 

We have been given the opportunity to help start a new faith congregation in Syracuse.  We are in a great location, neat building.  We have made friends with the baker and she gives us her leftovers.  Our landlord is great and our rent is cheap.  Wow!  What a blessing.

Like I said I am filled with joy.  A week ago I was in despair.  I sobbed as Everdry of Fort Wayne used a back hoe on my front yard; Digging up all of my hopes and dreams for a pretty yard this summer.   2 years of patch jobs and a 4 month delay to "get it right" caused us to have to take our house off the market.  But God connected us with a lender and now we are going to buy the home we newly renovated. 

It is funny how things turn out.  Last summer was to be the year of parties.  There was to be a house warming, a graduation party, and an ordination service.  None of that came to be; until this year.  Last weekend Larry was honored for his ordination in Michigan at a service he had no idea about.  This year we could have a housewarming but it would seem silly because we have lived in the house for a year, and Larry's graduation party?  Well, he wants to go back to school so maybe we will do it then. 

What God constantly reminds me of is that I am not in control.  I can plan all the parties I want but if what I am celebrating is not in Gods will, I am celebrating in vain.  I can plan how I will sell my house but if a contractor comes and digs up my yard, my plans are toast. 

I guess all that matters is that we keep going even through what seems like hardship.  You know, not many people feel sorry for me, and why should they?  I have a loving family, nice home, Larry is educated with a good job, and everyone is healthy and perfect.  There is nothing to feel sorry for here.  We are blessed....

There is this silly country hymn that I like. The verse says I am drinking from my saucer because my cup has over flowed. 

That is me....drinking from the saucer of abundant life in Yeshua.  I cannot thank or praise Him enough! 

nothing ='s everything

Why does it have to be so hard to be a believer?  Why do I have to have these convictions?  I feel like there are so few of us.  Life would be so much easier if I were like the majority of Christianity. Should I be selfish, looking to my own needs and wants before the needs and wants of my "savior?"  Sometimes I wish I was like one of them again.  I could work whenever I wanted and wear whatever I wanted.  I would still be considered a good believer.  If I left my kids with a sitter, went back to making 50,000 a year, worked nights and weekends, people would think we had everything all together. 

Do you know that 3 years ago someone who was living with a man that was not the father of her child, someone who drinks too much and acts like she is in high school told me she could help me get my life back together!?  Now at that time, I had 4 lovely children;  I had been living in a purchased home for 6 years;  My husband had one masters and was in school for his next.  I'm thinking to myself...What?  Why do I look so pathetic to you?  My husband had lost a job, that was very hurtful time, but he found an equal job pretty much right away.  What would have made me more acceptable?   Should I throw off the scarf I always wear on my head and pick up a cocktail?  Would that be a step in the "right" direction?  Should I send my children to school and focus again on my career, would that do?  Why isn't it ok just to be faithful?  Why does someone that doesn't look worldly come across as mislead and confused.  Why isn't it ok to choose poverty (I use that very loosely, I know I am nowhere near impoverished.) over indulgence? 

I had a non-religious Jew in my home the other day.  We had some really interesting conversation.  This woman had attended a Christian church and liked it very much.  Later in life when she asked her Rabbi why Jesus couldn't be the Messiah his response was this.  "The Messiah would never come as a carpenter."  Well why not?  What is so terrible about a servant king?  Could you imagine if Zacheaus said to Jesus, while he was eating with him,  "Jesus... we need to get your life in order.  I'll teach you how to lie and steal so that you don't have to have so many troubles."  How bazaar would that be?  How absolutely obscured?

Jesus intentionally came down from all of his glory and made himself of no reputation, just for us.  He made himself someone that, shallow and selfish, people would think needed worldly help.  There may have been times, when he was fighting with those arrogant Pharisees it may have occurred to him to get the upper hand in the argument by doing great wonders.  I don't think he resorted to fireworks because it would impress the wrong people.  Jesus didn't want people to follow him because they loved his abilities or his house or clothes or his famous friends.  He wanted people to follow him because they fell in love with his message, his witness, and his purpose.  If he did that with fancy things and spectacles they wouldn't love him for who he was. 

