I've been told recently by someone close to me that I expect too much from my relationships with others, and that my views are unrealistic. I am very much someone who wears her heart on her sleeve. There is no question with me. You get what you see. I'm not a very private person (sometimes to the chagrin of my husband.) I'm very open with my failures. If I'm happy to see someone they know it. If I've been hurt I suspect they know that too.
I think it is true that God gave us others to help with the hard journey that is our life. Why is it then that the very people God has given us to help end up making things more difficult. God put us all here to be an example to someone. I know that I have to be an example to younger mothers, young believers, and especially to the children God has entrusted to me. I know that they will look to me for most everything. I will be an example to them until the day I die. I pray my children will look to me as a blessing in their life and not someone that adds to their burdens.
I have searched for people to be an example to me my whole life. I am a teachable person. I want to know how to live life well. I have a person in my mind that I want to be, and I look for people to show me how to be that person.
I have learned many things over the past few years by piecing together tidbits of different people. This last weekend I intently watched a lovely woman eat an orange. She ate pieces of that orange that I never thought to eat. Today, as I peeled my orange, I ate some of the peel. It was yummy. It was not sweet but full of flavor.
I am a people watcher. I would be very happy sitting in a mall or public area staring at people all day. I like to imagine what things are like for them at home. I like to admire the way they dress. And, I laugh at silly things some of them may do. Many times my heart will break for them; the exasperated mother. The lonely child. I always seem to identify with them in some way. A lot of times I just want to help. I hate seeing other people suffer, even if it is slight.
So back to my expectations of people...hmmm,
I expect a friend to be cautious of your feeling and not ignore your hurt.
I expect a mother or father to put aside themselves and their luxuries to provide for their children....kids first.
I expect a pastor to care more about my spiritual being than his own recognition.
I expect a boss to be fare.
I expect my children to listen and do what I say, as long as it is reasonable.
I expect that when someone gives me something it is because of my need and not because of their need to feel appreciated.
I expect a teacher to teach.
I expect to feel wanted and welcomed when someone invites me to their home.
I expect a person who claims to follow Jesus example, to follow it.
I have other expectations but really, are these that unrealistic? I pray not.
Passage on my heart:
Older men are to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance. Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. Likewise urge the young men to be sensible; in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us. Urge bondslaves to be subject to their own masters in everything, to be well-pleasing, not argumentative, not pilfering, but showing all good faith so that they will adorn the doctrine of God our Savior in every respect. For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men,
Titus 2: 1-11
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I'm happy...I pray you are too!
Well, it has been a month since I started this blog. When I first started I thought I would have something to write everyday. Writing everyday isn't a reality, but that is ok. I'm not sure if all of you out in blog world would care to read something posted from me everyday.
I am settling into 34. Eating much more healthy and exercising more often. I have been reading through Samuel and Kings in the Bible. I'm really interested in understanding the history better. I hope to read through the Bible this year,but I refuse to start in Genesis. Larry and I had the opportunity to have two beautiful Irish sisters in our home a few years back. One of the girls pointed out to me that many Christians have read through Genesis many times. She noted the reason to be that anyone wanting to read through the Bible "proper" as she said, will start with Genesis first and often give up before the end.
I really enjoy the relationships God has given me, and I am getting old enough for exciting reunions with past friends. I forgotten how many I have accumulated over the years.
My children are a constant joy in my life. My Lily is growing into a beautiful young lady. She is officially taller than me. She measures 5ft 1in. The other day, the principal of her school singled me out and told me what a fantastic child I have and how she is such a joy to have around.
Eli is always surprising me with his wit. He is always saying funny, thoughtful things. He came into the kitchen the other day to tell me a joke. "Mommy, what singer celebrates April Fools Day? Peter Fooler. " That is funny if you are a Newsboys fan. He can join any conversation with an anecdote from Spongebob and every once in a while surprises me with a kiss.
My Wynnie is a doll. Her 2 front teeth are nearly grown in. She is reading really well, and she loves to do her school work. Her baby brother looks to her often for help, and her big brother looks to her for a play buddy. They are two peas in a pod. I look to her for a sweet smile, and she never lets me down.
Mati...well...he is two, and he is a stinker. He does the naughtiest things; However, he is so cute doing them that he rarely gets punished. He left a lovely mural for me on my living room wall. (Just an FYI that a Mister Clean Sponge will not get red dry erase marker off of a yellow wall.) He wakes up at 6:30 to "get to work." I'm awakened by the flick of his light switch and his little feet scampering across the floor. He never fails to find the loudest toy in his toy box to play over and over again, about 100 times before I am able to roll out of my comfy bed.
My dog is peeing all over the place and, as Forest Gump would say, "that is all I have to say about that."
Larry is my life. I find myself daily day dreaming about him. I dream about the past we have shared and the future to come. I can't express how important he is in my life. I'm so in love.
So that is where I am right now. It is not perfect, but it is heading in a good direction. I'm happy! I pray you are too!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
When you're drowning in the waters and can't stay afloat. Ask HaShem for mercy and he'll throw you a rope.
I feel like I can't breathe! My arms are flailing. My feet are kicking, and my head barely makes it to the surface for one good breath. This breath is sufficient enough to sustain my flailing but not enough to feel refreshed and satisfied, and so it goes on and on...the kicking and flailing…
My current location is right in the middle of the ocean that is Barbra's life. I jumped ship from the S.S. Flowers 16 years ago. It wasn't a luxury yacht by any means and not a vacation boat either. It was a work boat. All I did was work and sleep. I barely got by. I didn't get along very well with the other shipmates, and I felt it would be easier on my own. So, I took a flimsy lifeboat with a few provisions, and I jumped ship.
At first, it was nice. I was on my own. I made the schedule and didn't have to account to anyone. I had no unreasonable chores. Any work that needed to be done was accomplished and I directly benefited. This was the life! I was my own captain, but that didn't last long. When I jumped ship I knew I wouldn't be alone for long. I'd made arrangements with my best mate. We were going to meet up and sail the seas together.
I could see his small fishing boat on the horizon. He's chuggin towards me. I'm so excited! This is what I've always dreamed of doing! Sailing the sea of life with a capable, strong, loving man. I knew there would be rough seas ahead, but I didn’t care. I could do anything with his support. I was ready for anything...so I thought.
There he was, the strong captain of the Larry Rice Jr., His small hand, the same size as mine, stretched out over the edge of the boat and reached for me. His loving eyes and sweet smile greeted me saying, "I am ready for this...let's go!" I gladly left my dinghy behind and jumped aboard.
We spent a couple of carefree years on the small fishing boat. Then, later, added a couple shipmates. Together, we decided that with the responsibility to care for the new members, we needed another, larger, boat. We worked hard for this new boat. It was great. Just enough space for us all and then some. We named the new boat The Way, and it was working well; however, It was harder to maintain and the work was constant. There was very little downtime to relax and appreciate the vast surroundings. Still, it was worth it! The vessel was getting us to our goal of independence and freedom.
The one, quirky, and exasperating issue with this boat was, if the captain, or myself, made one wrong decision it had a tendency to capsize. Thankfully, it would correct itself, and we could hop back on and continue our journey. But, in the meantime, we would be thrown from our routine, and all of us would be left treading water in the middle of this unpredictable ocean.
The first few times were manageable. We had the strength and could endure the various times in the ocean. But after a while, the capsizing was more frequent, and the boat would take longer to correct itself. Our crew was getting bigger. It was pretty hard in those times treading water to stay afloat and make sure all of our shipmate's needs were met.
The captain and I did the best we could to give them instruction and we tried to encourage them to be able to stay above the water. As we helped them our time in the water would go by quickly and would leave us exhausted. It seemed like every time we capsized the ordeal would take a little piece of the captain and me. We didn't have the same vigor we used to, and it seemed that instead of being able to enjoy our time of "rest" on the boat. We were using that time to give us enough strength to manage the next time in salty, choppy waters.
I predict the capsizing will never stop. I just hope it will become less frequent as the captain and I learn to navigate the ship better. Eventually, our crew will want their own boat. I hope we will have done a good job preparing them for the journey.
Right now, as I sit on a barstool at the kitchen counter. I feel like every day I barely keep from drowning. I'm exhausted by life issues. The waves of responsibility, decisions, and relationships leave me constantly gasping for air. Larry, my captain, is still the willing and loving man he always has been but his eyes are tired. Instead of saying, "I'm ready" they say, "now what?" Instead of saying "let's go!" it is more like "I suppose we had better take care of this." He is a good captain though. We know many who have abandoned ship. Not him, he has committed to The way and its crew.