When Jesus came over 2000 years ago, he came as a lover, a peacemaker, a humble and lowly servant.  He set that example for us so that we would know where true happiness comes from.  Not in the pomp and circumstance of the proud, but in the foot washing humility of the servant. 

So I’m back to me and why things are so hard.  Well, things are so hard because as long as I’m living in this sinful world, I will not be able to live up to the world’s sinful standard.   And I guess until I get my glorified body I will struggle with feeling lowly.  I don’t mean to compare myself to Jesus.  He is my example and I am a sorry copy.  With that said, I have made myself nothing by the world’s standard to follow him.  Many days it feels really crappy.  That is why it is so important to fellowship on Sabbath with other believers. 

Make yourself nothing now so that you can have everything later.

Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth.  Matthew 5:5

Synonyms for meek: humble, timid, submissive, gentle, docile, modest, compliant, mild, quiet, lowly, weak, fearful, tame.........Jesus.......Barbra?

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God

Wow!  Can anyone read that line and not feel conviction?  There are so many outward things I do throughout the day.  "Good"  things to help me down the path toward righteousness.  I try really hard but the Proverbs 31 woman I aint.  I'm not up before the sun, my children are not clothed in fine linens, and I’ve not considered a field to buy.  I've considered a doughnut and bought it, but not a field.  But still I try, I have constant dialog with God throughout the day asking him to help me make good decisions and asking for his spirit to fill me so that I can be a shining example of his wonderful love. 

I seems to me that the more steps I take down the right path I feel like garbage.  I feel unworthy and selfish and all kinds of unholy things.  I get confused because I know I'm headed where he is leading but every time I take a few confident steps forward I get clotheslined by life issues and end up down in the dumps.  While I'm down there I think all kinds of things about what a bad person I am, what a worm am I.  When I am feeling wormy, it helps me to look at who I truly am, what my motives really are.  Are they for His glory or my glory?  Is there anything in me that needs to be dealt with, anything that others don't see...even Larry?  Things just I know about myself. 

I pray one day to see God in all of His glory with his angels.  I know this is a promise that he has given to me and whether I make the grade or not, it will happen.  But what is keeping me from seeing God now?  Maybe the desire I feel to be so close to him is hindered by my innermost thoughts and motives.  Maybe the ones I don't even know exist. 

I guess that is why the Psalmist wrote, search me God and know my heart.  Try me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there be any wickedness in me and lead me in your Everlasting Way. 

So I'm confident I have been shown the Everlasting Way.  I'm heading in the right direction.  The clothesline times are God trying me, and making me take time to examine my heart and motives.  Now I pray that you show yourself to me and that through me, your Glory may be revealed!

 Just a writers note...Matt is screaming in the background and Eli is pelting me with endless questions.  One day I will miss this.

Little Powdered Doughnuts

3:09 AM......normally I would be so frustrated if I were awake at 3:09 am, but not this evening.  I'm kinda excited because I have been really busy during the days and I have no time or focus to write anything on my blog.  So here I am, didn't waste any time lying in bed trying to get back to sleep just jumped up to write. 

So how is Barbra?  Well I couldn't help but feel totally blessed after an amazing week.  Larry and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary!  I have been thinking about that day for 15 years.  After my wedding I decided everything was a total disaster and I would have another wedding and renew my vows on my 15th anniversary.  There were so many mishaps my wedding day like, giant Tupperware ladles use to serve food out of my fancy, rented, sliver chaffing dishes and the flowers were all wrong, and my videographer ran out of battery right at the beginning of our kiss and didn't get us walking up the isle or any of the reception.  Maybe not getting the reception wasn't such a bad thing because I have horrid memories of one invited couple making out the whole time and karaoke to Bohemian Rhapsody, I thought that would be a fun idea at the time to get all of my bridesmaids and sing to that song....not my best idea, I think the song is over 10 mins and we lost momentum about the 2nd verse.  Oh well, I was pretty upset for a long time about my wedding.  I think mostly because, as a 19 year old planning a wedding all by myself, I really trusted a lot of people to come through for me and I think many professionals at my wedding dropped the ball.  I can say "oh well" now but it took me a while to get to that point.  For the first few years I would cry anytime I saw a flower arrangement that looked like what I wanted, or I would stew over the fact that there was very little excitement at my wedding.  I think most people there thought we were idiots.  Some said that very plain to us before hand and the others didn't need to say because you could see it in their faces.  I can't say that I didn't get any help though.  My sister was amazing running all over for me and cooking with me until 3am before my wedding day.  And Larry’s family was very sweet to stay behind after everything was over and clean up the mess, A detail I forgot to plan..oops.  My wedding wasn't perfect but now I don't look back so much on the mistakes as I do on the sweet people, some of whom are gone, who were there for me and excited for us!