I thank you, Jesus. I know my life issues are mild compared to many. I know that I'm not dealing with any more than most people. I thank you that you are there for me, and the few times I have thought to call on Your Name you have come through amazingly. You have put my family in an incredible position. You have given us so much. You have never let us drown. Even when we stop kicking our feet or moving our arms, you have a rope constantly tethered to the ship. If we remember, all we have to do it grab on for dear life and find the rest we need in cruel waters. I love you and I feel so very blessed. Help me to remember all you have given me and help me to not be distracted by the storms of life.
Verse on my heart:
Matthew 14:31
Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?"
My current location is right in the middle of the ocean that is Barbra's life. I jumped ship from the S.S. Flowers 16 years ago. It wasn't a luxury yacht by any means and not a vacation boat either. It was a work boat. All I did was work and sleep. I barely got by. I didn't get along very well with the other shipmates, and I felt it would be easier on my own. So, I took a flimsy lifeboat with a few provisions, and I jumped ship.
At first, it was nice. I was on my own. I made the schedule and didn't have to account to anyone. I had no unreasonable chores. Any work that needed to be done was accomplished and I directly benefited. This was the life! I was my own captain, but that didn't last long. When I jumped ship I knew I wouldn't be alone for long. I'd made arrangements with my best mate. We were going to meet up and sail the seas together.
I could see his small fishing boat on the horizon. He's chuggin towards me. I'm so excited! This is what I've always dreamed of doing! Sailing the sea of life with a capable, strong, loving man. I knew there would be rough seas ahead, but I didn’t care. I could do anything with his support. I was ready for anything...so I thought.
There he was, the strong captain of the Larry Rice Jr., His small hand, the same size as mine, stretched out over the edge of the boat and reached for me. His loving eyes and sweet smile greeted me saying, "I am ready for this...let's go!" I gladly left my dinghy behind and jumped aboard.
We spent a couple of carefree years on the small fishing boat. Then, later, added a couple shipmates. Together, we decided that with the responsibility to care for the new members, we needed another, larger, boat. We worked hard for this new boat. It was great. Just enough space for us all and then some. We named the new boat The Way, and it was working well; however, It was harder to maintain and the work was constant. There was very little downtime to relax and appreciate the vast surroundings. Still, it was worth it! The vessel was getting us to our goal of independence and freedom.
The one, quirky, and exasperating issue with this boat was, if the captain, or myself, made one wrong decision it had a tendency to capsize. Thankfully, it would correct itself, and we could hop back on and continue our journey. But, in the meantime, we would be thrown from our routine, and all of us would be left treading water in the middle of this unpredictable ocean.
The first few times were manageable. We had the strength and could endure the various times in the ocean. But after a while, the capsizing was more frequent, and the boat would take longer to correct itself. Our crew was getting bigger. It was pretty hard in those times treading water to stay afloat and make sure all of our shipmate's needs were met.
The captain and I did the best we could to give them instruction and we tried to encourage them to be able to stay above the water. As we helped them our time in the water would go by quickly and would leave us exhausted. It seemed like every time we capsized the ordeal would take a little piece of the captain and me. We didn't have the same vigor we used to, and it seemed that instead of being able to enjoy our time of "rest" on the boat. We were using that time to give us enough strength to manage the next time in salty, choppy waters.
I predict the capsizing will never stop. I just hope it will become less frequent as the captain and I learn to navigate the ship better. Eventually, our crew will want their own boat. I hope we will have done a good job preparing them for the journey.
Right now, as I sit on a barstool at the kitchen counter. I feel like every day I barely keep from drowning. I'm exhausted by life issues. The waves of responsibility, decisions, and relationships leave me constantly gasping for air. Larry, my captain, is still the willing and loving man he always has been but his eyes are tired. Instead of saying, "I'm ready" they say, "now what?" Instead of saying "let's go!" it is more like "I suppose we had better take care of this." He is a good captain though. We know many who have abandoned ship. Not him, he has committed to The way and its crew.
I thank you, Jesus. I know my life issues are mild compared to many. I know that I'm not dealing with any more than most people. I thank you that you are there for me, and the few times I have thought to call on Your Name you have come through amazingly. You have put my family in an incredible position. You have given us so much. You have never let us drown. Even when we stop kicking our feet or moving our arms, you have a rope constantly tethered to the ship. If we remember, all we have to do it grab on for dear life and find the rest we need in cruel waters. I love you and I feel so very blessed. Help me to remember all you have given me and help me to not be distracted by the storms of life.
Verse on my heart:
Matthew 14:31
Immediately
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
My Testimony?
I think it is so strange when people ask me to share my testimony in the singular, like there is only one. Like God has only done one notable thing in my life. I will tell you that my testimonies are countless. YHWH has work wonders with me when I have allowed him. I hope to share some of these amazing turns in my life throughout this year of blogging. I choose to start with this one. It really didn’t affect me as much as it affected my husband, but I was blessed to watch it unfold in front of my eyes.
I met my husband Larry in high school English. We started attending church in the town were we lived. A few years later after 1 year of college, we married and moved to a different town. A Different town meant we needed to look for a different church. Larry and I were proud Christians that loved Jesus and we wanted to find a church community because we felt that is what good Christians do. So, every Sunday morning we would church hop. We went from church to church to find the right fit for us.
One Sunday we decided to visit a large church on a large corner lot in South Bend. We passed the church a number of times in our day to day activities, and we felt a pull to visit. There was nothing special about the Sunday morning we visited. We woke up, got ready, got in the car, and went to church. When we stepped into the church building we were surprise at the low attendance. There were only about 40 people in this large church building in South Bend. In side the building was simple. There were no lavish decorations or saintly statues. The service itself was dry. They sang slowly to old-fashioned hymns. The middle-aged Pastor was new and you could tell he wasn’t super comfortable with his position yet. There was nothing that really stuck out to a 20 year old couple. Nothing but nice people who noticed us We left the service that day unimpressed, but happy enough to maybe try again. Later that week I received a nice note in the mail from one of the women. I was touched by her effort and thoughtfulness, so we went back the next week. After a few weeks of visiting we decided this was the church for us!
The next workweek went by quickly, and the time came to attend our “little” church on the corner. That morning Larry wasn’t feeling very well, so we decided to stay home. The next week went by and Larry felt fine. We had every intention of making it to church, but….Sunday morning came and the strangest thing happened. Larry got out of bed, and his nose started pouring with blood. He felt like he was going to pass out. I never knew him to suffer with nosebleeds. We missed another church service, but we didn’t think much about it. We would make it next week. The next workweek went by and Larry was fine. We got out of bed Sunday morning to go to church, and Larry’s eyes started burning. They burned so terribly that we took him to an emergency clinic. He had some sort of strep virus in his eyes. This was too much! By then we had figured out the enemy did not want us at that church.
That Sunday evening, after Larry was treated, we recognized the strange illnesses were attacks from Satan ,and something needed to be done. The only thing we could think to do was visit Larry’s pastor uncle in Milford. His aunt and uncle were welcoming as usual. They also felt these Sunday morning illnesses were attacks. Larry’s uncle suggested we be anointed that evening at his church. He made arrangements for the elders of the church to lay their hands on Larry and me. They prayed that the attacks would stop and that we would no longer be discouraged from attending this church on the corner. We left that evening with confidence and peace. We truly felt like God was leading us, and we were following the path he had chosen for us.
The workweek went by and Larry was fine. We both woke up the next Sunday morning healthy and refreshed. We headed out early. We were excited to get to this church to see why it was such a threat to Satan. We got half way there and our two year old car broke down. It died on the side of the road. We were so confused. How could this happen? We sat there for a while. I don’t remember what we did in the car. Did we say a prayer, did we laugh, did we cry? I don’t know…..However; I do remember the joy I felt when a police car stopped to see if we needed help. He took us back to our apartment. We got our other car and made it to church that Sunday. I don’t know if we made it on time, but we made it. We never had troubles making it to church after that. God honored our faith and he protected us. He knew this church would play an important part in Larry’s ministry.
This church DID play a vital role in Larry’s ministry. It just so happened that this denomination was the same one Larry attended as a child with his grandmother. It also was the same denomination as the church in Milford where his uncle served. This church called and licensed Larry to the ministry. They helped to prepare him to be a Pastor. Everything came back around full circle when some of the elders at the church in Milford that laid hands on Larry the Sunday evening we were in spiritual distressed, called him to be their pastor 10 years later. Since then, Larry and I try to be tuned into the spiritual forces behind things that happen in our ministry.
Currently, as we try with the help of others to start a truly Biblical fellowship, we realize Satan and his demons will try to destroy us with sickness and hardships of various kinds. We must be aware of their presence and not be distracted by what they throw at us.
Scripture on my heart:
Is anyone among you sick? Then he must call for the elders of the church and they are to pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him. Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.
James 5:14-16
I met my husband Larry in high school English. We started attending church in the town were we lived. A few years later after 1 year of college, we married and moved to a different town. A Different town meant we needed to look for a different church. Larry and I were proud Christians that loved Jesus and we wanted to find a church community because we felt that is what good Christians do. So, every Sunday morning we would church hop. We went from church to church to find the right fit for us.