So we didn't have  a big do over wedding but we did have a really nice get away, just us.  And we got back just in time for a great mother’s day, I hate mother day but that is another long story.  This mother’s day was really special.  I think some of it had to do with not going to church on Sunday and having to listen to an “every woman who has given birth deserves a pat on the back today, even if they are a crappy Mom” sermon.”  Have you sat through those? Maybe it is just me.  I did get treated to breakfast in bed and I got a really great coffee mug that says " I surpatheth all woman in specialness."  Wow!  Good for me! The best gift though, the one that made me cry, was the package of little powdered doughnuts in the cup. 

Oh how I LOVE little powdered doughnuts.  They are my all-time comfort food.  When I’m
feeling really discouraged about relationships or lack of weight loss, I turn to my sweet comforter, a bag of soft, sweet, crumbly, little powdered doughnuts...sigh.  Just thinking about them gives me comfort.  So what is the deal with these little diet killers. 

I think this is it:  I don't have many memories from my childhood but I vividly remember staying a couple times, overnight, with my mother’s mom and dad.  I really have no memories of grandma on the overnights, just grandpa, I will focus on one.  We took a trip, grandpa and I,  to Cub Foods to pick up a couple things for the weekend.  I remember walking with my grandpa down the big isles, hand in hand, looking for a special treat just for me.  He said I could have anything I wanted for a treat.  I was only about seven or eight but I can remember being a little stressed out about what to choose.  I didn't want to seem too greedy and I also wanted him to be impressed my decision so I made my mind up, a can of crushed pineapple.  That was what I wanted for my treat.  I remember him looking down at me skeptical, "Are you sure this is what you want?"  “Oh yes, it is my favorite.”  So he grabbed a can of crushed pineapple and we headed toward the checkout.  I remember being so please with my choice, “Good for you Barbra, your grandpa will think you are so sensible."  We approached the checkout, all of the items in a small basket, and we waited in line for our turn.  The checkout lane was lined with all kinds of candy bars and bubblegum, I don't remember noticing that as much as the endless supply of clear bags, filled with powdered doughnuts, stacked on top of one another, in front of the checkout.  I don't know if grandpa noticed me, noticing them, but he offered one last time.  “Barbra you can have the pineapple.  But why don't you get yourself a real treat.”  I remember eagerly snatching up one of those bags,  “May I have this?”  He just shook his head yes and we continued through the checkout and on our way back to their lovely home on the Southside of Indy. 

I don't remember eating those doughnuts.  I just remember how special it was that he wanted to buy them for me.  I think that is why when I am in wallowing in self-pity I turn to my friend, the one that is there to comfort me, my little powdered doughnuts...

Don't you think I see the huge spiritual flaw here?  I will never win my weight battle if that is where I go for comfort.  I know there is a comforter that I don't have to pay 2.50 for and that won't leave a ring of sweet, white powder on my lips and down my shirt. 

Jesus said that he had to leave so that the comforter could come.  Jesus, in his earthly body, did not make himself available to everyone on earth.  But when he ascended he sent his spirit to be there for all of us whenever we ask, sometimes even when we don't.  Even when it has been such a crappy day…that you find yourself scrounging through the house…looking for enough change… to buy a bag of comfort.  Maybe his spirit helps you to remember where that loose dollar is or directs you to the sticky, crumb covered quarter underneath your car seat. 

Thanks for the memories Grandpa Andrew Truden, I love you so much more than you know.