One Sunday we decided to visit a large church on a large corner lot in South Bend. We passed the church a number of times in our day to day activities, and we felt a pull to visit. There was nothing special about the Sunday morning we visited. We woke up, got ready, got in the car, and went to church. When we stepped into the church building we were surprise at the low attendance. There were only about 40 people in this large church building in South Bend. In side the building was simple. There were no lavish decorations or saintly statues. The service itself was dry. They sang slowly to old-fashioned hymns. The middle-aged Pastor was new and you could tell he wasn’t super comfortable with his position yet. There was nothing that really stuck out to a 20 year old couple. Nothing but nice people who noticed us We left the service that day unimpressed, but happy enough to maybe try again. Later that week I received a nice note in the mail from one of the women. I was touched by her effort and thoughtfulness, so we went back the next week. After a few weeks of visiting we decided this was the church for us!
The next workweek went by quickly, and the time came to attend our “little” church on the corner. That morning Larry wasn’t feeling very well, so we decided to stay home. The next week went by and Larry felt fine. We had every intention of making it to church, but….Sunday morning came and the strangest thing happened. Larry got out of bed, and his nose started pouring with blood. He felt like he was going to pass out. I never knew him to suffer with nosebleeds. We missed another church service, but we didn’t think much about it. We would make it next week. The next workweek went by and Larry was fine. We got out of bed Sunday morning to go to church, and Larry’s eyes started burning. They burned so terribly that we took him to an emergency clinic. He had some sort of strep virus in his eyes. This was too much! By then we had figured out the enemy did not want us at that church.
That Sunday evening, after Larry was treated, we recognized the strange illnesses were attacks from Satan ,and something needed to be done. The only thing we could think to do was visit Larry’s pastor uncle in Milford. His aunt and uncle were welcoming as usual. They also felt these Sunday morning illnesses were attacks. Larry’s uncle suggested we be anointed that evening at his church. He made arrangements for the elders of the church to lay their hands on Larry and me. They prayed that the attacks would stop and that we would no longer be discouraged from attending this church on the corner. We left that evening with confidence and peace. We truly felt like God was leading us, and we were following the path he had chosen for us.
The workweek went by and Larry was fine. We both woke up the next Sunday morning healthy and refreshed. We headed out early. We were excited to get to this church to see why it was such a threat to Satan. We got half way there and our two year old car broke down. It died on the side of the road. We were so confused. How could this happen? We sat there for a while. I don’t remember what we did in the car. Did we say a prayer, did we laugh, did we cry? I don’t know…..However; I do remember the joy I felt when a police car stopped to see if we needed help. He took us back to our apartment. We got our other car and made it to church that Sunday. I don’t know if we made it on time, but we made it. We never had troubles making it to church after that. God honored our faith and he protected us. He knew this church would play an important part in Larry’s ministry.
This church DID play a vital role in Larry’s ministry. It just so happened that this denomination was the same one Larry attended as a child with his grandmother. It also was the same denomination as the church in Milford where his uncle served. This church called and licensed Larry to the ministry. They helped to prepare him to be a Pastor. Everything came back around full circle when some of the elders at the church in Milford that laid hands on Larry the Sunday evening we were in spiritual distressed, called him to be their pastor 10 years later. Since then, Larry and I try to be tuned into the spiritual forces behind things that happen in our ministry.
Currently, as we try with the help of others to start a truly Biblical fellowship, we realize Satan and his demons will try to destroy us with sickness and hardships of various kinds. We must be aware of their presence and not be distracted by what they throw at us.
Scripture on my heart:
Is anyone among you sick? Then he must call for the elders of the church and they are to pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him. Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.
James 5:14-16
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunrise, Sunset
Sunrise Sunset, quickly fly the years.
It felt good this morning to wake up before the sunrise. I think it sounds impressive to say that I was up before the sunrise, but if you are from Indiana you may not be impressed. The sun wasn’t up over the rooftops where I could see it until almost 9:00am. Still, it is good for me to be in the living room sipping my second cup of coffee before 9:00am. As I sat on my overstuffed couch, staring blankly out the window, I couldn't help but sing to myself...Sunrise, sunset, swiftly fly the years.
So many memories flood my head. We had to learn this song for forth grade music class. When the teacher told us to get out our music the whole class would roll their eyes and sigh. It wasn’t our favorite selection. This same teacher would occasionally pull out the Beastie Boys and let us sing and dance. We would much rather Fight for Our Right to Party than to sing this song we clearly did not understand. Years later in my early twenties, I watched Fiddler on the Roof for the first time. My Dad bought the DVD for Larry and me as an acknowledgment of our “Jewishness.” The movie made me cry and cry. The separation from father and daughter really pulled at my heart strings. Still, it ended up being one of my favorite musicals. Since then, my husband has taken me several times to see the stage play. We even had the blessing last year to catch Topol's farewell tour at the Chicago Theater. I was amazed to see this man at seventy-five singing and dancing. I sure didn’t seem to me like there had been too many sunsets since he had starred in the movie. He was on his farewell tour. This was the end of his life as Tevye. I’m sure that he was aware of the days that had gone by. I’m sure the thoughts running through his head when I saw him sing that song on the Chicago stage were worlds away from what he was thinking about when he first sang the song.
That is kinda like me. I no longer roll my eyes and sigh when I here the words of this song. I understand, I empathize, I realize that my days are quickly flying by. Before I know it I will be singing my last song.
I’ve been bothered for weeks to make my days count; to cherish the special times that I have with my amazing family. All of my children have the most beautiful big eyes, and they have big hearts to match. I cringe to think that in a blur it will be over.
One season following another, laden with happiness and tears...
The verse on my heart today:
So teach us to number our days that we may present to You a heart of wisdom
Psalm 90:12
It felt good this morning to wake up before the sunrise. I think it sounds impressive to say that I was up before the sunrise, but if you are from Indiana you may not be impressed. The sun wasn’t up over the rooftops where I could see it until almost 9:00am. Still, it is good for me to be in the living room sipping my second cup of coffee before 9:00am. As I sat on my overstuffed couch, staring blankly out the window, I couldn't help but sing to myself...Sunrise, sunset, swiftly fly the years.
So many memories flood my head. We had to learn this song for forth grade music class. When the teacher told us to get out our music the whole class would roll their eyes and sigh. It wasn’t our favorite selection. This same teacher would occasionally pull out the Beastie Boys and let us sing and dance. We would much rather Fight for Our Right to Party than to sing this song we clearly did not understand. Years later in my early twenties, I watched Fiddler on the Roof for the first time. My Dad bought the DVD for Larry and me as an acknowledgment of our “Jewishness.” The movie made me cry and cry. The separation from father and daughter really pulled at my heart strings. Still, it ended up being one of my favorite musicals. Since then, my husband has taken me several times to see the stage play. We even had the blessing last year to catch Topol's farewell tour at the Chicago Theater. I was amazed to see this man at seventy-five singing and dancing. I sure didn’t seem to me like there had been too many sunsets since he had starred in the movie. He was on his farewell tour. This was the end of his life as Tevye. I’m sure that he was aware of the days that had gone by. I’m sure the thoughts running through his head when I saw him sing that song on the Chicago stage were worlds away from what he was thinking about when he first sang the song.
That is kinda like me. I no longer roll my eyes and sigh when I here the words of this song. I understand, I empathize, I realize that my days are quickly flying by. Before I know it I will be singing my last song.
I’ve been bothered for weeks to make my days count; to cherish the special times that I have with my amazing family. All of my children have the most beautiful big eyes, and they have big hearts to match. I cringe to think that in a blur it will be over.
One season following another, laden with happiness and tears...
The verse on my heart today:
So teach us to number our days that we may present to You a heart of wisdom
Psalm 90:12
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Hey There Lonley Girl
Oh, sigh. It never fails. No matter what time of day I choose to take my shower I am always met with the same thing. I spend 20 minutes scrubbing away the grime from the day before; the burning grease from the ground beef splattering in my face, the sticky film under my nails from washing dinner dishes and scrubbing the crust of oatmeal from the breakfast dishes; the nasty feeling on my arm after I have had my hand in a toilet. I can wash my hands, but I’m just not going to feel clean until I get a shower. Finally, I come out of the shower clean, refreshed, and ready to tackle less disgusting jobs like laundry or sweeping. Oh, but my two year old has other plans. He runs toward me proclaiming “poopy change!” It never fails! I am always greeted by a disgusting blow out after my shower. As a mommy the film of yuck is always present. I suppose that it is there to remind me that life, for now, is about them.
Yesterday was my Birthday. I had a good dose of “me” time. My children woke me up at 8:00am. They were dressed alike. They were standing by my bed holding a cookie sheet covered by cloth napkin. One of my blue Fiesta Ware dishes sat on top of the napkin. Next to the plate was a matching blue cloth napkin with a fork and spoon inside. On top of the plate sat a cinnamon roll we made together the night before. There was a cup of freshly brewed coffee and an orange peeled and fanned out on the plate. Now just so you know, my children are 11, 9, 7 and 2. They had no help with this. My husband left for work a couple hours before they presented me with this lovely breakfast.
It is true that I get spoiled from time to time. I’m still high from all of the thoughtful gestures and all of the hugs and kisses from my whole family. But, sadly, the feeling will pass, and I will soon feel unappreciated and lonely. How could I feel lonely? As a home schooling mother I’m at home with my children 24/7. It is hard to find uninterrupted alone time. When I use the restroom little faces peek around the door to ask me where their other sock went or if they can eat the extra chicken nugget. When I’m dressing my amused two year old gives me a good slap on my back side and yells, booty/bum, booty/bum; where that comes from, who knows?
I’m a pastor’s wife so I have many friends. Some from past churches, some from the church my husband is trying to get going. Many people have called me their best friend, including my current neighbor. My old neighbor called me the other day to tell me how much she misses us and how the new neighbor would never take our place. I have several Facebook friends that “like” a lot of what I do. My husband is caring, loving and attentive to my needs. Even forsaking his own. How could I be lonely?
I know the answer. I’m just too lazy and unconcerned to do anything about it. I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll read it later. I just don’t have the brains for it right now. What is “It?” It is The Bible. The beautiful, wise word of my loving Lord and Savior. I seem to never have time for him. My mind wanders when I read the words of wisdom written just for me. I keep myself busied by the blessings he has given me, but I don’t take time for him. As I wallow in my lonely thoughts, angered by silly situations or events that have been forgotten by everyone else, I neglect the best friend I will ever have. A friendship desired by all of mankind. This friend, if we choose, will stick closer than a brother. He will fill the void in our hearts that will never be filled by computer relationships, neighbors, mothers, or even husbands. We should never feel all alone. He calls us friend!
I thank Jesus for being everything I need and being there for me at my loneliest. Still, he knows as humans it is hard to be comforted by the unseen. So, he gives us his community of believers. Likeminded, unified brothers and sisters that will be his hands and feet here on Earth. We are commanded to assemble together to feel uplifted and whole. I am so very thankful to have such a community.
Verse on my heart:
Not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.
Hebrews 10:25
Yesterday was my Birthday. I had a good dose of “me” time. My children woke me up at 8:00am. They were dressed alike. They were standing by my bed holding a cookie sheet covered by cloth napkin. One of my blue Fiesta Ware dishes sat on top of the napkin. Next to the plate was a matching blue cloth napkin with a fork and spoon inside. On top of the plate sat a cinnamon roll we made together the night before. There was a cup of freshly brewed coffee and an orange peeled and fanned out on the plate. Now just so you know, my children are 11, 9, 7 and 2. They had no help with this. My husband left for work a couple hours before they presented me with this lovely breakfast.
It is true that I get spoiled from time to time. I’m still high from all of the thoughtful gestures and all of the hugs and kisses from my whole family. But, sadly, the feeling will pass, and I will soon feel unappreciated and lonely. How could I feel lonely? As a home schooling mother I’m at home with my children 24/7. It is hard to find uninterrupted alone time. When I use the restroom little faces peek around the door to ask me where their other sock went or if they can eat the extra chicken nugget. When I’m dressing my amused two year old gives me a good slap on my back side and yells, booty/bum, booty/bum; where that comes from, who knows?
I’m a pastor’s wife so I have many friends. Some from past churches, some from the church my husband is trying to get going. Many people have called me their best friend, including my current neighbor. My old neighbor called me the other day to tell me how much she misses us and how the new neighbor would never take our place. I have several Facebook friends that “like” a lot of what I do. My husband is caring, loving and attentive to my needs. Even forsaking his own. How could I be lonely?
I know the answer. I’m just too lazy and unconcerned to do anything about it. I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll read it later. I just don’t have the brains for it right now. What is “It?” It is The Bible. The beautiful, wise word of my loving Lord and Savior. I seem to never have time for him. My mind wanders when I read the words of wisdom written just for me. I keep myself busied by the blessings he has given me, but I don’t take time for him. As I wallow in my lonely thoughts, angered by silly situations or events that have been forgotten by everyone else, I neglect the best friend I will ever have. A friendship desired by all of mankind. This friend, if we choose, will stick closer than a brother. He will fill the void in our hearts that will never be filled by computer relationships, neighbors, mothers, or even husbands. We should never feel all alone. He calls us friend!
I thank Jesus for being everything I need and being there for me at my loneliest. Still, he knows as humans it is hard to be comforted by the unseen. So, he gives us his community of believers. Likeminded, unified brothers and sisters that will be his hands and feet here on Earth. We are commanded to assemble together to feel uplifted and whole. I am so very thankful to have such a community.
Verse on my heart:
Not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.
Hebrews 10:25
Monday, December 27, 2010
Pursuing the Dream
When I was a child of 8 years old I remembered a commercial on T.V. The commercial was promoting a local bank, and it interested me very much. I don’t remember what exactly was being depicted in the commercial. I just remember it followed people at different times in their life. There was the baby at 1 year, the kindergartner at five years, highschooler at sweet 16, the 25 year old wife, the grownup professional at 34, the grandparent at 50, the retiree at 64, and the couple in their golden years at 80.
I watched the commercial very intently imagining what my future would hold. The one person that stood out to me was the 34 year old. She was a tall professional woman. Her blond hair was pulled back into a tight up-due. She was beautiful, tall, smart, and organized. She really had her life in order. Of course I made all of these assumptions from a photo. I examined that woman every time the commercial played and thought to myself, “34 is the most beautiful time of life. I can’t wait to be 34.”
Fast forward 26 years; December 27, 2010..... I, Barbra Lavonne Flowers Rice, sit at an eight year old Compaq computer trying to steal away some quiet time on my 34th birthday. My brown uncombed hair is pulled back into a bun and covered with a bandana. I’m 5 ft tall and 20lbs over weight. My skin is blemished, and I haven’t even brushed my teeth. Oh, on top of that, I’m wearing leggings. Yuck! I am a mess!
My three oldest children are upstairs trying to entertain themselves. I have confined them there until I‘m “ready“ to let them back downstairs. My two year old is sitting in the front room watching Spongebob. He had to be separated from the others because he slammed a door on his older sisters hand. The kitchen counters are full of dirty dishes. Diane Rehm’s sweet, shaky voice is playing in the background. My bed is piled with unfolded clean laundry, and my laundry room is piled with dirty laundry. My three bathrooms have a dirty film of hair, soap residue, and toothpaste. My living room floor is covered with a village of Fisher Price Little People. There is a zoo under the piano, a farm under the coffee table, etc. My house is a mess.
I suppose what I want from this blog is to find that beautiful 34 year old woman of my dreams. I’m ready to clean up this mess.......but where to start? I guess that is what I need to work out in the next 364 days.
I'm scared. I need perfected.
Verse that has been on my heart:
But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18b
I watched the commercial very intently imagining what my future would hold. The one person that stood out to me was the 34 year old. She was a tall professional woman. Her blond hair was pulled back into a tight up-due. She was beautiful, tall, smart, and organized. She really had her life in order. Of course I made all of these assumptions from a photo. I examined that woman every time the commercial played and thought to myself, “34 is the most beautiful time of life. I can’t wait to be 34.”
Fast forward 26 years; December 27, 2010..... I, Barbra Lavonne Flowers Rice, sit at an eight year old Compaq computer trying to steal away some quiet time on my 34th birthday. My brown uncombed hair is pulled back into a bun and covered with a bandana. I’m 5 ft tall and 20lbs over weight. My skin is blemished, and I haven’t even brushed my teeth. Oh, on top of that, I’m wearing leggings. Yuck! I am a mess!
My three oldest children are upstairs trying to entertain themselves. I have confined them there until I‘m “ready“ to let them back downstairs. My two year old is sitting in the front room watching Spongebob. He had to be separated from the others because he slammed a door on his older sisters hand. The kitchen counters are full of dirty dishes. Diane Rehm’s sweet, shaky voice is playing in the background. My bed is piled with unfolded clean laundry, and my laundry room is piled with dirty laundry. My three bathrooms have a dirty film of hair, soap residue, and toothpaste. My living room floor is covered with a village of Fisher Price Little People. There is a zoo under the piano, a farm under the coffee table, etc. My house is a mess.
I suppose what I want from this blog is to find that beautiful 34 year old woman of my dreams. I’m ready to clean up this mess.......but where to start? I guess that is what I need to work out in the next 364 days.
I'm scared. I need perfected.
Verse that has been on my heart:
But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18b
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